Your butthole is one of the few things on your body that requires almost no pampering. Well, literal pampering up to a certain age, but pampering in the sense of going the extra mile to take care of it, showing it love and attention. For example, when fine oil is rubbed on a butthole, it's not to make the butthole feel luxurious or youthful; it's to prepare it for a much more intense experience to come.
They're tough. They can handle a lot. They're the crazy old coot down the block who shuns any hoity-toity, highfalutin modern convenience and luxury. Life's been tough to buttholes, and that's the way they like it. That's why wiping your ass with toilet paper embossed with a 24-carat gold motif is so very stupid.
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Firstly, the word "motif" should be nowhere near a butthole, even when using "motif's" second definition of "a distinctive feature or dominant idea in an artistic or literary composition." You shouldn't be creating art or literature on the subject of buttholes. That's how you get made fun of.
Secondly, and on the subject of wiping away poop with gold: what the fuck, man? Let's put aside the obvious message people who spend $240 for a single roll of toilet paper embossed with gold are sending: "I literally wipe my ass with money." That's a given. What I find even more bizarre, and even offensive, is that the gold-embossed motif is customizable. The need for a human to have a toilet paper they can call their own, a toilet paper unique to them, with their own insignia that only their butthole will be able to truly appreciate, is a bit much. Buttholes don't want luxury rubbed in their faces a couple of times a day. Your butthole is a no-frills Virginia coal miner who just wants a beer after work, a steak for dinner, and two uninterrupted hours of TV every night. If it wanted fancy, it would shit in an Applebee's.
It's a body part of simple, unsophisticated pleasures. Don't give it golden toilet paper crafted by a German ass-paper artisan; give it some two-ply, a wet wipe, and a hemorrhoid donut, and it's the happiest part of your body. Wiping your asshole with gold-embossed toilet paper basically creates a body-swap movie plot: your asshole becomes the mature voice of reason standing firmly against lunacy, and you become the asshole who wants to wipe away feces with gold.
Luis is gold-plating his plunger. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.
For more from Luis, check out 4 Everyday Activities that Are Way Scarier than You Expect and 4 Incredible Modern Technologies That Have Lost Their Luster.
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