Y'see, before heading to Banff, I had some Calgary business to attend to -- namely doing a guest set at Calgary's Yuk Yuk's on Saturday night and making Gillian Anderson fall in love with me at an X-Files panel on Sunday morning. Unfortunately, just before I got on stage, most of the corneal cells in my right eye fell off. It's kind of a lovely chronic condition I have that flares up about once a year, brought on my sleeplessness, eye strain, and dryness. In the days leading up to the trip, I'd barely slept and had been working on my laptop a lot. Also, Alberta is DRY. Super dry. Like Adam Tod Brown Prom Date dry. (Just kidding, Adam didn't go to prom.) So, yes, I went on stage (thanks to the very funny Amanda Perrin) and did my set to a bunch of Calgarians, even though my eye looked like this:
How do you like me now?!
Incidentally, I also made an ass of myself at Yuk Yuk's by complaining about my condition to headliner Darryl Lenox, unaware he was suffering far greater eye maladies. (Thank you for not beating me to death, Darryl).
By Sunday, the condition had only gotten worse. My eyes no longer lined up as revealed by this photo of me.
Due to this eye condition (and ONLY because of this condition) Gillian decided not spend the next two days with me in Banff. I mean, what else could it be? Like Duchovny, I'm an Ivy League-educated English major from the Northeast, whose slightly prominent nose only accentuates his Semetic good looks. But unlike Duchovny, I'm 10 years younger and 6 inches shorter, so Gillian wouldn't have to strain her neck during stand-up make-out sessions. Seemed like a pretty flawless pick-up plan to me. Anyway, the eye condition ruined everything, but that didn't stop me from putting a pants suit on my hotel pillow and calling it Agent Scully. So don't be too quick to call me a loser.