But as stirring and exciting as that speech just was, I don't want to make it to each and every cashier. Nevertheless -- although I apparently have no trouble admitting it to hundreds of thousands of people online -- I don't want to be that guy who stands there like he's waiting for three cents.
My Ridiculous Solution:
So here's what I do. Right after the sale's rung up and I see I'm going to be owed a small amount of money, I begin to busy myself. I rearrange my wallet, futz with stuff in my shopping bags, check my phone, anything. It doesn't matter. I just have to make it appear that I'm not waiting for change. That way when the cashier hands over three pennies, I can look surprised and say, "Oh, OK," as if I'm only standing there to attend to whatever I'm pretending to deal with. Then I pocket those three miserable pennies I never would have waited for and leave.
Oh, by the way, I think it would be super funny if someone made a comment below about me being a cheap Jew, because that's just pretty damn funny. Original, too. If Zombie Hitler read Cracked, I'm sure he'd tote lulz. Ah, who am I kidding? Zombie Hitler only reads Seanbaby's column.
"Oh, Dick Whiskey. You're the best! I mean, BRAINS!!!!!!!!!!!!"