All was looking good for Radigis and Betty until Radigis' father fell ill. On his deathbed, he instructed Radigis to call off his engagement to the strange foreigner and marry someone local instead. When Betty heard the news, she wept and listened to Lana Del Rey for a while, and then made the most logical choice for an abandoned bride: she decided to invade Radigis' f*****g country.
See, according to the Greek historian Procopius, the Anglian "barbarians" of the time took the idea of marriage very seriously: "When merely the name of marriage has been mentioned among them," he wrote, "the woman is considered to have lost her maidenhood." It's probably good that this aspect of the culture didn't really survive in England or its colonies, lest any one of us duck into a Dave's Bridal to get out of the rain and find ourselves engaged to the stock boy.
"Hey, you like boxes? I like boxes too."
How Did That Work Out?
An army of 100,000 Anglian soldiers descended on the fiance's homeland, all singing "Love Is a Battlefield" in unison, and the Germanic armies met them near the mouth of the Rhine. There, the Germans were decisively defeated by the sheer power of the insulted Betty, and a group of soldiers brought her news of the victory, only for her to yell at them that they'd achieved f**k-all, because they hadn't brought back her husband-to-be alive.