My Hadean master, we must trap them in this emotional bedrock until they're old enough to enlist in your Legion of Nine Devils. That's why I'm recommending that you start preaching abstinence until marriage. Not only will it protect them from coming of age in a real relationship until well into their 20s, but it will fool the religious right into condoning our glorious deviltry a little longer.
Happy Birthday Jeremy Bieber
What It's Really Saying:
Jeremy Bieber is Justin's father, and if you know any more about him than that, thank you for keeping your ecstatic moans low enough so no one else can hear.
"So great and eerie is my love," say these birthday greetings, "that the people you care about, I too shall treasure in my thumping heart."
Maybe It's Just Zealous Fans:
This is where the committed fandom -- or as it's known in professional circles, "gamma-level awkwardness" -- creates a false proximity. It's an effort to insinuate oneself into every corner of the Bieber existence. On the surface, it seems thoughtful. Ho-ho! But there are conditions, my goat-eyed lord; you'd better love them back, or they're going to turn bitter when you "betray" this affection you never asked for.
Can This Hashtag Propel Bieber to Godhood?
Veneration of the progenitor is a fixture of almost every messianic faith. Apollo and Hercules have Zeus. Jesus has Mary. Adrianne Curry has Odin Curry, who created her when he made love to the first sunrise of summer.
The cult is now in place to catapult the Canadian One to Beastdom. Not a moment too soon! When you're wishing happy birthday to someone you haven't met because they're close to someone else you haven't met, you're either a clown who gets paid in smiles or Adrianne Curry answering prayers.
Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Ent./Getty
My dad thanks you for the cake, Ms. Curry, but you and I both know that I must love you from afar. Just ... just promise you'll sniff this scented handkerchief whenever the west wind murmurs my name to you.