4

Lindsay Lohan

Normally I'd try to never actually make fun of Lindsay Lohan because it's a lot like challenging Stephen Hawking to a foot race. But given the specific nature of the subject at hand, this seemed like a fine chance to give LiLo her time to shine as a centerpiece in an article. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan's dad has a history of being an awful human being and trying to exploit, sponge off of, and desperately cling to the coattails of his daughter. So when he rang in the new year by allegedly telling the media that his financially derptarded and pretty much spiritually busted ass daughter was working as a hooker, it didn't make international headlines or change anyone's life at all. But it did give me an opening to include a celebrity in this article, because without Lohan, all I have is that U.S. Olympic runner to fall back on, and to be honest, I think most Olympic athletes resort to prostitution eventually.

Despite the Lohans' precarious relationship with relevance, it's worth noting that there is at least some circumstantial evidence to support this particular claim. For instance, Lindsay spent New Year's in London as a guest of the insane-haircut-having Prince of Brunei, who paid $100,000 to get her there. And probably just as friends, because what guy wouldn't pay $100,000 to just hang out with a strange woman? No, really, who wouldn't pay $100,000 to just enjoy her company? To just hang out with ol' LiLo and maybe play Fruit Ninja, knock out a couple of yogurt drinks, and hit up the Taco del Mar? And never, ever get Lindsay to quote lines from Herbie: Fully Loaded while rubbing grape jelly on her own ass, because that would be unseemly and certainly nothing she would do.

3

Molly Luft

Noted for being Germany's self-proclaimed fattest prostitute (no idea where she ranked on a world scale), Molly Luft weighed about 385 pounds in her prime, if the definition of "prime" can be abused in that way. More notable than that scrot-shriveling chestnut is Molly's penchant for slathering on makeup in a prostate-enlarging John Wayne Gacy visage of nightmares and whatever the exact opposite of a boner is. Put the whole package together and you get this:

Reuters

2

The World's Oldest Prostitutes

I feel like if I expound in any way on the title of this entry, it's just going to make all of us feel bad in the soul. Is there any way the story of a prostitute who's encroaching on the century mark can not be terrible? Just horribly, horribly terrible? No. But I can make it worse by making this entry about three of them, all over 70 years old. Just to clarify, sex should never occur after 70 years old. That's not my opinion, that's like some kind of natural law. I'm sure I'll die in a blimp accident well before I'm 40, but if I did live to my 70s, I would expect to be entirely sex-free. For the terrors of sex past 70, I invite you to look at Hugh Hefner. Eew.

Let's start with the young 'un, 71-year-old Sygun Liebhart, who is not an Icelandic post-rock band but a kindly old tart from Connecticut who was peddling her backside on Backpage.com, which proves that some old people can and do understand the Internet.

Across the pond in England, it made headlines in 2011 when the grandmother of one of the judges on The X-Factor was revealed to be a prostitute at 81 years old. She apparently even charged 250 pounds, which is about $375 U.S. Part of me hopes that most of that money was for the cost of delicious cookies she baked, but I know it wasn't. Not really. It was just for her old, tired cookie that no one should want to eat.

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1

Pony the Orangutan

Say, do you have faith in humanity? Why don't you go ahead and put that in a tissue and wrap it up, give it a swirl in some Vaseline, and hand it to a hobo so he can jam it right up his ass, because you don't need it anymore. This story is whatever the polar opposite of funny is, with a detour through utter depravity and what the fuckery, but if you're going to cover the most heinous prostitutes on Earth, you really can't skip it. This is the story about an orangutan named Pony that was used as a sex slave in a village in Borneo. So that's pretty awful.

The orangutan was held captive at a brothel. She was chained to a wall and shaved every other day, so her skin was generally covered in pimples and mosquito bites. At this point you should be frowning mercilessly at the screen and cursing me for even telling you about this, but before you bust out your extra-special swears, let's just wrap up the horror with the final, awful details. Not only would Pony assume the position automatically when a man entered the room, but it took a rescue group over a year to free her, because the brothel owner and the locals wanted to keep her there so badly that they fought against her release. Police armed with automatic weapons had to be brought in to free her.

Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

This should be your face about now.

If you find yourself questioning your value in life, or feeling guilt over having let yourself down in achieving your goals, helping your loved ones, or performing well at whatever task you set your mind to, remember that, for all your failings, you never shaved and imprisoned an orangutan for the purposes of prostitution. Whatever else happens, if you're down and depressed and questioning your self-worth, you have never pimped an ape. Nor have you fought to keep that ape available for intermittent sexings. You are never as bad as you may feel you are, because you never sank this low.

Because I hate to leave you on a downer, it's worth noting that after she was rescued, Pony grew back a fine coat of ginger bed-head-looking fur and was released into a forest, where she started a whirlwind romance with Christina Ricci and killed several dudes.