Back in 2011, my fellow mirthematician Soren Bowie wrote on the phenomenon of butt chugging and how utterly false it was. While I was researching this article, I found evidence that butt chugging was in fact real, and thus, by order of Cracked management, I was bidden to copulate with Soren's mother while he was in the room! His lesson learned, Soren will never write another article that dares be in direct contrast to my own work ever again.
Butt chugging is a real thing, and a Tennessee frat boy was hospitalized as a result of it, despite later holding a press conference with his lawyer to tell everyone that butt chugging is super gross and he's totally not gay, bro. So f**k off. He then later filled his a*****e with Thunderbird. I assume. Because he went to the hospital with a shitbox full of wine, and police questioned everyone on the scene who did it, too, so it's hard to argue with that. But I digress.
The idea behind the ol' butt chug is as follows -- your face hole is old and s****y. Look at it: exposed to the elements all day, smiling like a face full of f**k. Good God. Forget it. On the other hand, your precious, delicate a*****e is always nestled in cotton undies, cradled like the delicate little pucker it is, and directly connected to a stank tube that's made of 10 percent mucus, 60 percent poo, and 40 percent alcohol-hungry poop chutery. And that poop tubing of yours can absorb vodka way better and faster than anything directly connected to your lame ass face orifice. And when you think about it, you dad probably gets drunk through the face hole. People in the Dark Ages got drunk through the face hole, and those people didn't even know to not s**t in their own beds, probably. Idiots. Why would you want to live like them? You don't.