Product #2: Signed Soup Nazi Photo

WHAT IT DOES: Is "signed by Larry Thomas, the actor who played the infamous character in a 1995 episode of Seinfeld" WHAT IT COSTS: $199.95 WHY YOU NEED IT: You have an "offbeat" sense of humor, and there is no better way of showing it off than by purchasing a signed picture of Larry Thomas (aka "The Soup Nazi") to hang in your office. Put it in a visible place and scream to the world, "I am familiar with a semi-obscure character from one of the most-viewed sitcoms in the history of television!" Eventually, someone with a similar knowledge of basic pop culture trivia will see it on your wall and scream back "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" Then you'll be like, "Yup - Seinfeld," and they'll be like, "I love that show!" This will make you more popular around your office, which will all but guarantee that big promotion you've been gunning for. Before long you'll be running the place, and people will come into your office and be like "No soup for you... right, sir?" and you'll be like, "You think I have time to sit around quoting Seinfeld with you, Bill? You're fired - get the fuck out of my office." All for a measly $199.95.

Product #1: Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier

WHAT IT DOES: "It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations... from 50 feet away." WHAT IT COSTS: $40.00 WHY YOU NEED IT: Because you're deaf, you're a businessman, and you can't afford to not be able to join a conversation from 50 feet away. Let's face it - in this business (the business of being a businessman) a debilitating condition like hearing impairment might as well be a death sentence. If a client has a choice between hiring some deaf old codger like yourself or a slick youngster with 20/20 hearing - one who can join their conversation from 50 feet away - who do you think they're going to choose? In the end, it all comes down to the image you want to project. You have two choices:

Bluetooth Headset: "I am a very busy businessman. I'm even too busy to hold my phone while I'm using it! Also, don't you think this thing kind of makes me look like Robocop? Admit it - I totally look like Robocop right now."

Hearing Aid: "What? Sorry - I can't hear." It's your decision: Do you want to look like a deaf old man, or a dashing young half-professional half-Robocop? What was that? Did somebody say "no-brainer"? Oh, yeah - SkyMall did!