The 4 Craziest Holiday Episodes of '80s Cartoons

The Pac-Man cartoon was made by Hanna-Barbera, which means that Christmas Comes to Pac-Land had lazier animation than stop motion of a sloth's decomposition. The only characters that look halfway decent are the ghosts, because they're meant to wobble wildly from shot to shot. The script was a bitter idiot proving that he could still hate video games despite knowing nothing about them. The whole thing sounds like someone being sarcastic to children they despise and looks like it was animated by people who didn't understand that many emotions.

Hanna-Barbera
Including "hatred of child characters in cartoons."

Hanna-Barbera knows less about enjoying video games than Martin Luther. It's so aggressively anti-Pac-Man that even his house didn't have straight edges. At one point they cut out to a top-down view of the ghosts chasing Pac-Man, and do so in big sweeping curves instead of taking the one and only and obvious chance to look like the game. Only one member of the staff had ever even seen a picture of a maze, and he's still lost in it. When the writer of this trash was told "Pac-Man," he started cleaning out his desk, and no one noticed that he was missing.

Hanna-Barbera
This is what they think Pac-Man being chased looks like.

The Walking Dead is a better Pac-Man cartoon than Christmas Comes to Pac-Land -- at least the prison episodes had straight hallways with sharp turns, and some characters were trying to eat the others. It's also a better kids' show, because the entire third act is Pac-Man dragging a sack of toys through the freezing cold and trying not to die. You'd swear that the staff were channeling their own feelings about finishing this stupid project.

Hanna-Barbera
Thanks, cartoon, I really wanted an upskirt of Santa Claus.

The series even ruined other cartoons by featuring voice actor Peter Cullen. We always technically knew that people only worked on these cartoons for money, but listening to Optimus Prime make Santa say "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good CHOMP"? That's like finding out that the magical night when your mommy met your daddy was for $10 and only resulted in you because she was too drunk to turn over.

The Smurfs' Christmas Special was appalling, and not just because they sing the goddamn theme song twice before anything even happens. (Note: Smurf singing should be higher on the fictional Geneva Conventions than Borg assimilation.) A pair of children are lost in the woods, and their very existence turns the entire series creepy. We see that the Smurf village and Gargamel's hovel aren't even 10 minutes from the local town, which means that Gargamel isn't an evil wizard out to plague a magical race of beings: He's a homeless man shivering in an abandoned ruin and nobody gives a shit about him. And even on Christmas day, everyone is perfectly content with the crazy old man dying alone.

Hanna-Barbera
"Why won't anyone help me?"

It explains everything -- his ragged robes, how he's constantly talking to his cat, and all those "magic potions" he's brewing? That's how my subconscious would deal with drinking cooking wine and lighter fluid, too. Gargamel is constantly tormented by beings no one else can even see, and society's mental health plan is "just hope his killing urges stay targeted on imaginary things."

Hanna-Barbera
Those "magic symbols" are clearly smeared in his own fluids.

Oh, and in this episode he gets into child slavery and sells his soul to Satan.

Hanna-Barbera
Simultaneously.

It doesn't go well.

Hanna-Barbera
Pictured: not well.

The episode ends with the No. 2 Worst Ever Way to End a Christmas Episode: deus ex cantates. They defeat the devil by singing at him. It's even worse and lazier than when the Care Bears do it, because at least the bears care enough to use more than one color.

Filmation
This is how animators dare people to fire them.

They just sing at the bad guy and he fades away. That is not how carol singing vs. flamethrower fights normally go (just ask my parole officer). The Smurfs are just so good and defenseless that everything works out for them. Which is an even worse lesson for kids than "Men who sneak into your house at night are there to give you nice things."

A 1/20 scale Cobra army attacks G.I. Joe. Because that works so well, even at full size.

Sunbow Productions
Teddy bears with twice the combat ability of Cobra. Even more, now that Cobra is shrunk.

Luckily they target Mutt. In an organization where everyone has at least one laser-equipped jet pack/snowmobile, his combat specialty is "owns a dog." This lets them take out the security system, get re-enlarged, and capture the Joes, and the rest of the episode is standard issue "Cobra Commander has a cunning plan, Cobra Commander screws it up."

Sunbow Productions
I'm afraid this is exactly what it looks like.

Sunbow Productions
I'm afraid of this, even though it isn't. Although it says a lot that Shipwreck chose the beef instead of Cover Girl.

Then G.I. Joe kick ass by dealing with the mandatory Christmas lesson the same way they deal with everything else: shooting it as quickly as possible. The Yuletide angle is Mutt feeling down during Christmas dinner because his parents never had time for him during the holidays. He is then immediately shot in the face by miniature fighter jets. That's what Hasbro thinks of character development. And as if to apologize for the whining, Roadblock immediately gun-butts a jet out of the air.

Sunbow Productions
"I don't care if you crackers fly quick, your whole plane ain't as big as my-"

Even a miniature Major Bludd can't give little enough of a damn about Mutt's unhappy feelings. They receive no development. No moral lesson. The rest of the episode is escaping (and detonating) Cobra's plot on Christmas day. Then, standing in the smoldering wreckage, Mutt suddenly admits that maybe this Christmas thing isn't so bad. It's awesome. He's not healed by the giving spirit, unless you count giving bullets to the bad guys until they explode and he feels better. He even misses the irony of how he got over his busy parents by working through Christmas day, just like them, continuing the tragic cycle.

Sunbow Productions
And unless Junkyard has puppies, the cycle ends here.

All this despite Etheria being so close that you can swing by for a birthday party. And then the Christmas special makes it so much worse. Orko accidentally ends up on Earth, so Man-at-Arms immediately uses his "Finder Ray" to locate him, then sends She-Ra back to Etheria to get a crystal for his instantaneous Transporter Beam. "Hey, Princess, sorry for leaving you in serfdom your entire life. But the instant our talking fart cushion disappears, we instantly locate him, then send you back to the world of your own slavery like it was the corner shop to pick up magic batteries."

Filmation
"Then stand in the corner and be our Christmas tree."

The rest of the episode is the No. 1 Worst Christmas Solution Strategy: Skeletor is overcome by Christmas spirit and saves the day. Despite only having heard of it 10 minutes ago. Which means that they could have pulled this any day and it would have worked. The next time Skeletor's about to capture Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress should shout, "Wait, Skeletor, for 'tis the season of Zorbleth, the Qwaxnar of Knobend!" Skeletor is immediately swayed by the Earth children, even though they look like they were born under Earth power lines.

All I want for Christmas are my two missing chromosomes.

He even magics them up some winter gear when they're freezing to death on a mountainside.

Filmation
Of course a man who dresses like that doesn't feel the cold.

Then they all laugh as he keeps yelling at the puppy to stop licking his face. Yeah, laugh it up, kids -- a dog happily slurping at your face is a different story when your face is made of bones.

Filmation
Skeletor spent Boxing Day playing fetch with his own jaw.

Luke also explains how Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie ever made and watches the Crysis 3 series. Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.