It's such a pathetic exercise that some team owners may never admit that they're really yelling at themselves. But, hey -- it's fantasy football. Enjoy the fantasy no matter what form it takes, even if that form is deflecting your hatred of yourself onto the players on your roster. If you hate them, you can sleep tight knowing the feeling is mutual, because ...
The Players on Your Roster Hate You, Too
NFL players hate fantasy football. It's hard to blame them. Fantasy football adds another layer of pressure to their weekly performances. Now winning games for their team, their city, and for the sake of their own careers isn't enough -- they have to be the most dominate player at their position every week to satisfy some dipshit fantasy owner with a Twitter account and an always-on caps lock button.
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Guys like this goofy prick, who are basically a walking caps lock button.
Houston Texans running back Arian Foster strained a hamstring in the 2011-2012 season, so fantasy owners gave him shit for not playing. Foster tweeted this in response: "4 those worried abt your fantasy team, u ppl are sick." Same goes for Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings, who thinks fantasy football is a "headache," and former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, whose Twitter page was flooded with angry tweets from sociopath fantasy owners after he left a game with a hip injury. Peterson is a child abuser and Rice is a woman beater, so I'm sure the tweets they're getting right now are a tad harsher in tone. They're doing very well for me in my Deplorable Scumbags fantasy league.
I stole that line from myself.
A full, tangible connection to the players on your roaster is never established. I may like and value some more than others, but ultimately they're all just names that can be swapped out for other names. Sometimes they're not even names, just stat lines. Fantasy owners dehumanize players and reduce them to numbers and then demand that the numbers be impressive every week. If that doesn't happen, well, we've already stripped the players of their humanity, so why not take to Twitter and let them know how personally disappointed we are in them by chipping away at their psyche one caps-locked letter at a time. Fantasy football takes all the terrible personality traits the Internet pulls out of people and turns them into a competition to add a nuke to the fire.
All that being said, you should totally start playing fantasy football. It's super fun!
Luis is currently setting his lineup in his all-kickers league. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.
For more from Luis, check out 8 Crazy Sports Traditions That Got Out of Control and The 5 Most Utterly Insane Games You Can Play at Work.
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