4

"You Want This? Prove It by Taking Over a Whole Goddamn Country"

Peter Nicolai Arbo

What would you do if the person you proposed to demanded that you take over and rule a country before they'd accept? Probably, you'd just marry Debbie from work instead. She's really nice, and she gets on with your mother.

Siri Stafford/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Why does everyone always forget about Debbie?

Not so Harald, the ninth-century ruler of several small kingdoms in what would one day become Norway. According to the Norse saga of kings, the Heimskringla, Harald was in love with a woman named Gyda. He sent messengers to propose to her, but Gyda knocked them back, saying that she'd marry only the king of a whole country, not the lousy ruler of a few puny scattered kingdoms.

Via Avaldsnes
Oooh, Norway-zoned.

3

"Walk a Thousand Miles and I'll Consider It"

kevron2001/iStock/Getty Images

In 2011, Chinese artist Peiwen Liu got down on one knee to propose to his girlfriend. But things didn't go smoothly: the girl jokingly told him she would marry him only if he walked 1,000 miles for her. She then probably went on with her day, but Peiwen decided to take her words literally and set off to walk from the town of Anyang to Guangzhou, a city around 1,000 miles away, where his girlfriend's parents lived. Carrying a backpack and a red flag reading "Eager to meet my mother-in-law," he walked about 25 miles per day. He even started to blog his experiences, which included being mistaken for a vagrant and a terrifying incident in which he was almost murdered by cows.

Via Orange.co.uk
At least he brought a towel.

How Did That Work Out?

Unfortunately for websites with names like Life Is Really Beautiful that reported on his romantic quest, the story lacks a happy ending. By the time Peiwen was a week away from his destination, his fiance was already sending him text messages telling him to give it up and go home. When he persevered and arrived in the city, she sent him a text that read "I will not spend the rest of my life with you" and then switched off her phone.

Via Orange.co.uk
"If only my scheme had given me warning by involving some sort of red flag."

2

"Build the Tallest Tower in the City ... in Seven Days"

wzfs1s/iStock/Getty Images

If you ever visit the city of Kazan in Tatarstan, Russia, you'll see a weird tower that looks like a hardcore wedding cake:

Via Tartarstan.ru
See it on your next trip to Tatarstan to pick up groceries.

Legend has it the tower dates back to Ivan the Terrible's conquest of Kazan in the 16th century. Impressed by the beauty of the local queen, Suyumbike, Mr. Terrible demanded her hand in marriage. Suyumbike was maybe not enthused about hooking up with a guy who was definitely not nicknamed "Ivan the Nice" or "Ivan the Probably Treats Foreign Princesses Really Well," and she made a seemingly impossible demand: construct the tallest tower in Kazan within seven days. Other accounts have her demanding that he construct the tallest tower anyone had ever seen in the same timeframe, but considering it was Tatarstan in the 16th century, I don't think it really matters; we're not talking about modern Dubai here.

Ivan must have been just really eager to experience one of those wedding DJs who keeps playing "Celebration" even though you asked him to stick to dubstep, because he supposedly bullied his men into building the tower, and within seven days it was up.

Via Wikipedia
"It usually doesn't take Ivan seven days, ladies."

1

"Yes, I'll Marry You! But First Kill My Baby Daddy. Oh, and He's a Politician"

moodboard/moodboard/Getty Images

It was the 1820s, and young Kentucky lawyer Jereboam Beauchamp was in love with an older woman named Ann Cook. Cook, apparently, had been tragically wronged in the past: a politician and lawyer named Solomon Sharp had fathered an illegitimate child with her, leaving her in disgrace. So Cook did the only reasonable thing: she told Beauchamp that she'd marry him only if he left an angry message scrawled on Sharp's carriage in horse poop. No wait, kill him. She told the poor guy she'd marry him if he killed Sharp. I imagine she phrased it something like, "Thou must murder him well," because in my head people in 19th-century Kentucky speak like characters in bad medieval-based fantasy novels.

Via Wikipedia
"Make sure thou dost draw a dick on his face afterward."

Rather than simply shrugging his shoulders and marrying Debbie from work instead, Beauchamp agreed. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't very good at murder. First, he tracked down Sharp and demanded a duel, but Sharp refused to participate and left town soon after. Beauchamp tried to lure him back by writing letters under false names, which Sharp ignored. Finally, Beauchamp just traveled to his house and stabbed the guy.

Via Murderpedia
I BEG THEE, GOOD SIR, DO NOT DRAWETH A DICK ON MINE FACE.

How Did That Work Out?

Beauchamp was arrested for murder, and Cook talked her way into his prison cell so the two could attempt a double suicide. She died from a self-inflicted stab wound: Beauchamp survived his own self-inflicted wound long enough to be hanged. The couple was buried together, which is the only nice part of the whole story. Which goes to show that you should really just marry Debbie.

C. Coville has a Twitter here and a funny book on sale here.

For more from C. Coville, check out 5 Reasons Modern Life Is Driving Manliness to Extinction and 5 Secret Languages That Stuck It to the Man.

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