The fight scene is the single most important and meaningful expression in cinema. Without it, the inspirational montage would not exist, "I know karate" would not be the playground's Neutron Bomb, and Rocky would just be another mentally diminished meathead from Philadelphia (which is like being a teardrop in an ocean of sadness). But while nobody can dispute the value of the fight scene, the great tragedy is that the best are not always the brightest: Here are the most epic fight scenes in the history of film... that you've never seen:
"AGH!" "BLARK!" "YEAAAOWWW!" "JACKIE GET THE HEATPACK IT HAPPENED AGAIN!" Adam Lambert, again forgetting that knives must be pointed into things, repeatedly tries to woo the world's most dedicated car salesman by presenting him with the gift of blades; he heartbreakingly refuses. Suddenly--sporting a denim camel-toe so prominent that, according to SAG contracts, it's technically credited as a speaking part--a woman enters the fray! See?! This just proves that women are really strong, powerful warriors who are every bit as effective as a- wait, scratch that. She proceeds to hit professor Lambert with a towel; the only weapon actually designed for comforting. But lo! Tragedy strikes! Professor Lambert, moving so carefully and purposefully towards the coat-rack that it seems like he's intentionally trying to hang his vision up to dry, stumbles over and gouges his own eye out on a coat-hook! Nobody seems quite sure how to react to this, which leads me to believe that this wasn't even in the script; it was just another case of "all fun and games" until the inevitable happened. Professor Idol strikes out in fear and anger and, ever the troopers, the other actors nervously play along. A lot of awkward groping and backpain later, and then lightning strikes twice: Professor Lambert spazzes into another eye gouge! Holy shit! It's the eyeball holocaust! The Aftermath:
Like all great cinema, a fight scene should leave some things unsaid. When all is said and done, you should exit the experience with more questions than answers--mentally turning over the events in your head until you arrive at an interpretation that is wholly your own. In some small way, this knowledge changes a person, and that change is the soul of art. And if that is indeed the definition of art, then Undefeatable is truly a masterpiece: Because somewhere around the time a man is hauled away by his eye-holes to get his brain dry-cleaned, you realize that you will never be the same again. If nothing else, you'll always remember to wear appropriate eye-protection when visiting the Science Butcher.
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