Thing #1: Religious Clarity
You know how people misquote and misrepresent the Bible all the time? I'm sure you do. You can find more than one book that exists only to point out frequently misrepresented Bible quotes, plus books that debunk those other books. Interpreting the Bible has yielded in two thriving, competing businesses. That's how prevalent it is.
Still, Jesus, divine or not, seemed to know what was right and what was wrong. He wasn't an asshole, generally speaking. If I was Jesus, and I'm old and humble enough to know now that I'm (probably) not, I'd like to think that I would be considerate enough to make just a ton of kids. I'd have kids, and I'd teach them everything I knew and I'd instruct them to have their own kids to keep the family knowledge alive forever. It would be the surest way to keep my message intact. Imagine how amazing it would be if politicians and radio commentators and talk show hosts and comedians wouldn't be able to come out and say, "Jesus meant [this]" or "Jesus meant [that]," because we'd have a legitimate source who could say, "Uh, my Dad was Jesus, and that's totally not what he meant." It may not tell us if Jesus was divine, or if Jesus was even right, but at least it would give us some freaking accuracy. It would invalidate anyone who was trying to manipulate the Bible to fit their own agenda.
Thing #2: The Bible Would Have a Really Badass Part 3
Let's say Jesus was a good guy who preached kindness and loving your neighbor and all that good stuff. And let's say he had a kid. And then let's say a bunch of people arrested Jesus and publicly crucified him. That is going to yield one seriously pissed off kid, and that is awesome to me. Because if the kid didn't decide to keep the message of kindness alive (like I mentioned in "Thing #1"), then the only alternative is that he'd spend his entire life avenging his father's death, and holy shit how much cooler would the Bible be if it had a whole extra book that was all about Lil' Hootie Jr. running around and beating the crap out of the people who murdered his father? So much cooler. You'd go to church and some days you'd hear about the Ten Commandments or the Prodigal Son or fish and bread, and some days you'd hear about the time Christ's kid straight wasted a bunch of suckers to avenge his father's death.
It's a win-win situation, because on one hand, you'd have a kid who would continue in his father's footsteps to ensure total clarity of purpose -- and on the other, you'd have a kid who dedicated his entire life to hurting the people who murdered his dad, which, yes, is exactly like an epically Biblical Batman story. I crunched the numbers on this, and the only thing better than Billionaire Batman is Jesus Batman.
"Swear to ME!"
You just can't beat it.
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's Senior Writer (ladies), and is very punctual and respectful (dads of ladies).
For more folks we hope procreated, check out 6 Soldiers Who Survived Shit That Would Kill a Terminator and 11 Celebrities Who Were Secretly Total Badasses.