4

Braingasms

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People say the brain is the biggest sex organ, and those people are usually stuck up and totally unaware of a series of circus-themed videos I own that disprove that foolish claim explicitly and terrifyingly. We can give those people a little credit, however, insofar as you do tend to need some kind of brain stimulation for the physical stimulation to follow. For instance, I can't get turned on at all until someone verbally berates me to the point of tears. It's just my thing.

For other people, the brain is the be all and end all of getting busy. Which is to say things like nudity and a partner are totally irrelevant. Spontaneous orgasm can, in fact, be thought into existence. Rutgers University has studied the concept of spontaneous orgasms with women strapped into MRI machines who are supposed to keep still but apparently have a bad habit of thrashing around like a fish having an orgasm as scientists try to watch their brain activity while they get themselves off just by virtue of wanting to get off, no external stimulation required. This is Professor X level wanking. This is the kind of shit even Sting can't do, and he can apparently start 1920s automobiles just by orgasming in the driver's seat (citation needed).

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3

Footgasms

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If you can orgasm through your thumb, it stands to reason you can orgasm through something else. But while the thumb is an instance of your brain trying to compensate for lack of sensation elsewhere, this foot thing is just wonky.

Mrs. A was the subject of a medical study after she found herself having orgasms about five or six times a day. These orgasms came from her foot. So that's weird.

How does one have a foot orgasm? Turns out Mrs. A had a separate medical condition relating to her foot that required some intensive treatment. As her foot healed, she started having these foot-based orgasms, a result of nerve damage that caused signals from her foot to be misinterpreted in her brain as sexual stimulation. Must have been pretty good, too, for five or six times a day.

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2

Exergasms

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Most people would generally agree that probably maybe kind of part of a healthy sex life could involve exercise. For instance, your average fitness model seems like she's more apt and able to enjoy sex and sexuality than your average Hutt. Have you ever seen a Hutt have sex? No. We know they do, some of them have reality TV shows that feature their offspring, but I'm speaking in generalities. We've all heard somewhere that exercise improves your sex life. Seems legit.

As an Internet comedy writer, I have no idea how to exercise or why I'd want to, but I do know that a study has been conducted on women who have orgasms while exercising, and they call them coregasms. Now you'll see I titled this entry "exergasms," and I think you'll agree that my name is way better, because a coregasm sounds like someone getting off on either the shitty throwaway parts of fruit or really awful movies with no understanding of science.

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1

Birthgasms

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Here's a subject probably no one likes the sound of. Lars von Trier could probably make a really unpleasant movie called Birthgasm and none of us would watch it until it was on Netflix, as should be done with all von Trier films.

The general idea behind this is exactly what you think it is -- it involves a woman giving birth and having an orgasm at the same time. This is noteworthy because on the one hand it seems almost plausible given the area we're dealing with and then on the other it seems just shy of bugfuck crazy because there's an entire person coming out of you, how is that pleasurable? I heard sometimes women tear open all the way down to their butthole when they give birth. Just typing that made me grimace, and now I'm worried about the general health of my own butthole for no reason whatsoever.

According to a study on the matter, midwives reported witnessing orgasms in about 0.3 percent of births. According to my Googling, there are 360,000 births a day, which means 1,080 women a day are having birth-caused orgasms, and that's kind of zany.

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Obstetrics? More like obsextrics! Right? No.

The idea of childbirth being orgasmic rubs some people the wrong way, so to speak, specifically because of the activity you're engaging in. No one likes the idea of babies being anywhere near something sexual. I counter with the idea that anything weighing 8 pounds being shuttled out of your chunnel should give the tingly good-feeling part of your brain pause before it throws itself a party. I feel like the male equivalent of this would be a lazy hand job from the Hulk.

Despite my biologically inept skepticism, apparently it's a pretty simple explanation for the how and why of orgasmic childbirth, especially when you discount C-sections, which obviously won't count, and many traditional hospital births that are often higher stress and complete with epidurals. Natural births, where a woman can relax, have a drink of Kool-Aid, and watch a little Magic Mike, are basically events replete with intense stimulation of the birth canal, cervix, vagina, and clitoris. That's the most mature sentence I've ever written against my better judgment while a veritable cornucopia of hilarious euphemisms danced in my head.

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