The data and professional opinions on the subject of chai-yok's effectiveness are divided at best. People who have tried it describe it as terrifying heat hell on your nether regions. Still, it wouldn't cross my mind to claim that it's a hokey treatment. That's not my place, any more than that goddamn steam chair is. I'm just saying that if you choose to buy one of the many, many DIY vagina-steaming kits out there, be damn sure your knowledge of herbs is up to the task. Although my personal experience on the subject of genital steaming is limited to that one time I'm not legally allowed to discuss until 2027, I feel that when you find out the $20 bag of "relaxing herbs" you bought online and liberally administered to your hot water is actually ground naga morichi chilies and dried ferret poop, teetering at the brink of first-degree burns is going to be the least of your vaginal worries.

Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
"WHO KNEW A BEAUTY PROCEDURE THAT INVOLVES THE WORDS 'GENITAL' AND 'BOILING' COULD GO WRONG SOMEHOW?"

The product's most prominent feature -- the ridiculous gap that makes your pubes and the root of the dong look like a tiny dude with an Afro -- is not there because the nut-brassiere concept requires it, by the way. It's there because the manufacturer felt the need to provide an option to ... freely hang out.

Donvanstaden/iStock/Getty Images
Creating an effect not unlike this.

Why this is, no one knows. Some sources suggest that the Ballbra's design is supposed to reduce the risk of testicular cancer, but if this is true, the product website certainly goes to impressive lengths to hide this particular benefit. The front page greets you with a series of mildly worrying fortune cookie one-liners endlessly streaming from a dude's screen-filling crotch bulge. "See the difference, because feeling it will surprise you!" is kind of a red flag. "Don't let them get away -- use Ballbra" definitely is.

BallBra
"You read that right -- we just told you to go swing this thing in front of your neighbors. BUY ALL OF THE BALLBRAS NOW."

It would be nice to be able to chalk up the Ballbra as a novelty product, or maybe a supportive thing to keep older dudes from tripping over their nuts. But from what I can tell, the bra for balls is a completely serious product, and the intended market segment is youngish bro types. They're buying, too: I've actually had the misfortune to witness some otherwise sane-looking guy proudly wearing one in a locker room, dick flopping about and all. It was no one's proudest moment.

Oh, and of course the manufacturer seems real keen on accentuating the sexy potential of the product. Because what prospect of erotic affection wouldn't fall head over heels for a man who proudly wears his testicles in a sling? A sling that openly, clearly reads "Ballbra"?

Semen flavor enhancers are a whole host of mildly dubious pill-shaped products the manufacturers of which swear blind can turn even the foulest of man-goos into a veritable buffet of taste sensations. Most of the products out there consist of your average dietary-supplement fodder, such as acai berry extract, combined with ingredients that enjoy a flavor-enhancing reputation, like spices and pineapple. And if for some reason your significant other isn't impressed by what basically amounts to a dong-administered fruit salad, you could just go for straight green apple:

Via Chemist Direct
Because nothing says "I love you" like an orgasm laced with the tang of malic acid.

All you need to do now is combine your flavor enhancer of choice with the Monster Xplosion ejaculate volumizer and after a week neither of you will ever want to see fruit soup again.

With that off my chest, here's a goddamn vajacial kit:

Via StylingYou
You know, for muff maintenance.

Yes, a vajacial kit, for somehow, vagina facials are a thing in the world we live in, and said thing is called "vajacial" because of course it is. Originally a necessary side service for Brazilian waxing (which can be quite taxing on the skin), the vajacial has since taken on a life of its own. And if the many, many places offering this particular service are anything to go by, a fair number of people are apparently willing to pay money for letting a complete stranger gently slather their private parts in various strange substances that may or may not do them any good.

Man, all these years I've been under the impression that vaginas are kind of popular regardless of how many arbitrary treatments you subject them to. Is ... is this where we as a society stand now, people?

And when I say "simulate," I of course mean "wrap your dong in a rubber tube that kind of acts a little like a foreskin." I'm not going to link to the actual product website, because the company is strictly anti-circumcision and enjoys making its point with a vast pictorial canvas of various dongs and drunkenly botched circumcisions that rivals the most dedicated torture porn sites. You can Google it if you like, and we can be watch list buddies.

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Also, therapy buddies.

The intent of this glorified plastic bag is to act as a sort of 24/7 sweater for the little guy, protecting the tip from freely rubbin' about, which is supposed to eventually restore some feeling down there. This is certainly a noble purpose. It's just sort of hard to get over the fact that SenSlip is essentially a bastard child of a tipless condom and several inches of garden hose, and one you have to wear all the time except during sex (which, incidentally, will be right off the menu when your significant other learns you're milling about your day wearing this little cheesemaker). Hell, even foreskin restoration enthusiasts (yes, they're a thing) deem SenSlip uncomfortable, tight, and flat-out useless.

Via SenSlip
Difficult to believe, I know. But sometimes it's better to believe the experts.

Hey, here's an idea: Since there seems to be a market for dong-tip-protectin' products, do they really need to be of the creepy rubber tube variety? Why not make things festive with, say, tiny dong hats? Actually, why are those not a thing? I would buy three of them right now just out of principle, yet Google image search only turns up a bunch of gag penis hats (which, while they do serve an important social function by allowing us to immediately and accurately recognize a dickhead, are not the dong headwear we're going for here). Come on, crotch product industry, get on with the times -- you and I both know you're regularly churning out way stupider stuff than this. The world needs dong berets, dong bowlers, dong baseball caps, dong bobble hats. Hell, you'd probably make a killing on ironic dong fedoras alone.

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As a bonus, they would also provide a handy last-minute red flag for prospective partners.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Follow him on Twitter.