4

Pretend to Get Phone Calls

I do this one a lot. It works in many situations, but I'll give you the one that makes me look like the biggest douchebag:

I like to think of myself as a fairly open-minded guy. I have no beef with any race generally. I'm not put off by anyone's religion or lack of faith. Sexual orientation doesn't matter to me. But if I had to fess up to one bias, one prejudice, I must admit that there is one specific scenario where I've avoided Asian people: the hair salon.

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"Zombie Hitler likes the racist sentiment, but hates the Jew making it. Zombie Hitler confused ... BRAINS!!!!!!!!"

3

Leave Quickly Before the Bad Server Sees the Bad Tip

As I mentioned before, I'm a damn fine tipper. Etiquette says you leave 15 to 20 percent after removing tax and liquor costs. Well, I almost always tip 20 percent with the tax and booze still included. Yep, I'm awesome. And I've only stiffed servers for jaw-droppingly rude behavior maybe twice in my entire life. After that, there have been a minority of occasions where poor service has demanded that I pull back from my typically generous tipping practices. I don't mean stiffing, but leaving tips in more of the 10-to-15-percent range.

2

"Favorite" Tweets on Twitter

I don't know about you, but in the last year, I've really gotten into Twitter. Oh, I'm sorry, I should have warned you. Are you all like totally sexually aroused right now? Yeah, sorry. But it's true. I like it because it's not the time suck of Facebook, and if you use it the way I do, you don't have tons of stuff you don't care about clogging up your feed. Babies, graduation, new car? Who cares? I pretty much only follow comedy writers and normal people who amuse me for free, so multiple times a day, I can scroll through my phone and see what's going on in the world via Twitter jokes without having to deal with the news media's crap.

Well, as any of you who tweet know, pretty soon you develop little Twitter buddies and you tweet back and forth to each other, perhaps riffing on some topic. And when you really like something someone's tweeted, you retweet it so all your followers can see how funny your little Twitter buddy is.

And then something terrible happens. They tweet something back to you that's just awful and unfunny. Sure, you could just not respond. Pretend it never happened. After all, what's one tweet not responded to? Yeah, I can't. It makes me feel super oogly.

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"Oogly" not technically a word yet, but fingers crossed!

1

Lose All Peripheral Vision for Inconsiderate Drivers

When I'm driving and I see a car desperately trying to change lanes or enter a road, I always ask myself what would Jesus do. Then I crash, because it's virtually impossible to steer a car while pretending to be crucified. The point is, I try to be a considerate driver. I don't accelerate to prevent people from entering lanes. I let cars go ahead of me if I'm approaching a red light anyway. I don't ride up the shoulder, pass 20 cars in traffic and then try to wedge myself in. I'm the same sweet swell guy on the road that I am on Cracked.com, where everyone loves me and no one thinks I'm an asshole ... right, guys?

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Are you sneering at me with ... love?

Anyway, not everyone on the road is as awesome as I am. Indeed, lots of people try to force their cars into places they don't deserve to be through intimidation. Like the dude who deliberately gets in the lane everyone's merging out of before zipping up to the very end of the merge and then weaseling his way back into line. Or the dude who plays that same game at toll booths. Or the driver who aggressively forces himself anywhere, daring you to crash into him in order to get what he wants.

My Ridiculous Solution:

Now listen up, because this trick is very complicated. It's called "don't look at the guy." When confronted with douchetastic drivers, I get insanely confrontational. Probably because few things bother me more than someone's selfish belief to entitlement.

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Yes, getting my leg caught in a bear trap is one of those few things.

So, yeah, I don't give an inch. I will aggressively ride the back bumper of the car in front of me, slamming the door on some douche trying to get something they don't deserve by intimidation. But of course, I can't actually look at them. My neck is locked. My vision is fixed. The blinders are on. Risk damage to my car in the interest of preserving vehicular justice? You bet. Eye contact? Never!

But Gladstone looks right at the camera in the latest HATE BY NUMBERS. Also, be sure to follow him on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.

For more from Gladstone, check out The 7 Worst Behaviors on Public Transportation and 5 Reasons Life is Better After Age 30.