3

Ulysses S. Grant Is Proudly Not Naked

2

Calvin Coolidge Is Sick of Having Sex With His Wife

Here is one of my favorite stories from a book that is exclusively dedicated to stories about how famous people boned. It's about Calvin Coolidge:

One day, the president and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival, they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens, she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once a day. "Dozens of times," was the reply. "Please tell that to the president," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the president passed the pens and was told about the rooster, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The president nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

New York Times Co. / Getty
Yes, that's Calvin Coolidge dressed up as a cowboy. Try to stay calm, ladies.

This idea -- the sensation of men becoming rearoused by the idea or presence of a new female -- is today named after President Coolidge. Ask any of your sexologist friends (I have six sexologist friends, two licensed and four unlicensed), and they'll tell you all about the Coolidge effect. The Coolidge effect is present in males (and some females) of almost every mammalian creature observed. You stick a rat in a cage with a willing female, and you get a sex party. Eventually, the male rat will get tired of sleeping with the same rat and lose his sex drive completely. Until, of course, a new female is introduced, which reignites the rat's sex fire, which he uses to ... burn the female rat's vagina to the ground? This fire metaphor got away from me.

Above: Relationships 101.

1

John F. Kennedy: Sex Junkie

You can't bring up the topic of presidents at your neighborhood sex party without someone mentioning John F. Kennedy. According to his friends, no one was off limits to Kennedy, including the wives, sisters and mothers of his closest friends. His list of sexual conquests includes Hollywood actresses like Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Gene Tierney, famous strippers like Blaze Starr, famous painters like Mary Pinchot Meyer and White House staffers like literally every female White House staffer. He had sex all over the White House, from the White House pool, where he regularly swam nude, to the closet of his bedroom, where he regularly put closet stuff.

Still, don't imagine any romantic ideas that JFK was a passionate, incorrigible rake whose only crime was that he loved women too much. Kennedy was less Casanova and more somewhat charming sex addict. To Kennedy, sex was like a sport, or like a Pokemon ... party? Like Pokemonning, like the act of when a person Pokemons, I'm trying to say that Kennedy just wanted to "catch all the sex." He didn't want to be good at sex, and it's possible that he didn't even enjoy it; he just needed it. He once told British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan that if he went too long without sex, he'd get severe headaches. (Three days, by the way. That's how long "too long" is in Kennedy fuck-time.)

AFP / Getty
"If this plane's a-rockin', please come a-knockin'. Because I'll be done soon and it never hurts to line up more strange."

Sex was a mechanical process for Kennedy (who reportedly said that he couldn't be satisfied unless he'd had a woman at least "three different ways"). He would rarely kiss during sex (to make sure things stayed impersonal), and the women he slept with were left, for the most part, unsatisfied. "Just in terms of the time he spent with a woman, he was a lousy lover. He went in more for quantity than quality," says former Senator George Smathers, one of Kennedy's closest friends.

"I believe this process is what you'd call Pokemonning today," he probably said later.

Presidential sex secrets got your head spinning? Don't let these past Commander-in-Chief sexcapades keep you from casting your vote. Text VSPOT to 38383 to find your nearest poll locations. Seriously - go vote! Courtesy of Virgin Mobile -- they are definitely mobile, but much like these former presidents, they're definitely not virgins.

For more from Dan, check out 3 Internal Monologues from Bad Days in Presidential History and The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time.