Here are the 20 most popular Cracked columns from the last year!
By Ian Fortey
On Bird Box: These are physical beings capable of communication. So why not slip that goddamn blindfold off Sandra's face? Why not smash some windows when everyone is in a house? Why not knock on the door and pull the ol' "Free pizza!" scam? And when the survivors are in a car going to the grocery store, why do the creatures leave them alone after a few minutes?
By Andrew McRae
When Kemper was through with his "work," he drove to Pueblo Colorado and, having heard nothing on the radio about the murders, called the Santa Cruz police to turn himself in. Of course, the cops knew better. Their ol' buddy Ed couldn't possibly be the killer. What a joker. Click. Dial tone. The only thing that prevented any future victims is that instead of simply continuing his murder spree, Kemper persisted, calling back several hours later (this time asking to talk to an officer he personally knew).
Maybe you've never seen it, or maybe you haven't seen it in decades, but this movie contains more darkness per square inch than a baby's foot found in the Arby's new Smokehouse Brisket sandwich. Prepare yourself, citizen of a broken world, for a journey into Revenge Of The Nerds.
By Ryan Menezes
First of all, the Ivy League is just a sports conference, rather than a council of elite wizarding schools. As for whether they give the best education, there's no direct way to measure that. Grades are useless (it's actually easier to get A's in Ivy colleges than elsewhere, thanks to grade inflation), and it's not like colleges nationwide give all outgoing students standardized tests. We do assume the Ivy League has the best professors, but they're actually just the best-paid. By that logic, Tom Cruise should've won every Best Actor Oscar from 1986 until forever.
By Ian Fortey
His feed continually spawns headlines like "Game Show Host Chuck Woolery Accused of Anti-Semitism After Karl Marx Vladimir Lenin Comments on Twitter." He uses his platform to decry the evils of Obama, vaunt the genius of Donald Trump, and talk about how Islam is "gonna get us all killed." If you're wondering what an elderly man who made millions doing what seems like a fairly easy job has to be angry about, good question! If you figure that out, you'll figure out America.
By Lydia Bugg
The Food Network website has a recipe for an edible candle that is somehow both not really edible and not really a candle. The ingredients are "cheese, nuts, and a little imagination" (a pecan serves as the wick). So it's edible if you want to eat a giant hunk of raw Velveeta or burnt pecans, and it's a candle if you like the smell of burnt pecans. This actually sounds like it might smell good, but please let me assure you it does not.
By Lydia Bugg
So, thanks at least partly to Lord Byron, we landed on qualities like sad, cynical, and violent -- the dark and brooding type. Honestly, if I had to date a guy from an era when society had just decided women were more people than property, I can see where "hates people" and "leaves me alone" might be desirable qualities in a life partner. So on top of everything else, there's a sort of a chicken and egg problem here. Do we write teenage boys as creepy because girls like that? Or do girls like creepy guys because we've been telling them to since the 1800s?
By Kate Lucey
Do men ever get called feisty? Or fiery? Nope, this is a term exclusively reserved for aggressive house cats and women who have dared to speak up about something they care about. It's a patronizing word by default; there's no way to use it that actually signals respect. If one side in a war referred to the other side's army as "feisty," it means only that they think they'll have an amusing time crushing them.
By Eirik Gumeny
Of course, working while sick also extends the duration of your illness, often by weeks, and that's if it doesn't straight up make it worse. After all, work creates stress, and stress weakens the immune system, which you might recognize as that thing you need to fight off viruses and infections. More than that, working while sick actually drags down your opinion of your job in the long run, exhausting you emotionally and putting you at risk for future cardiovascular disease, anxiety, depression, and burnout.
By Ryan Menezes
Besides general supervision, the DOD demanded a specific change from Jon Favreau's original script. An officer, maybe Rhodey, said people would "kill themselves for the opportunities he has." The DOD said that line had to go because they didn't want any reference to soldier suicide, which is kind of a thorny subject with them (even though, you'll note, that line wasn't about soldier suicide).
By William Kuechenberg
A little additional research found that hiding in the HTML of lakecityquietpills.com was what scientists refer to as "some extremely weird-ass shit." Some examples:
-- Immediate need! 8-10 chinese/korean. Fluent korean/dialect/accent details after contact. 12 week halfpay sequester on refusal.
-- two ground types. Fluent farsi arabic french. no papers, no problems
-- Need formed group (8-10). single op. deliv bonus. "gentleman's agreement" insurance. Immediate need.
People quickly noted that this all sounds like Craigslist for extra-governmental militaristic work.
I don't exactly hate strangers, but small talk with a "people person" is like condom-less sex with a beehive -- it's a lot of discomfort just to make some sweet pest happy. I don't make a secret of this, so the majority of non-assholes can sense I'm not the guy who's going to care about the climate they're used to or the best burger in Cedar Rapids. That all changed when I had a baby.
By Greg Stacy
Before indoor plumbing was widely adopted, it was routine for people to chuck their muck out the windows of their homes. Legends say that in the 12th century, France's King Phillipe Auguste was unlucky enough to get pelted with a flying turd, so he wisely decreed that people had to holler a warning before they flung their dung. From then on, it became routine to cry out Prenez garde a l'eau! (or "Beware of the water!"), which eventually became "Gardyloo!" in Britain. If you were down in the street and heard somebody yell "Gardyloo!" you'd yell back "Hold your hand!" and pray they heard you before it was too late.
By Jason "David Wong" Pargin
In 1991, 54% of high schoolers said they'd had sex, while today it's just 40%. In the previous generation, only 5% said they remained virgins into adulthood, and now it's 15%. Sex frequency has dropped 13% among adults ... you get the idea. This is all happening in an era when casual hookups are supposedly less stigmatized than ever. I don't think people appreciate how weird this is -- the more comfortable we are talking and thinking about sex, the less we actually want to do it.
By Jason "David Wong" Pargin
Churchgoing Americans are more likely to support torture. And the churchier we are, the more we support it. Among those who attend church weekly, 54% say the use of torture against terror suspects is "often" or "sometimes" justified. That jumps to 60% for white Evangelicals. "Hold on," you might be saying, "isn't these Evangelicals' entire religion based on a Middle Eastern man being wrongly tortured to death by the state?'"Sure, but if we start digging into the process that got us from there to here, we'll be at it all day.
By Chris Pauls
So there's a Wakanda the world knows about, but that's Fake Wakanda. We see in both Black Panther and Infinity War that the technologically advanced real Wakanda is hidden behind a hologram. Thus the question becomes: What does the decoy Wakanda the world knows about look like, and who the hell lives there? Wakandans, sure, but are they citizens of the actual Wakanda who either volunteered or, god forbid, were conscripted to leave technological luxury and start roughing it Amish-style just to keep up appearances?
By Ian Fortey
When describing their crimes, criminals with psychopathic tendencies had a noted habit of focusing on details like what exactly they ate the day of their crime. See, in the mind of a psychopathic criminal, it's very likely that the meal was more significant. It provided a physical need and was more memorable than the person they may have turned into a skin suit. The other convicts would talk more about social and emotional elements like family and religion -- you know, the things most people fall back on during a life-ruining event. But if your brain is incapable of processing those concepts, well, all you have left are the tacos you had for lunch.
By S Peter Davis
The weirdest and most underrated effect of unrealistic cultural beauty standards is that to certain guys, average-looking women just become invisible. So much of the worst male behavior will start to make sense once you realize this. Those women are there, in the same way that background extras exist in a movie. They just don't register as people. Their opinions don't matter, their feelings don't matter, their attraction doesn't matter.
At one point, Ra's al Ghul dresses a whole room full of grown men like ninjas and screams, "You must BECOME AN IDEA!" while jumping out and swinging a sword at Bruce's head. That's not only a risky way to teach a student how to avoid a beheading, but also completely meaningless unless that student is hoping to become a Batman -- which in this context is some ludicrous thing no one has invented yet. If he attacked while yelling, "Diaper cream is only inedible to cowards, Jeff!" it would be less crazy.
By Amanda Mannen
There's a reason everyone was making fun of the announcement of an all-female Lord Of The Flies. It's not that women are better people; we're just bad people in such different ways, for such different reasons, that it's going to be a completely different story. One could almost suggest that they maybe should just make an original story instead. Hey, did you know what the highest-grossing female-led movies of the 2010s all have in common? They star characters who were originally conceived as women.
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