The Sexy Bait: Betsy Russell Striptease

And wouldn't you know it, Ms. Russell gets kinda naked and sexy in an attempt to seduce Matthew Modine. So what's the problem?

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sweaty Matthew Modine in Drag

The problem (masturbatorily speaking) is that this is a scene where Modine pretends to be a woman to get into the girl's dorm, so each shot of Russell and her vanishing underwear is chopped up with a shot of a clammy Modine in drag. (BTW, Clammy Modine would make an awesome college band name. Get on that, kids!)

Some of you might be thinking, "Just ignore Modine!" While that may have been easy for Hollywood to do from 1987 onward, it's a lot harder for a kid. Something to remember about 13-year-old boys: they're stupid. Like really incredibly stupid. And somewhere in the back of their minds they believe that if they're engaging in an act of self-love and somehow reach climax at the exact moment the camera switches to a dude -- especially a dude in drag -- they'll turn gay forever.

Basic Instinct had lots and lots of sex.

The Sexy Bait: Sharon Stone Sleeps With Everyone

Stone's character is a dynamite-looking, promiscuous, bisexual lady, so my friends and I headed to the theater (place you used to watch movies that wasn't your phone) expecting to see one hot escapade after another. What we got, however, was this:

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sharon Stone Brutally Murders People With an Ice Pick

I don't have a great clip, but check out the beginning of this trailer. Much like the second entry on this list, this movie thoroughly enjoys mixing sex and violence. Accordingly, the opening scene features hotness and an ice pick. A really, really, really nasty way to go, and so traumatic that I remember not being able to get into any of the sexiness that followed. It was like my junk had developed a Pavlovian fear response to Sharon Stone. It would take another 10 years for the rest of my body to follow suit.

Blue Velvet in which she played a sexy lounge singer and got naked a lot, I was pretty excited.

The Sexy Bait: One of the Most Beautiful Actresses Ever, Naked

In some ways, Blue Velvet delivers. After all, Rossellini does lose her clothes a bit and often wears little more than a kimono. She also sings in a sultry cabaret voice. And no matter what, Isabella Rossellini always conveys the most attractive combination of grace, intelligence and sexuality.

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Dennis Hopper and David Lynch's Circus Sexuality

The bad news for your penis, however, is that

Blue Velvet was directed by David Lynch, and it has become increasingly clear during Lynch's long career that he apparently lost his virginity after dropping acid at a carnival as part of a snake boy/bearded lady sandwich. Sex is not so sexy in David Lynch's world.

First off, through the glory of hair and makeup, he turns Isabella Rossellini into Rocky Horror Tim Curry.

I will get you for this, Mr. Lynch.

And then there's the bigger problem of Rossellini's sex happening at the hands of a drug-addicted, unhinged criminal with mommy issues.

The only thing from the '80s to kill more erections than Dennis Hopper's performance was Mrs. Garrett from the

Facts of Life.

thebitchywaiter.blogspot.com

Serves you right for dropping trou to Tootie!

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Horrific Murder

Yes indeed, she does get naked in Psycho to take a shower. Except as you'll see in this unembedable clip, it starts off decidedly nonsexy. Maybe it's the hairstyle or the G-rated face she's making, as if the water is filling her pores with the goodness of Jesus, but it's just not hot.

Put that erection away, son.

At about the 1:21 mark, Janet starts making some shower-appropriate sex faces, which are very encouraging and appreciated.

Actually, wait a second. We're on to something here.

And then it just goes horribly wrong. I mean, it goes horribly right as one of the most memorable horror scenes in cinematic history, but as far a pubescent-boy penis is concerned, it's a huge failure. Mostly because the only sexy shots are nearly subliminal. Oh, and filled with murder. That, too.

Didn't really do it for me, but years later these shots were heavily praised on MurderErection.com, assuming that site exists.

So congratulations, Mr. Hitchcock. You not only killed your female lead, you murdered my erection. Wait. Hitchcock. Is "hitch" like English slang for "poison" or "wilt"? No? Hmm. That would have been pretty funny.

The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sadomasochism Care of Freddy Kreuger

Turns out the porn star nurse is actually a horribly burned pedophile with a razor-festooned murder hand. Also, that bed is the gateway to hell. Also, it seems like there's gonna be some BDSM kinky gay sex before you die. Not just erection-wilting. More like erection-fleeing. Here's a clip I found, which must be an alternate take because the nudity's gone, but I'm pretty sure you get the idea.

So you can see the problem. A problem requiring a multitasking left hand on the remote, a looking away from 0:47 to 1:08, then freeze-frame. (Or repeat as necessary). Impressive, I know.

This column is dedicated to the memory of Danielle Snyder. Rest in peace.

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For more from Gladstone, check out The Top 5 Worst Lines of Dialogue (From Movies That Don't Actually Suck) and When Is It Too Soon To Make Fun of a Tragedy?.