Editor's Note: The VP debate didn’t really go as anyone planned. Sarah Palin didn’t fall flat on her face, and Joe Biden didn’t appear to open his eyes over the course of the entire evening. Last night didn’t go as planned for our columnists either. They still got blind drunk, as is their custom on days of the week after Monday. But we made them get drunk at home, and in front of the most hotly anticipated Vice Presidential debate in history. The full results can be found here, but we've plucked some of their most insightful comments on some of the moments everyone’s talking about today, as well as some sexually charged moments you might have missed.
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On Sarah Palin's Opening Remarks on Their Plan to Fix the Economy
8:10 PMRoss Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
8:10 PMMichael Swaim - He's hanging out at my place. He's now Joe Fourpack.
8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "If I'm Vice President, I'm gonna stop corruption...Just seems like a no-brainer."
8:10 PMMichael Swaim - And he's pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime."
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First Impressions of Biden
8:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - What's wrong with his eyes? They look like coin slots.
8:11 PMDan O'Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden's eyes.
8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN'S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
8:12 PMMichael Swaim - I think you're underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
8:16 PMDan O'Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don't think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
8:17 PMDan O'Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don't think I'd be surprised.
Biden Could Write For Cracked
9:01 PMRoss Wolinsky -Did Biden just say Dick Lugar? That is the baddest assest name ever.
9:01 PMMichael Swaim - It's also a pretty decent birth control device.
9:02 PMDan O'Brien - There's a guy named Dick Lugar?
9:02 PMDan O'Brien - I want to vote for that guy
9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Cock Tommy Gun?
9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Penis Kalazhnikov?
9:04 PMDan O'Brien - You know, it seems like you guys have this covered, I’m just gonna go ahead and watch Hangin’ with Mr Cooper on ION
On Biden's Appearance
9:02 PMDan O'Brien - Did they not comb Biden's hair?
9:02 PMDan O'Brien - They knew this was being filmed, right?
9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - His hairs are mavericks.
9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - They don't fall in line.
Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part I
8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Okay, I've started a new drinking game.
8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O'Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
8:57 PMMichael Swaim -Hey, you think Joe Sixpack can pronounce the names of foreign dictators? Hell no.
8:58 PMMichael Swaim -He's too busy playing "America the Beautiful" on a fife.
8:58 PMRoss Wolinsky -Joe Sixpack is mowin' the lawn right now.
8:58 PMMichael Swaim -on a hot summer's day, while his wife makes some chilled lemonade, somewhere in anytown, USA.
8:59 PMMichael Swaim -Now the people from the bank are coming to tell him his house has been foreclosed on.
8:59 PMMichael Swaim -Now he's slipping the shotgun barrels into his mouth, and weeping a single tear…
8:59 PMDan O'Brien -Doesn't Sarah think it's weird that everyone else is saying "Nuclear"?
Flashbacks to 2004
9:03 PMMichael Swaim -That’s right. He changed his opinion. FUCK HIM.
9:04 PMDan O’Brien -Joe Sixpack feels the same about all issues as he did when he was eight and first formed opinions.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim -I can never get over “waffling” being such a terrible thing. Is it better to stay the course ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT?
9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky -I hate people who assess situations and change their minds based on new data.
9:04 PMDan O’Brien -I love waffles.
Palin's Matter of Fact Claim that John McCain Knows How to Win Wars
9:06 PMDan O’Brien -John McCain knows how to win a war?
9:07 PMDan O’Brien -What war did McCain win?
9:07 PMMichael Swaim -The Franco-Prussion war.
Dan Realizes Something Shocking
9:17 PMDan O’Brien -She’s running for Vice President?
9:17 PMDan O’Brien -WHOA
9:17 PMMichael Swaim -No, she’s running for President, but she has to wait eight months if she wins.
Biden Describes His Flaw and Has an Emotional Moment
9:20 PMMichael Swaim -My flaw is that sometimes I love TOO much.
9:20 PMMichael Swaim -like, you know, rape.
9:20 PMDan O’Brien -My flaw has been considered to be too much by most women.
9:21 PMDan O’Brien -They’re like “Oh my GOD, that flaw is terrifying.”
9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky -I love too quickly. That could be a flaw.
9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky -Unless you have somewhere you need to go.
Sarah Palin's Kid's Names
9:23 PMRoss Wolinsky -Who’s Moose? Is that one of her kids?
9:23 PMDan O’Brien -No, her kids are Bagel, Trat and Sauron.
9:23 PMMichael Swaim -I thought it was Odin, Brussels and Camembert.
9:24 PMDan O’Brien -Pooter, Stank and Obermeyer.
9:24 PMMichael Swaim -Conklin, Calculon, and Wankle
9:25 PMRoss Wolinsky -Is it too late for me to say Bunting, Cattleprod and Slaw?
9:25 PMMichael Swaim -Only if I can mention Whipple, Shank, and Samsung.
9:26 PMMichael Swaim -Crankshaft, Spaulding and Gex.
9:27 PMDan O’Brien -Dripspat, Dooper and Strunt.
9:27 PMRoss Wolinsky -Bunker, Tallywacker and Tubes.
Why We're Glad Sarah Palin Isn't a Cracked Intern Part III
8:58 PMDan O'Brien -Sarah, I've seen pictures of your snowmobile stupid husband. He doesn't look like he can massage your feet worth a damn. I can. I'm that guy. I have OILS, Sarah Palin, DESIGNED to make you orgasm through your feet.
8:59 PMDan O'Brien -You'll be cleaning out lady goo from between your toes for WEEKS.
The Most Important Question of the Evening
8:35 PMDan O'Brien -Are there any commercials in this fucking thing or what?
Find the full live blog here. Also, we'll be doing more events even liver and drunker than this. Click here to to find out about any events we're planning in the future.