This movie is balls-to-the-wall awesome at every stop, and I'll tell you why -- double Van Damme. Now, you may say, "Felix, don't you also get two Van Dammes in Double Impact, Maximum Risk, Replicant, and The Order?" to which I would reply, "You clearly looked up Van Damme on IMDb because no one remembers that he played the founder of the Order at the beginning of that movie." Let's move on.
Van Damme plays Pierre Le Time Cop or whatever -- it's been a while since I saw it, and Van Damme has never had a character name that wasn't stupid in a movie. His name in Cyborg was Gibson Rickenbacker. Who the fuck came up with that? It was like they were watching the dailies of the bad guy during that 20-minute sequence where all he does is roar and show his teeth while fighting Van Damme and they figured they just needed one more thing to push the movie over the edge into ultra-retarded and "Gibson Rickenbacker" is what did it.
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"Graah! Aaaagh! Raaaagh! Graaaggh!" *repeat*
We could spend some time addressing why the cars of the future look like the night terrors of someone who designs PLAYMOBIL toys, but instead we'll jump right into the time-traveling fun. In Timecop, it's illegal to travel through time because people who travel through time are assholes and all they do is steal shit from the past. So you need Van Damme and his mullet to do the splits across the fourth dimension to keep us all safe. But there's one big, important rule, the biggest, most important time travel rule of all -- the same object cannot occupy the same space.
What I just said literally makes no sense because it's a statement that's technically already true of pretty much all things, let alone "same" things. You can't occupy the same space as anything else because you and everything else are made of atoms, which tend to rarely mix up like a sloppy old stew just because they're close to each other. However, that's precisely what happens in Timecop. If future you and past you touch, you become a disgusting blob of shit. Why? Fuckin' Newton, man, how should I know? It just happens.
We get a firsthand look at this awful outcome at the end of the movie when villainous Ron Silver and his beard meets other villainous Ron Silver. They turn into some kind of CGI pudding, and then Van Damme lives happily ever after with Ferris Bueller's girlfriend.
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