I hope to God you own a hamster or know someone who does, because this is the best thing I have ever seen and the entire inspiration for this article. I happened to be at the home of someone who owns a hamster, because she's an adult only in the chronological sense, and, at around 2 in the morning with nothing more pressing to do, I decided to introduce myself to the hamster and see what he was all about. Did he have hopes and dreams like the rest of us? Was he a go-getter? Did he long for a lady companion?
The hamster answered none of the questions I had, but in fairness I never got to ask them. See, in his cage, the hamster had two basic structures: a wheel and a little plastic hut shaped like a tree stump. He was in his hut at the time, sleeping, so I lifted it up to say hello. Blinking his beady little black eyes, he looked for all the world like a rat to me, but whatever -- a pet's a pet, so who am I to judge. He sat still a moment and then hastened forward to smell my finger. And that's when, out loud and to no one at all, I exclaimed, "Fuck me!"
This hamster, this little teacup-sized rodent, was dragging behind him a nutsack the likes of which I had never seen. It was monumental, elephantine. It was as though Yao Ming had become balls on a hamster and that hamster was now rollicking toward me. The poor creature seemed oblivious as his little nose twitched and his unfathomable beast of a scrotum slouched toward Bethlehem behind him.
Like this, but the presents inside are weirder.
I was in serious awe of this situation. If I had a sack on par with this hamster's, I'd be lugging around a Vietnam-era military duffel bag of man marbles. I'd be Stan's dad riding around town on my massive scrotum in that episode of South Park.
Naturally, I assumed something was amiss with my rodent buddy. He seemed ecstatic, and had there been any lady hamsters around, no doubt they would have been quite hot under the collar over his remarkably corpulent prowess. Google did not let me down -- massive hamster balls are apparently as common as sunshine in July. Dozens of people, hundreds even, had turned to the Internet in testicular panic questioning the nature of their pet's prodigious beanbag. The best answer I could find? It's just a thing that happens. In fact, they're supposed to grow bigger during springtime, because who doesn't want seasonally huge nads?
Further Googling suggested huge hamster nuts could be caused by many things, including: cancer; it's just a thing that happens when they wake up, like the rodent equivalent of morning breath; an overabundance of hamster man-juice; the hamster's balls are so hot they're dropping away from his body to cool off (incidentally, this also came with the advice to put a dinner plate in the freezer for a while, then take it out and drop your hamster's beef chips onto it to cool them off. I dare anyone to actually do that).
So why do hamster balls grow to gargantuan proportions? I haven't the faintest idea; the Internet is full of unscientific bullshit from hamster-nugget aficionados, nothing much from actual animal experts or veterinarians. But I do know it happens enough that if you get a hamster, odds are it's going to have a huge sack dragging behind it at some point, so get ready for that.
For more from Felix, check out 7 of the Worst Choices Ever Made While High and 5 Disgusting Habits Everyone Has (When No One's Looking).