Statistics show that everyone watches porn thrice per day. Thrice. You have a window open right now with porn in it, don't you? Please indicate in the comments what manner of porn it is, unless it's gross. If you feel that my stats are suspect, I invite you to read these even more terrifyingly awesome real statistics, which indicate that the biggest porn site on the web, XVideos.com, gets 4.4 billion hits per month. It streams 1 terabyte of data every second. Only insane sites like Google and Facebook pull in more traffic. Youporn, which ranks second to XVideos, is still about six times the size of Hulu. And then there's PornHub.
With 2.5 billion views a month, PornHub is a busy place, and in October of 2012, they decided to be good Samaritans by offering up money for a good cause. For every viewer who checked out some porn featuring boobies, PornHub would donate cash to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. The official deal was one cent for every 30 views of videos in the big or small boobies categories. As an aside, there's such a thing as small boobies porn? Please explain.
In their official press release, PornHub assured us all that it didn't matter if you liked a nice handful of "low-swinging flapjacks" because they were all for charity. And thank God, because low-swinging flapjacks do not get enough love these days. Maybe they get batted around like an ape playing with a tire on a swing, but have you ever thought that looking at them would help treat cancer? Of course not.
By the end of the month, PornHub had raised $25,000, which isn't much, but it's better than a slap in the flapjacks. Susan G. Komen and her cronies, however, were all "This exploitative porn money isn't cool" and rejected any involvement, leaving PornHub to find a new charity to accept their cash. Meanwhile, the rest of us are forced to wonder if a site that so freely slaps around the word "flapjacks" is really the place to be raising money for a serious health issue that affects women when their bread and butter seems to be bukkake.