In all the fun of this current election, you may have forgotten some of the earlier candidates who fell under the cold, conquering mitt of Mitt. Yes there was Newt and Huntsman and Bachmann, but do you remember Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey? Of course you don't, he's insane.
Jon Sharkey, also known as Rocky Adonis Flash, is a semi-pro wrestler, a Republican, a proponent of decapitation for criminals, a fan of girls 19 and under, and a vampire. Now that's a resume. And he's been investigated by the Secret Service for threatening to impale George W. Bush.
His 2008 campaign blog has posts that are mostly about declaring a Satanic holy war against Muslims and something about turning an 18-year-old girl into a vampire. Also a lot of death threats against people who mock him, so if I go missing, please question any handlebar-mustachioed vampires you can find. If he's recently sheared, just look for the guy who seems to be in as good shape as Steven Seagal, but with a confused, teenage girlfriend. I'll probably be OK, though -- I'll just blame it all on Adam Tod Brown, because I think I can outrun him.
Sharkey, as a conservative, ex-military Satanist vampire who likes teenage girls, would be a more hands-on president than we're used to, and apparently would have killed bin Laden himself if he'd been president at the time, which seems nice? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if that was part of his political platform, either. Can a presidential hopeful just list the accomplishments of other presidents and try to top them with fictional plans for how they would have made them better?
When not drinking blood twice a week, Sharkey is making plans for his America. If you guessed that he supports legal immigration but would execute illegal immigrants by impaling them, you have a stunning gift for guessing fucked up shit. If you guessed that he's also pro-life, you appreciate irony.