3

Opening the Microwave With Zero on the Clock, Beating the Beep

Maximkostenko/iStock/Getty Images

On most microwaves, there seems to be a faint, fleeting whisper of a moment between when the countdown hits zero and when the beep does its beepy thing. That moment is precious. It's mythical. It's an elusive beast only the brave and stupid attempt to capture. I attempt to catch it every time I use the microwave. I don't set the time and walk away -- I stand there, waiting. A good hunter fuses himself to his surroundings, knowing that moving will only degrade his shot at glory. Time slows around me, even though I'm staring at a countdown of time that is very clearly moving at the regular speed of time. My vision Instagrams -- a vintage-looking black ring circles my periphery, bringing my target into a sharp, duckfaced focus. I will beat the beep.

Most microwaveable food outside of water and popcorn isn't glorious. It's actually kind of depressing. The food always looks mopey and soggy, a little sad, like its dog just died.

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Like eating the memories you're running away from.

2

Hitting a String of Green Lights

Chromatika Multimedia/iStock/Getty

Hard work can get you far in life, but it's nothing without a little luck. Anyone who is successful and doesn't cite luck as a major factor in their success is an arrogant dick. When you're trying to beat a microwave countdown or get a USB into a slot, you're relying mostly on hard work. Luck plays a small yet crucial role. When it comes to something like, say, hitting a string of green lights while driving, there is no work. There is no effort. You are coasting on nothing but one of the purest examples of luck a person can encounter. That luck could have been used to pick the winning Powerball numbers, but you don't activate luck; it turns on whenever it wants. If it turns on while you're driving through a green light, your luck will assume it's time to give this drive some flow.

Your luck will extend its tendrils outward, far beyond the confines of your car. Those tendrils will slither around and envelop the traffic lights ahead of you, forcing them to create an ideal situation for your car's path.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Only vaguely phallic!

1

That One Special and Stupid Thing You Can Do

Voyagerix/iStock/Getty Images

All the previous entries were about the kinds of achievements most of us can experience, the shared accomplishments we can agree on. This entry is about the accomplishments we as individuals bring to the table. We all have one entirely useless thing we can achieve or have achieved that makes us puff our chests and proudly declare, "I ONCE DID A THING THAT IS IN NO WAY WORTHY OF BEING CAPS LOCKED!"

Taco Bells used to have a coin-drop game beside their registers. If you dropped a coin into a plastic tank of water and landed it on one of several little circular platforms, you'd win a taco. First time I ever tried it -- BAM! Landed on the platform -- taco. Tried it again days later -- taco. One time, as a broke high schooler, I only had some loose change, not even enough to pay for a taco. So I told my friend I could land a quarter on a platform and essentially buy a taco for a quarter -- BAM! First shot -- taco. Replace a baseball with tacos and it's my version of Babe Ruth calling his shot.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
VICTORY!

I can go even smaller yet even more impressive: I knew a guy who never had any trouble finding parking wherever he went. It was astounding. There was always a space readily available, and a good one, too. I'm talking the ones near the handicap spaces. The Presidential Suite of parking spaces. I guess he was the devil or something.

We've all got that stupid thing we're good at, and while I find it a little annoying when Internet writers end their articles by begging readers to comment and share their opinion, I'm going to do it now. I want to read about the stupid yet impressive things you've achieved. So put them in the comments. Let us all brag about things unworthy of being bragged about. Shower me with your astonishing tales of mediocrity!

The tendrils of luck have trapped Luis within an endless succession of green lights, and he fears it's turning into a horrible Twilight Zone-esque moral lesson about getting what you wish for. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.

For more odd things people can brag about, check out The 27 Most Impressively Nerdy Accomplishments.