In 1986, America was crying out for entertainment. 1985 had given us The Goonies, The Breakfast Club, Back to the Future, Commando, Return of the Living Dead, and Tom Cruise's single best unicorn-themed film ever, Legend. 1986 had a lot to live up to. And sure, it gave us Aliens, Labyrinth, Stand by Me, The Fly, Top Gun, and a host of others, but they were all baked in the same oven of potential that gave us Howard the Duck. Howard the Goddamn Duck.
In the way Guardians of the Galaxy was based on a comic book few people outside of hardcore comic nerdliness have ever read, Howard the Duck was based on a comic book no one really ever read that took Donald Duck and asked, "What if this talking duck was real, surly, and had to deal with the horror and ennui of real life in a satirical and often dark and morose way?" But then the movie ignored the satire part and made it about a space duck with a personality disorder.
The resulting film asks you to accept a child-size man-duck who wants to bang Marty McFly's mother and who has to fight the pedophilic principal from Ferris Bueller. That sentence is horrifying, and your a*****e should be clenched up like an old lady gripping her purse on the bus.
"I'm just a midget in a smelly suit."
Why would a duck want to have sex with a woman anyway? How does a duck pronounce B's and P's without lips? Why don't Howard's eyes move? And why would anyone base a movie on a character with no redeeming qualities beyond the fact that he's a duck?