If you're hearing voices every time you turn your television to a dead channel or if you're hearing screams coming from your tape deck between songs, there's only one good way to get rid of them: Listen carefully and do exactly what they say.
You'll find that their requests are usually pretty reasonable. Most of it is stuff you've been sort of thinking about doing anyway, like pushing cursed cars into the lake by the highway or breaking into the house of that guy who was rude to you at the library once.
If you do what they say, usually they'll leave you alone. Probably because they get to go to heaven after you help them with their unfinished business in this world. It's just weird how many of them forgot to burn something down while they were alive.
No one knows for sure, but boy did that guy ruin things for the rest of us. Ice is the worst. It's always getting under car tires and sinking ships and hitting you in the face at the end of your drink. Ice never did anything good for anyone. If I had to guess, I'd bet it was probably some Canadian who invented it because he couldn't think of anything better to invent, like an MP3 player or a cellphone or something. Canadians pretend they love ice just to make the rest of us feel stupid when we don't know how to ice skate. But now we've got more ice than we know what to do with and it just gets in everyone's way.
You know, in some countries, like El Salvador, they don't even have ice, ever. Not even in January, and they're doing just fine. If I knew who invented ice, I'd hit him right in the jaw. Then I'd tell him to put some ice on it. What a jerk.
Mad just thinking about it,
Can You Make a Lot of Money Reading Emails?
You bet you can. The catch is that you have to find the right ones to read. Just reading your own emails probably doesn't pay much, but if you can figure out how to access your boss' email or the email of someone famous, then you can make piles of money. The trick is to know what you're looking for. You may have to read through hundreds of emails, but you'll know you're done when you find any combination of these words:
From there, the money part just locks into place. You don't even have to keep doing the job after that, and you'll still get paid. Remember that sometimes important people will try to trash those emails, but if that addiction hunch pans out, they probably aren't thinking clearly enough to empty their deleted items folder. See, for all the bad things that technology puts you through, it turns out there are at least some paying jobs out there if you understand it pretty good.
-Fortune 500 Frank
What Inventions Haven't Been Made?
Great question. I like where your head is at. It's pretty unlikely that technology will ever stop, so it's smart to get on the train early and invent some stuff that will pay out in the long run. Fortunately, there are still a lot of things we humans have always needed but that no one has had the time to make yet. Here are a few I think about almost every day:
- Special glasses that let you see which animals have souls and which ones don't. If that doesn't pan out, then one that just works for birds.
- Glow in the dark magazines.
- A secret translator for bird calls so you can tell if they're just pretending to sing and really laughing at you.
- A fork that's a fork on one end and a toothbrush on the other.
- A remote control bird that can fly and tricks real birds into flying through wind turbines.
- A goose scooper.
Really, if you invent just one of these things, you can probably make millions and be remembered forever. But if you were thinking about trying to make a hummingbird feeder that attracts lightning, you can forget it, because that idea is taken.
Friend forever (except to those goddamn birds),
For more from Soren, check out Answering The 6 Craziest Pet Questions Ever Googled and The Spambot Who Seduced Me: A True Story of Forbidden Love.