The 5 Stupidest Lies Advertisers Expect You to Believe
DVR and Netflix aside, is there anyone alive who doesn't use commercials as a pee timer between segments of the show they're watching? I ask because I barely notice advertisements anymore. Over the years, they've just become white noise in the background that my brain has methodically learned to filter out. But every once in a while, something so buttfuck dumb will pop up, I get jarred out of a drooling stupor and thrown into a rage -- like this commercial about the biggest douchebag who ever lived.
I can't watch that without my hand involuntarily balling up into a fist. Maybe that's their intention, though. If I'm alert enough to fantasize about physically attacking that man, it means I'm paying attention, and few other advertisements bring me past the mental equivalent of shooing a fly from my potato salad. Maybe that's what ads have turned into now: forcing the attention of its viewers by pissing them off with techniques like ...
Claiming that Food is Fun
When I say the word "fun," what do you think of? Hanging out with friends? Throwing light bulbs off of the top of a roller coaster? Fighting children? Yes, fun is subjective because it's directly connected to entertainment, but I'm willing to bet that almost nobody said, "Eating a candy bar." And if you did, there's a pretty good chance that you're a boring piece of shit who seriously needs to get out of the goddamn house for a bit and meet some humans. Counselor humans.
5 : Potato chips.
Now, you may happen to be eating while doing any of those activities, and that's perfectly fine. Even just going out to a restaurant with your friends can be fun ... but it's not the act of eating that's supplying the entertainment. It's the dick jokes and putting soy sauce in Chad's Coke while he's in the shitter. Not once have I ever seen someone staring bored into space until their food arrived, and then immediately looked down at their plate and proclaimed, "Oh, man, this night really sucked until I saw the color of my pasta!"
But that's what "Wacky Mac" wants you to believe. In fact, they think you're so hopelessly fucking stupid that after eating their colored rotini, your brain's only function will be expressing amazement and bewilderment that chewing and swallowing a piece of food could be as entertaining as it just was.
In case calling food "fun" wasn't stupid enough, the candy industry takes it even further by reducing the portions and calling it "fun sized." Because as Snickers insinuates with that IQ castrating title, the less you have of something, the more entertaining it becomes.
"There's a dick in one of those. Your move, Billy."
See, that first one is pretty awesome. It's huge, and you can beat down muggers or something with it. It's more like a tool than a utensil of joy. That middle one is just a plain ol' Snickers bar. It's so plain, I'm surprised they even bothered naming it. But it's not until you get to the one that's half the size of your thumb that you can even think about letting loose and partying Andrew WK style.
Now that I think about it, if you're a dwarf and you're reading this article, you should start demanding that people refer to you as "fun size" from now on. I would totally do that.
Making Non-Tech Products Sound Like Hi-Tech Miracles
If there's one thing nerds know inside and out, it's that the newer the technology, the better the product. Like everything in life, yes, there are going to be exceptions, but I can run a whole lot more simultaneous porn windows on my brand new Alienware system than I could on my 7 year old Dell.
Advertisers know this, too, so they try to apply it to their not-even-remotely-fucking-technical products, and it makes me want to punch them in half every time I hear it. Like in this commercial for Energizer, where they refer to their sealing method as "power seal technology":
Wait, it's power seal technology? Man, they must have sealed the fucking shit out of that thing! The one thing I won't ever have to worry about with that battery is it suddenly becoming unsealed. But if it happens -- like maybe I got one whose technology is all floppy or something -- and it suddenly flies open and shoots battery juice all over my clothes, I'm covered. Because I wash my clothes in Tide, which has "Acti-Lift Technology."
I'm going to assume that's some kind of combination of the word "active" along with the idea that it lifts stains? I could look it up, but I don't fucking care. They've already insulted me enough with that bitch slap of a term -- they don't get to pile on more shame by making me waste time putting their name into Google ... like I did when I looked up "The Art of Shaving" and found that their razor has "smart technology."
Oh no, there's only two left!
Wait, why the hell would anyone pay $160 for a shaving razor? Oh, never mind, I see. It's because of the "smart technology." It's not just technology, it's ... OK, I give up, what the fuck is "smart technology"?
"The Power Shave Collection POWER RAZOR with Smart Technology helps you ensure your blade is always sharp. The built-in indicator light begins to fade from vibrant blue to white with every razor use to take the guesswork out of when to consider changing your blade."
Oh, I see. It's for people who have lost all feeling in their face, so they can't tell when the razor is pulling hairs out by the roots instead of cutting them. Yeah, I'll just go with that completely made up explanation.
Making Up Bullshit Words to Sound Less Corporate
Several years ago, Taco Bell put out a commercial that was so bad, it permanently lowered my threshold for sustained rage without action. I don't remember what year it was because seconds after hearing them use the word "melty," I started punching the air and screaming until I blacked out. The next time I opened my eyes, I had three children and a job with Cracked.
Not to be one-upped, Wendy's looked at that commercial and said, "You know, we really want in on some of that 'annoying potential customers' action, but we need to take it up a notch by mixing in a complete lack of creativity or originality." Then they stole that made-up ear fuck of a word and pretended it's always been a thing:
This isn't just a couple of soulless, talentless dumbasses who cousin-fucked their way into their job. Making up words in commercials is actually a thing that's encouraged in the industry. I assume it's because the people who make these ads have never met an actual human, and therefore have no idea how many ordinary people their commercials have turned into arsonists. Like the escaped demon who used the word "crunchtastic" to describe celery:
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
They do it because getting people to latch on to these new words and phrases actually gives them more publicity. People look up the otherwise nonexistent word on Google, and bam -- there's info on the business. You see it all the time because we've proven in the past that we do in fact love to adopt these goddamn language abortions and repeat them until everyone in the world wants to drown us.
Using Puns as if They're Truly Clever
Puns are the lowest form of humor -- no debate, no discussion. They're easy and cheap, which is why they're one of the first types of comedy you learn as a child. And for that reason, it's why they're used in pretty much every single cereal ad ever created. Because kids are stupid.
The only time puns are ever funny is if they're so purposefully bad that the use of one is actually making fun of the very idea of puns. Or if you happen to be so incredibly dumb that you're genuinely impressed and think of them as clever plays on words. In which case, just stop reading this article now and enjoy the pretty pictures and videos. Like this one of George Takei, doing an ad for the Milwaukee public transportation system, in which he ends the PSA with, "It's out of this world!"
Get it? Because if he's in space, he's not physically in this world in which you and I currently reside! And it is also a phrase meaning "spectacular," that hasn't been spoken by a normal person outside of a commercial since the 1950s. But advertisers still can't stop themselves from using it because to them, it's still clever and still something that people can relate to.
Halloween is probably the worst time of year for it, though. Every local commercial is some dumbass auto dealership owner stuttering out monotone puns like "ghouls and boys." Or a furniture store with idiots in generic costumes, dancing around while the narrator tells you about their "spooktacular" savings:
If it only lasted through October, I could handle it, but it just keeps going and going. It's not only accepted in the world of marketing, but it's encouraged. Do they really not know? Do they not feel the heat generated by the hatred venting from the head holes of its collective audience when we see that horrible fucking "taste bros" commercial?
Using the Word "Premium" to Describe Pretty Much Anything
The next time you're at the grocery store, keep your eyes open for the word "premium." It won't be hard to find -- it'll be on pretty much everything in the entire store, from condoms to pork chops to fucking dog food. My favorite is when they slap that word on sausage packages.
Oh, these must be the really high-end sausages, made from expensive loin roasts.
The thing is, sausage by its very definition is the shittiest scraps of meat left over after the butcher has cut all the good stuff off of the animal. In the U.S., they're typically 30 percent to 50 percent fat. Now, don't get me wrong; I love sausage and cook with it quite often. But I don't bullshit myself into thinking that what I have in the pan is anything more than shredded pig strips that were so nasty that no sane person would buy them unless they were ground up past the point of recognition and reshaped into curved dicks.
But even worse is when they do it to hotdogs. Come on. It's become a full-on cliche to say, "If you knew how hotdogs were made, you'd never eat them again." So how can you possibly take a food with that sort of reputation and claim that it's "made from premium cuts of pork, beef and chicken"? The goddamn things are made from three different animals that are ground into a paste, and ... well, here, just watch this:
Now, that's some premium shit right there, baby. It's literally one step up from pet food. But don't think it's just food that does it. Take a look at the retail versions of Windows 7:
Notice the title of the one on the far left? The cheapest, most bare bones version they're offering? That's right, that's the "premium" version. The very basic, bottom of the barrel version of Windows 7 is called "premium" because the advertising industry has used it so much, they've stripped all meaning from the word until it's become an entry point for all products. It's gotten so bad that when I see it printed on a package, I just automatically put that product on the same quality standards as a bucket of ground up pig dicks.
For more Cheese, check out 5 Terrifying Online Trends (Invented By the News Media) and 5 Ways Television Went Crazy Since I Quit Watching in 2003.