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Marvin Gaye's Music Helps Animals Have Sex

NPR.com

Marvin Gaye's songs are sex -- pure sex. Every note and lyric from songs like "Let's Get It On" and "Sexual Healing" drips with the goo of sex funk. You can almost smell the friction of genitals wafting off those songs. They are the perfect soundtrack for boning the ever-loving shit out of another person, and not just for humans, either.

Marvin Gaye's music is so sexually charged that its sex-force transcends humanity and can penetrate the hearts, minds, and junk of the rest of the animal kingdom. Pandas are notoriously fickle fuckers, and their prime mating period is only about two days long. So when it came time for Tian Tian the panda at Edinburgh Zoo in Scotland to get knocked up, the zookeepers called a local radio station and requested some Marvin Gaye. The pandas showed signs of relaxation, but ultimately they didn't go through with it. Pandas suck and are incapable of feeling boners.

Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images News/Getty Images

"Goddamnit! That idiot's humping the log again!"

2

Saddam Hussein Used "I Will Always Love You" as His Campaign Song

Nationalreview.com

Apparently, Whitney Houston was a goddess to ruthlessly powerful Middle Eastern men. Osama bin Laden was supposedly obsessed with Whitney and even fantasized about marrying her. Every woman loves a guy with goals, even if those goals begin and end with "Death to America." Saddam Hussein was also a fan and used an Arabic cover of Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You" as his campaign song during his 2002 re-election.

It's not like Saddam needed a campaign song to rally the voters, or even a campaign. That election saw a 100 percent voter turnout, and all 11.4 million Iraqis voted for Saddam. That turnout means one of two things: 1) it was all a pathetically veiled sham, or 2) people really responded to Saddam's choice of campaign song and turned out in massive numbers because, hey, that murderous dictator is playing that song from The Bodyguard! Which of these levers that all say "Saddam" do I pull?

Getty Images/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Saddam listening to "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

1

Kenny G's "Going Home" Lets People in China Know It's Closing Time

Ethan Miller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Like it or not, Kenny G is one of the most popular musicians in the world. He's sold over 75 million albums worldwide, and for reasons absolutely no one understands, one of his biggest hits has become so ingrained within Chinese culture that it's inexplicably used by tons of businesses and at the end of news broadcasts as an audio cue to tell people that they need to get the hell out.

MN Chan/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"GET THE FUCK OUT."

In 1989, Kenny G released his first live album, Kenny G Live. It went triple platinum, and its opening track, "Going Home," became a huge hit in waiting rooms everywhere. But in China, the song was more than just a hit; it became an essential and ubiquitous part of life. No one knows when it began, but to this day, "Going Home" is played in libraries, gyms, and shopping malls to let people know that they don't have to go home, but they can't stay here. The day's done. Get out. It's a really relaxing security guard ushering you out the door at your own smooth jazz pace.

I could make a joke about how it's such a terrible song that of course people would flee from it if it were played on a loop for up to an hour and a half at closing time -- which is exactly what happens in some places in China -- but the truth is, people don't seem to mind it. It just is. It's a part of the fabric of a nation. And Kenny G is fully aware of it all. When he tours China, "Going Home" is his closer because, in his own words, "I don't want everyone going home early."

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
"B-but ... I haven't even played 'Going Home' yet."

It's for that reason that I've held off on embedding the song. I didn't want you to prematurely walk away from this article. I haven't even listened to it myself. I fear there might be a subliminal suggestion buried within it that makes me leave my house and walk into traffic. I don't know. I wouldn't put it past Kenny G to pull some wicked shit like that. But, seeing as this article is done, I am now proud to present Kenny G playing the tune that lets Chinese people know they need to get the fuck out.

Ladies and gentlemen, this article has ended. It's time for you to leave.

Inexplicably, Luis has the sudden urge to call it a day. You can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.