Luis Prada
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I am the master of procrastination. I'm always riddled with guilt over it, but guilt goes down much easier when I'm playing a browser game to distract from the crushing weight of disorganized priorities. With no publisher to appease, browser game creators go wild and make the tiny, creative games they want to make. Sometimes this leads to the most ridiculous games you'll ever come across.
Over the years I've collected some links for the cream of the weird-browser-game crop, and whenever my brain can't focus, I bust out my bookmarks folder and play them weirdos. Here are five of those games.
Have you ever been so bored that you wanted to fire a finger into a butthole that's dropping creamy turds on you? Well, you can, in a game called ... Game? I don't know. The title is in Korean, except for the word "game." I'm sure the full title is something like Bum Plugger: Revenge of the Shit Spewer Game!
The gameplay is intuitive and self-explanatory, other than the parts in Korean: There's a plump ass squeezing out creamy mounds of poop, and you have to dodge the poop by moving the mouse from side to side while also trying to shoot what I assume is the ghostly spirit of your finger into the butthole between the poop drops. It's like Space Invaders, if the aliens had dysentery.
If you hold down and release the left mouse button, the little track-suit-clad, anal-fingering, profusely sweating anti-shit warrior you control seems to draw power from the Earth, charging up an even more powerful attack, wherein he launches into the air as time slows so we can soak in the glory of the devastating anal fisting he delivers.
If you fail by being shat upon too many times, you didn't really lose -- at least not when you're greeted by this "Try Again" screen:
Turns out our track-suit-wearing anti-poop warrior really likes poop. He's having a ball!
Win the game and the track-suit-wearing anti-poop warrior pumps his arm in victory as the head of the pooper is revealed, but only from behind to conceal his identity. But c'mon: We all know he's Kid from House Party.
The best way to describe Life in the West is with the words of the game's creator, Davey Wreden, who also recently released the higher profile and even more absurd PC game The Stanley Parable. He said it's "the psychological collapse of Kanye West seen through his Twitter account." Yep. That's about right.
You take control of Kanye West's Twitter profile and send out Kanye-esque tweets about the extravagantly mundane lunacy that is his life. With every fake tweet, you collect Kanye Points (a currency I'm sure the real Kanye West actually thinks he has), which can be put toward fake following the fake Twitter profiles of Barack Obama, a spambot, and the Pokemon Bulbasaur, among others.
He found Waldo, and has probably banged Carmen Sandiego.
When the word "Inspiration" pops up, an iPhone appears, along with really happy electronic music. Mash your keyboard and a predetermined tweet will write itself out as you type. You'll fake tweet such gems as "Man ... whatever happened to my antique fish tank" and "I hate when im on a flight & I wake up with a water bottle next 2 me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle."
It's worth repeating: That was a real Kanye tweet.
If Kanye does indeed lose his mind and expresses his newly acquired max-level madness via Twitter, I'm pretty sure his final tweet before his brain plunges into the abyss of infinite lunacy will look an awful lot like the ending of Life in the West. The whole game can be played in about 10 minutes, but I would suggest replaying it just to read the stream of fake (or maybe they too are real) confused replies from random Twitter users in response to your crazy-as-shit Kanye tweets.
If that isn't enough Kanye West for you, you can also play Kanye Zone. Here's the premise: In one of his songs, Kanye says the line "Don't let me in my zone," and that's exactly what you do in the game -- prevent Kanye from entering a literal zone as he tells you to not let him into his zone.
Here's a challenge, game creators: make a FarmVille-style farming simulator where I can plant the seeds of Kanye's ego and groom it until it blossoms into a God complex.
It's another game about butt stuff! But this time, poop has been replaced with farts, because these are the kinds of things we can make if we believe in ourselves. Our potential as a species is limitless, so someone made a game where you play as a guy at a bus stop who uses the sound of passing cars to conceal his farts. It's called The Fart Game. Anything less would be uncivilized.
You make this guy fart -- essentially controlling his butthole, when you think about it -- with two buttons: the spacebar for a loud fart, and the left arrow key for a silent fart. When you hear the sound of a passing car, hit the spacebar and let the loud fart slap out of there. During silent moments when the road is empty, hit the left arrow to release a whisper of a fart so as to not draw too much attention. Sounds easy enough. But here's what you're up against. First up, this judgmental asshole:
That's the guy standing next to you as you attempt to clandestinely rip holes in your underwear with your sphincter wind*. Hold down the loud spacebar fart for just a millisecond beyond the sound of a passing car and that guy will look at you and judge.
And then there's the fart pressure gauge:
The longer you go without releasing the fart, the more the pressure builds. There's no end game other than keeping the chain of secret farts going as long as you can without getting caught or letting the gauge fill. If you let the gauge fill ... well, I don't want to spoil it. I'll just show you the judgmental guy's reaction to what happens:
Alright, I promise: no more butt-related games for the rest of the article.
*Sphincter Wind would be a good name for a horse.
Here are the actual step-by-step directions for how to play i made this. you play this. we are enemies:
1. Arrow keys to move
2. Space bar to jump
3. Explore, explore
4. Stop trying to "get it"
It's best that you strictly abide by #4 when playing. If you don't, you'll end up in a free fall down a rabbit hole of turbo-artsy douchespeak. Turbo-artsy douchespeak like this bit that's so up its own ass, it can see itself chewing food from the inside:
And using messy hand drawn elements, strange texts, sounds and multimedia layering, the artwork lets users play in the worlds hovering over and beneath what we browse, to exist outside/over their controlling constraints. Your arrow keys and space bar will guide you, with the occasional mouse click begging for attention. Each day the internet is humming with a million small interventions.
There it is, video game nerds! That's what it looks like when the world takes video games seriously. All the fun and interest is sucked out of them and replaced with pretension. I hope you're happy.
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I'm pretty sure the game is more of a cry for help than it is a game, as if the person who made it had no voice or hands, but could slam his head against a keyboard well enough to make a video game version of a mass murder's manifesto. It's a crazy mash of random scribbles and sounds, all against a backdrop of popular websites, if they were printed on Denny's place mats and then drawn on with those shitty crayons they give you. And then there's a 2D platformer in there somewhere. If Jeffrey Dahmer downed a case of Red Bull and a sheet of acid, then surfed the Internet for a few hours, this game is what he'd see behind his eyelids when he blinked. In that brief, horrific moment between Mario's death and resurrection in a Super Mario game, he passes through the hellish nightmare limbo that is i made this. you play this. we are enemies.
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It's such an over-the-top attempt at turning games into high art that it can almost pass as a spot-on parody of games that attempt to be high art, if only such games existed.
I lied! There's more butt stuff!
Don't Shit Your Pants is a text-based adventure game. You are a man who kind of looks like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and you're in desperate need of a shit. But there's a problem, which is the same problem every character from a text-based adventure game encounters: You're an idiot and you need to be told how to perform even the simplest of tasks. You character stands outside of his bathroom door with no idea how to deal with this brewing shitstorm inside him. He is dumbfounded by this shit he has to take, truly perplexed.
"Me no know poop! Help poop! HELP!"
You have to type in the proper perfectly worded commands to get him on the toilet and pooping before he soils himself like the pathetic, balding, beer-bellied loser he clearly is. This guy's life is probably awful. Don't make it worse by allowing him to shit himself.
Don't Shit Your Pants is about as short as you'd imagine a game about talking a guy through evacuating his bowels would be. There is some replay value in trying to collect all the achievements, which mostly involve failing to shit in the toilet in one way or another -- but the fun of text adventure games is in experimenting with different commands and seeing what happens. On one playthrough, I typed "Don't shit." Then this happened:
Filled with shame, as he should be. Well, at least he didn't shit on th- NO! NOT ON THE FLOO-
At least he's happy.
Luis is not at all busy right now, but he should be. You can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.
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