with a swan
. That's not like, a brand name of Taser or bizarre European slang for a knife. It was an actual swan. He "grabbed a live swan by the neck and used the bird as a club to beat up another man." A few things you should stop and appreciate: 1. Swans are quite large, with impressive wingspans. 2. The swan was alive, likely struggling and comically flapping the entire time. 3. Swans are actually total dicks, so it's OK to laugh (plus it was alive and unhurt afterward, if its dickery alone doesn't ease your guilt). If you've been on the Internet for long enough, you've probably seen this image:
There is clearly an extra credit follow-up question now: "Have you ever been so drunk that you assaulted a man with waterfowl?"
Might Be On Drugs, Say Authorities
Bayron Reyes Lopez
was listening to his radio too loud at 4:30 in the morning, when police knocked on his door responding to noise complaints. There was no answer. When they found the door unlocked, the officers opened it on an empty apartment, because Lopez had just hurled himself out the third story window. He took a 30-foot flying leap of faith, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
style, because somebody knocked on his door--and he did it
. Knock knock. Who's the- Fuck that! Window.
An hour and a half later, police receive a call about a crazed man who "appeared, screaming, in front of Julie Donnelly, a 34-year-old woman out walking her dog." Note that: "Appeared, screaming." As in, he was already screaming
when she just happened to show up. Just... just screaming at the sunrise. The man then "charged her, grabbed her dog by the neck, choked it and slammed it into the pavement before running off." Again, that is an