James follows Lizzy, and she yells at him, too. If they don't start making out soon, I'm going to have to seriously revise my Christmas Ranch erotic fanfic, Christmas Raunch. Then Lizzy cries about how she wants to leave and wishes she had never come here, even though she was ready to declare war on the very concept of banking five minutes ago. James calls her on her bullshit, to which Lizzy responds by screaming at him to leave. James finally realizes that he's too good for these people and leaves to start a glue factory, I hope.
Lazy Grandma and Ingrate Granddaughter argue about what to do. Grandma floats the option of selling Hope, but Lizzy yells that she doesn't want anyone else to have a horse that she doesn't own. I pray to my upstairs neighbor for Julia to show up and explain to these assholes how to solve a goddamn problem.
Instead, Lizzy gets an idea -- let's turn the ranch into a Christmas market! Uh, OK! Man, if the screenwriter pulled something out of his ass any harder he'd disembowel himself. Lizzy starts by calling her parents and demanding they come over, then immediately hangs up on them. This means the return of Suicidal Dad! Let's look at his face when he learns that his mother might lose her home and livelihood.
James shows up to help because he's trapped in the cycle of abuse, and between a handful of his carved wooden horses and some random new character's fruits and vegetables, there's, well, there's no goddamn way they're raising 3,500 bucks. But they have Hope as the star attraction! People will come from miles around and pay all sorts of money to see a horse!
So maaaybe 40 people show up ...
... and somehow they buy enough massively overpriced eggplants to cover "a few months of payments." That's enough time to cover Hope's training for shows! Yay! Everyone hug! Except for you, James, no one wants to touch you. It's OK, man. They don't deserve that honor.
Lizzy asks to keep living with Grandma for a bit, and we close with Grandma literally spelling out the message that hope is important. You just have to believe in the power of a bunch of new characters showing up to give you money. Oh, and something about horses, and also God helped.
So, a Christmas miracle saves the day ... except Lizzy is still having serious academic problems and emotional issues, and there's no way the performance of a single inexperienced horse in a sport where payouts are unreliable will permanently solve Grandma's money problems, especially if she refuses to re-evaluate her lifestyle. In other words, Christmas briefly helps everyone continue to ignore problems that are going to be all the more pressing in the coming year. Huh, this is secretly the most accurate Christmas movie ever made. Happy holidays, everyone!
Mark is on Twitter and has an inspirational book.
Let's Scrooge things up some more in 4 Christmas Movies That Get More Praise Than They Deserve and 5 Christmas Movies You Never Realized Had Insane Messages.
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