The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them)

Email #5: "FW: Forward This To Everyone You Know And Your Wishes Will Come True!"

Dating back at least to the 1930s (and probably even further), the Good Luck chain letter promises prosperity to anyone who forwards it on. They are generally accompanied by anecdotes that are supposed to "prove" that forwarding the email brings good fortune: the homeless man wins the lottery, the blind woman regains her sight, and the two of them meet and fall in love and have homeless, blind babies and live happily ever after... and all because they forwarded this email to 10 of their friends! These emails also usually contain warnings of what might happen if you DON'T forward it on. "A woman in Albuquerque deleted this without forwarding it, and a few minutes later... SHE GOT HIT BY A BUS!!!" they say, right before encouraging you to scroll down past a bunch of crap that looks like this: * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * Make a wish! * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * Did you make a wish yet? * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * Are you annoyed yet? * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * You should be annoyed by now! This is really obnoxious! * ** **** ***** ******* ******** ********** *********** ********** ********* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * POOF! Your wish is granted! What did you wish for? I don't know about you guys, but I wished for a new Gmail feature that replaces garbage like this in my inbox with funny pictures of animals.

Email #4: "FW: Funniest Pictures EVER (LOL)!!!"

This classic twist on the standard "FW: Funny Joke Inside!!!" email (more about that later) takes things to the next level: Instead of text-based jokes written with the average 10-year-old in mind, the "Funny Pictures" email consists of a mixed bag of tired jpgs that anyone who has had an internet connection in the past decade has already seen a dozen times. For example, one might receive the following picture:

With the subject: "Fw: Think YOU Have It Bad At Work?" Or alternatively, you might receive the following:

With the subject: "Fw: This Kid's Got ATTITUDE LOL!!!" It could just as easily be any other funny picture that you've seen a dozen times already, but the probability that a mom will forward it to you increases dramatically depending on the image's specific characteristics. Here's a handy chart:

Why Moms Can't Resist It

Because your mom hasn't spent the vast majority of her life looking at stupid shit on the internet. Chances are your mom was born in the vast primordial soup that was the pre-internet era, and as such, her knowledge of Web culture probably begins and ends with the Dancing Baby (if even that). She hasn't seen every video of people being hit in the nuts on YouTube, she's never heard of Tay Zonday, and she doesn't know that she's supposed to find ninjas, pirates, and Chuck Norris inherently funny. Cut her some slack, though: Unlike you, the Millennial twerp with your vlogging and social networking and whatever else you nerds are doing these days, your mom squandered

Email #3: "FW: WARNING: AVOID ALL PRODUCTS (RECENT STUDIES SHOW THEY CAN KILL YOU!!!)"

Did you know there's a new tasteless, odorless date rape drug that leaves you STERILE FOREVER? What about the bug larvae that can grow inside your body and then EAT THEIR WAY OUT OF YOUR NIPPLES!? That would be bad enough on its own, but to make matters worse, did you hear that every cleaning product in your kitchen can (and will) kill your pets, give you cancer, and burn your house down? Thank God your dear old mother sent you all those helpful emails to warn you - now do your loved ones a favor and pass it on to everyone you know. Who knows - you might save a life!

Why Moms Can't Resist It

When you were a little kid and had no idea what was going on, your mother was old enough to recognize just how stupid the things coming out of your mouth were. "Whazzat?" you asked her, pointing. "A car," she replied. "Whazzat?" you asked again, pointing in the other direction. "That's another car," she replied patiently, leaving out the "you moron. What's wrong with you?" As far as your mom is concerned, you're still that drooling doofus who doesn't know what a car is. Why would she think you're capable of surviving on your own? At the same time, though, she thinks she can save you from a horrific, house-burning-down-while-bugs-climb-out-of-your-nipples death by forwarding you hoax emails, so I guess you win anyway. Even if you don't know what a car is, you idiot.

This is what they look like.

Email #2: "FW: For Every Person You Forward This To, A Penny Is Donated To Some Sort Of Child-Related Cause!"

Whether it's a rare form of cancer, a natural disaster, or just a good ol' fashioned baby-snatching, there are always going to be children out there who need your help. And since email is such a cheap way to reach millions of people worldwide, using it to get your message out seems like a perfectly effective solution, right? You know - because if the kid gets even just

Email #1: "FW: Funniest Jokes EVER Inside (LOL)!!!"

What happened to the priest, the rabbi, and the imam when they got to the pearly gates?