How Did That Work Out?
Not so well. Suyumbike requested that she be allowed to climb to the top of the tower, maybe to make sure the inside wasn't made up of crude papier-mache and glue. Once she reached the top she promptly threw herself off to her death, casting a bit of a shadow over the engagement. I presume that, when Ivan fell in love after that, he wasn't fooled by the woman who wanted him to build her a giant tank full of man-eating sharks or the one that demanded he give her a noose and a sign reading "FUCK YOU IVAN."
"About Me: Looking for honest women who don't play games. No more drama."
Historians have since determined that the tower's construction is too recent to date back to the time of Ivan the Terrible, but since the town records concerning it were destroyed in a fire, it's hard to tell how much of the rest of the story is myth. It's quite possible the inhabitants of Kazan made up the whole thing so they'd have an excuse for the fact that, until recent renovations, the tower was gradually tipping over. "Yeah, our prized tower might be falling down, but it was made in seven days and Ivan was antsy. Give us a break."
"Yes, I'll Marry You! But First Kill My Baby Daddy. Oh, and He's a Politician"
It was the 1820s, and young Kentucky lawyer Jereboam Beauchamp was in love with an older woman named Ann Cook. Cook, apparently, had been tragically wronged in the past: a politician and lawyer named Solomon Sharp had fathered an illegitimate child with her, leaving her in disgrace. So Cook did the only reasonable thing: she told Beauchamp that she'd marry him only if he left an angry message scrawled on Sharp's carriage in horse poop. No wait, kill him. She told the poor guy she'd marry him if he killed Sharp. I imagine she phrased it something like, "Thou must murder him well," because in my head people in 19th-century Kentucky speak like characters in bad medieval-based fantasy novels.
"Make sure thou dost draw a dick on his face afterward."
Rather than simply shrugging his shoulders and marrying Debbie from work instead, Beauchamp agreed. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't very good at murder. First, he tracked down Sharp and demanded a duel, but Sharp refused to participate and left town soon after. Beauchamp tried to lure him back by writing letters under false names, which Sharp ignored. Finally, Beauchamp just traveled to his house and stabbed the guy.
I BEG THEE, GOOD SIR, DO NOT DRAWETH A DICK ON MINE FACE.
How Did That Work Out?
Beauchamp was arrested for murder, and Cook talked her way into his prison cell so the two could attempt a double suicide. She died from a self-inflicted stab wound: Beauchamp survived his own self-inflicted wound long enough to be hanged. The couple was buried together, which is the only nice part of the whole story. Which goes to show that you should really just marry Debbie.
C. Coville has a Twitter here and a funny book on sale here.
For more from C. Coville, check out 5 Reasons Modern Life Is Driving Manliness to Extinction and 5 Secret Languages That Stuck It to the Man.
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