"That's what I love about these preschool girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."Now where the four-year-old mind parts ways from most adults is in the execution of the ensuing bender: Many of us would happily sit in our gitch and watch SpongeBob for the rest of the day, punch out the mailman, hug the dog and cry. That'd be cool. But Hayden decided to roadtrip it Hunter S. Thompson style. Sometime around 1 AM, he left home behind and took his beer out into the world. He wandered down the street in the middle of the night and rang a neighbor's doorbell who, upon seeing a four-year-old drinking beer in the wee hours of the morning did what any of us would do. He sent him on his way. Hey, last thing you need is a drunken toddler fuckin' up your place in the middle of the night. I mean, can you imagine? Going on about how that slut Dora won't explore anything new anymore and then puking on the coffee table. Who needs that hassle? So Hayden went to the next house and, finding they'd left their door unlocked, taught them why you shouldn't leave your door unlocked. He ransacked their Christmas presents, including stealing a brown dress which he was wearing when police finally found him.
Pictured: Hayden Wright, Sr.Cops took the little wino to the hospital where he had his stomach pumped and presumably he swore he'd never drink again (but you know he was hitting the bottle again the next day). Mom eventually showed up with a pantload of excuses about how his dad is in prison and he just wanted to go see him, none of which even broach how confounding it must have been for cops to roll up at nearly 2 AM and see a four-year-old boy in a dress with a beer. This is easily the greatest Christmas story I've ever heard and should be retold throughout the ages. It may even deserve its own claymation Christmas special. It really has everything: a felonious absentee father, cross dressing, irresponsible parents, irresponsible neighbors, several misdemeanors, a tall boy, a B&E and stomach pumping. If that's not the spirit of the season then Jesus has been hiding all those eggs in vain.