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Gay Demons

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Back before the invention of medicine and thinking, probably a lot of erratic behavior was blamed on demons. Why not? Someone doing shit you don't like? Tell everyone Satan is inside them. Your cousin has seizures? That's probably Satan trying to push on a pull door. Schizophrenic? Nope, you just have Super Satan Vision and your world is a little different from everyone else's. But even in modern times, there's one thing some churches still are pretty convinced is being thrust upon us by demons, so to speak, and that's gay. Yep, gay is caused by Satan. Satan is basically Richard Simmons with a pitchfork.

If you think about this entry too long, it becomes a lot more sad and depressing than I am making it seem, since there are whole congregations out there making mockery of members by trying to convince them the reason they're attracted to members of the same sex is because the archnemesis of the very Creator of the universe, the most prideful of angels who so hated mankind that he rebelled against an impossible-to-defeat enemy and was cast for all eternity into a realm of suffering and regret, is anxious to see the proliferation of Dancing With the Stars and blow jobs.

A quick Google search will net you a tidy little sum of videos of these exorcisms in which hicks and the ignorant band together to cast out gay demons. None of them come anywhere close to being as awesome as this one featuring perennial shyster Bob Larson and his scruffy man demon. Also, for legal purposes, I am happy to retract my insinuation that Bob Larson is a fraud if he is equally happy to prove he's ever actually exorcised a demon and not just made a guy who looks like he makes knickknacks in his basement woodshop openly admit to playing with his own butthole.

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Cancercism

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Sexorcism

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Probably the biggest problem facing a modern exorcist is how sexy some demons are. I have to assume this is true because there's just an abundance of dickorcisms going on, and if the demons were fugly in some way, I know that I for one would be maybe using tongs to try to get rid of them, rather than my junk. Even if that demon was waaaaaaay up inside a vagina, I still think I'd try to use a squirt bottle to knock it out, or a few minutes on Jesus' trampoline.

In this case, prominent Catholic priest and pro-life advocate Thomas Euteneuer became the spiritual adviser and deliverance minister to an unnamed woman back in 2008. What was she being delivered from? According to her, it was her clothes. And not having his naked ass rubbing up against her.

Euteneuer told her he had received permission to perform an exorcism on her, because her demons were causing all kinds of shit. His chosen method of exorcism included open-mouth kissing to "blow the Holy Spirit" into her and the traditional Catholic rite of finger-banging. And really, say Beelzebub is wandering down the street in hell -- do you think he's going to be bragging that a priest in Virginia fingered his hell holes? God no. That's humiliating. Giving a demon the ol' knuckle duster where it counts is almost as effective as beating it in the head with one of those thick old-timey Bibles.

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Bottled Ghosts

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There's a saying that it's not about the destination but the journey. I think that probably had something to do with Detroit. But it's also very true of exorcisms. When do all exorcism movies end? Once the demon has been exorcised, once you've reached the destination. But what the hell happens then? An exorcism gets a demon out of a body -- then where does it go? You can say it goes back to hell, but who's checking?

Lucky for us there are at least a few exorcists out there who give a damn about where these free-floating apparitions are going and what they're doing with their time. A responsible exorcist can't leave evil spirits just sitting on the table; that would be absurd. What if someone ate it? To prevent this, there's an exorcist in New Zealand (because I always want to include a story from Australia or New Zealand whenever I can) who will not only remove the evil from your house, but then store the evil in small bottles.

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Most people don't realize these ships are manned by a tiny ghost crew.

After suffering through the terrors of "the jug boiling itself" and her dog going "mental" (those are both quotes; God, what a charming story this is), Avie Woodbury called in an exorcist who managed to capture the spirits of an old man and a little girl and jam them both into bottles of holy water that Woodbury promptly sold on eBay.

The bottled ghosts sold for $1,395 U.S., if you can believe that, and Woodbury said she was going to donate the money to an animal charity after she paid the exorcist. The story is pretty great where it sits right now, but if you'd like to take it to a whole new level, ponder for a second what this means if it's real. Imagine for a second that this was entirely true and Woodbury 100 percent sincerely believed it. That she really was haunted by the disembodied spirits of a man and a girl and they were captured in bottles of holy water, which she then sold on eBay. She believes she has the souls of two humans in her possession and she sold them for $1,000. Now who's the evil monster?

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