Daniel looked long and hard. Into Swaim's eyes, I mean. "You know, when you put it like that, it's actually kind of beautiful."
"Just like you and your butt, my friend," said Swaim as his hands drifted down Daniel. "Just like you and your butt ..."
Agents And Presidential Candidates Of The Game Of Star Hunger Wars Games
Now that I've experimented with a number of different approaches, it's time to unite them. Some of the greatest novels ever written have blended wildly disparate styles and genres to form epics that span all conceivable boundaries. I'm not arrogant enough to compare myself to the masters, but at least I'll be able to say that I tried.
Daniel O'Brien and Michael Swaim were just getting to the best part of their butt-touching when Bernie Sanders burst into the office.
"Bernie Sanders? What are you doing here?" asked Daniel. "And can I ask you about your facial hair preferences for when you're elected president?"
"There's no time for that! President Snow has kidnapped my new lover, Hillary Clinton, and is going to make her fight in the Hunger Games as part of his scheme to systematically dismantle women's rights in America!"
"Gasp!" gasped Swaim. "He's going to take away the most important women's right of all ... the right to not get murdered in a death sport! Well, let the record state that I voted for Voldemort."
"No you didn't. So what's the plan, Bernie Sanders?" asked Daniel.
"Do you remember my declaration to invent time travel if elected?"
"Well, let's just say that's not one of those empty political promises," said Luke Skywalker as he emerged from the shadows. "I'm told you'll recognize me and my padawan, Robb Stark." Robb had replaced his great sword with a great lightsaber, and his winter furs with shorts and a T-shirt with his own face on it.
"And I'm here too, for some reason!" said Harry Potter as he apparated into the office holding his two new wands, Painbringer and Woundfucker.
Daniel and Swaim had 734 and two questions they wanted to ask, respectively, but Luke Skywalker cut them off.
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have operatives in place at the Hunger Games." Luke revealed a tablet from his robes that displayed the faces of Katniss Everdeen, Mark, and Olivia Wilde. "The bad news is that the combined forces of the Empire, the Lannisters, the Capitol, and BuzzFeed are approaching this building as we speak. And they're led by Chads from across the spacetime continuum. I'm afraid there's barely time to plan for their attack, let alone do some team-building butt-touching."
"Then I guess there's only one thing to do, L-Dawg," said Mark as Katniss brandished her bow, Oliva Wilde showed off her flamethrowing guitar, and Mark lifted twin magnums that were shaped like his erection. "Use excessive Force."
The ensuing battle was too epic to be recorded in mere words, unless you count "bghtyr6y," which is the word that was formed when my erection hit my keyboard. The best way to approximate the experience would be to perform a sick guitar solo while receiving absolutely filthy oral sex from someone who's also performing a sick guitar solo, and then the president awards you the Presidential Medal Of Being Fucking Rad As All Hell, Oh Man, Did You See That Shit? We'll just leave it at the good guys won, and they won so hard that the bad guys' grandchildren would be born with exit wounds. Except they won't be born at all, because it's hard to have offspring when you're turbo dead.
Mark surveyed the quiet battlefield, probably thinking about the horrors of war or some other smart-guy shit, when Bernie Sanders approached him.
"Thanks for saving Hillary Clinton," said Bernie Sanders. "We just had some pretty kickass sex." Bernie Sanders and Mark high-fived.
"Well, I didn't do it alone. If Gandalf hadn't shown up when he did, then Dracula might have been the end of us all."
"So what are you going to do now?"
Mark put one hand on Bernie Sanders' shoulder, and the other hand on his butt.
"I'm going to live, Bernie. I'm going to live."
You can read more from Mark, or look at pictures of some of his favorite butts, at his website.
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