Seemingly only available in Britain, which we'll remind you got the shit kicked out of them in World War II until the good old USA came around on eagle-back to help them, Mansize Kleenex are apparently "big enough for the whole family." What does that mean? After I blow my nose, do I ask my kids if they want to take a turn? Are they the size of a blanket? Can we keep the homeless warm in a cold London winter simply by distributing them Mansize Kleenex? That vague size description could have any number of implications, because even "normal" tissues are already the size of a dude's face.
Isaac CabeNote: This is actually a normal look for Isaac. His face is listed by the layout staff under "too handsome for public display."
If that's the size of a normal tissue, then what do you need a "man-size" tissue for? Bukkake? Dimensions of an individual Mansize Kleenex have been hard to find online. We can only assume they're the size of a pillow, and when descriptions of the Mansize Kleenex say things like "soft and strong," we take that to mean that they're also totally appropriate for smothering your enemies in their sleep. But hey, maybe Britain is onto something other countries aren't. Between Brexit, =Mansize Kleenex, and a general worldwide fear of World War III, maybe the Brits are simply trying out a new kind of tourniquet. We'll just have to wait and see.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"I can't help but notice that you've been slowly pouring your beers on the potted plant. How many have you given it now?"
"Seven, Pa. It's just that ... I sometimes have these feelings. Feelings like I ... uh ..."
"Come on, spit it out, Bubba."
"... occasionally prefer wine over Bud Light."
"Oh SHIT, son. That's bad. Next thing you know, you'll want to watch the damn news over Smackdown. You'll develop individual tastes and desires instead of the ones dictated to you at birth by a bunch of uptight dipshits who don't know how to handle change. Quick -- we better hide your inclinations from the rest of the community, lest we all get scoffed at because we're slightly different. Here, let's put your wine in these manly cans. Then you can sip your devil piss while we're catfishing out on the marsh with Cyrus, Billy, and MechaGodzilla, and not a man among them will ever figure you for the freak you are."
MashableIf that sounds like an exaggeration, it's good to remember that "Shut up and drink" used to be the product's actual slogan.
Yes, there's another "man can" on this list, and yes, the apparent logic behind it is somehow even weirder than the bath version. If you have a better explanation re: people actually putting wine in a "manly" can with a "manly" dog logo and calling it fucking MANCAN wine than what we've imagined above, let us know in the comments. We'll promise to read it as soon as we're done brain-bleaching this utterly arbitrary product that somehow sees fit to mask a type of alcohol by disguising it as another type of alcohol from our gray cells. Oh, and just to spite the Man-goddamned-Can, we're doing it with copious amounts of old-fashioned bottled wine. In a glass.
Isaac has a very manly beard and an equally manly dog. Check them out on Instagram and Twitter. Pauli's beard is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here it is on Facebook and Twitter.
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