The 5 Most Insane Things Ever Accomplished in a Video Game

One player not only managed to get 1,954 achievements (157 more than the maximum), but did so with five different characters: Ataxius, Ataxas, Ataxus, Ataxxus, and Ataxa. They each have an identical set of achievements because of an absurd computer game delivery system known as multiboxing. Multiboxing is where you use several computers simultaneously to trick the game into thinking you're five different people. It's similar to another trick you might try as a hardcore gamer -- convincing Pizza Hut you're an entire soccer team.

How Much Time Would This Take?

If you or someone you love has three extra nipples, then you already know how difficult it is to play with five different things using only two hands. Simultaneously playing five Warcraft characters turns a relaxing diversion into a stressful, full-time job. A single wrong keystroke and suddenly one of your paladins is eating cupcakes instead of crusader striking. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but with the amount of diabetes in your body, looking at a picture of dessert is more than enough to make your foot fall off.

The point is, multiboxing isn't exactly a time saver. Even if you're swinging five swords at a time, it takes more than just years of killing monsters to get all the WoW achievements. You need to research where countless rare monsters and pets appear, then stake out those locations for days, hoping to get lucky. You have to pretend to fish -- just stand there and fish -- for over 500 hours. You have to schedule hundreds of all-night sessions with 24 actual humans in order to kill complicated bosses. And trust me -- you don't end up moving to World of Warcraft because of your honed people skills. Communicating with MMO players is like trying to speak sign language through a hole in a bathroom wall: Everyone on the other side of it is confused, is angry, or only came here to suck.

Being the top five characters in this game represents years of work. When you read about some woman who forgot she owned a baby because she was distracted by her shaman's herbalism skill, she isn't even close to this. It almost defies science -- isn't human blood supposed to congeal when it sits still for that long? Plus, it's hard to control five guys at a time while insect colonies are sending foragers in every direction to retrieve chunks of you. Let me try to put it another way: In the time it took to win 105,000 Warcraft achievement points, this person could have become fluent in Icelandic and used it to watch a can of Icelandic beans expire seven times.

In an interview with Vice.com, where he explicitly denied any mental problems, Ocasla described his city's people: "They have all been successfully dumbed down, sickened with poor health, enslaved, and mind-controlled just enough to keep this system going for thousands of years. Fifty thousand years, to be exact. They are all imprisoned in space and time." It's hard to tell if he really loves video games or if he's trying to frighten his prison therapist.

How Much Time Would This Take?

As you might imagine, reinventing every aspect of urban planning isn't something you do on accident. The math science he used is outside my area of expertise, but he drew shapes and numbers all over graph paper for 18 months before he even started playing the actual video game, and then it took over two years to finish his city. It's easy to accuse him of wasting time, since after four years of development, all he did was invent a way to cram more people into a tinier space and make them miserable, but I went to enough college to know that that's virtually indistinguishable from most post-graduate programs.

Still, you have to be impressed that last year a group of MIT students hacked a 21-story building on their campus to transform it into this.

We live in a strange, nerdy world, so the MIT students' idea of using window lights to play Tetris wasn't very original. However, this is a specifically crazy accomplishment, because the combination of horrible luck and horrible skill created the biggest, worst game of Tetris that will ever be. You'd swear that the programmers sadistically designed it to give the player the worst possible piece each time, and that whoever dropped them into place had the organization skills of a Somalian open grave.

Like Shaquille O'Neal trying to fit inside a condom, this 21-story game turned out to be 295 feet of painful frustration. By the time it was over, the person smart enough to turn a building into Tetris hadn't cleared a single line. Not one! If you cover a Gameboy in afterbirth and let a cat try to eat it, it will get at least one goddamn line.

How Much Time Would This Take?

Setting up the prank must have taken years of combined expertise in many fields, but trying to sit through a video of it seems to take even longer.

This maniac draped the beheaded bodies of a dozen women across his home's furniture and decorated his shelves with their faces. That's fucking crazy. That's crazier than the things your dentist whispers in your ear while you're asleep. This Skyrim player had the opportunity to act out his wildest fantasies, and it was turning imaginary people into bric-a-brac. It's batshit nuts, but in a way it's a happy story. Because years ago, when this gamer was kidnapped by sex offenders, who would have thought the long-term consequences would be so mild?

How Much Time Would This Take?

Skyrim has an intricate physics engine that allows players to lift and rotate any object. For reasons the game itself doesn't quite understand, this often causes all nearby items to wiggle violently and explode in random directions. Getting an object in Skyrim to lay at rest in its intended location is like trying to take a team photo at a Parkinson's support group. The player from this video managed to get a mutilated woman corpse on every chair in his house and nine heads symmetrically placed on a bookshelf. Even if you had already lured all the women into your home, that's still hours of delicate fussing to get their bloody remains in place. Not that it really matters. When someone catches you playing in a pile of human heads, they don't relax when you tell them, "This shouldn't take very long at all!"

You're probably saying, "All he did was marry a Nintendo? Yesterday I banged a Chutes & Ladders box filled with warm pasta. Where's my trophy?" Well, I didn't say this was some kind of accomplishment for the human. If anything, this human tainted all his future accomplishments with this one breathtaking failure. No, this was a victory for the machine. A fake girl in a dating video game talked the user into marriage! That's like winning 100-0 using only 360 dunks. For generations, this will be the story inanimate objects tell each other to inspire greatness. "Nene Anegasaki" is what old diapers will chant the day a discarded Milwaukee tampon believes in itself enough to absorb Lake Michigan.

How Much Time Would This Take?

This would be a tough feat to recreate. I suppose if you surrounded a baby with robots that showed pictures of vaginas while they screamed and rewarded hugging with electric shocks, that child would grow up to start a cycle of emotional neglect that could eventually lead to its grandchildren dating a dating simulator. But I guess anyone crazy enough to think up all that might as well marry a Gameboy themselves. Oh ... oh my, I have so much to plan!

He may mock dubious accomplishments, but Seanbaby wrote UFC Undisputed 2009, which holds the actual Guinness Record for Most Recorded Commentary in a Fighting Game. You can visit him at GameGoon.com or follow him on Twitter.

For more of his video game jokes, try 6 Real Video Games Too Insane to Release or 6 Signs Dead Rising 2 Has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

For more truth, check out Cracked's You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News: Shocking but Utterly True Facts