16

French Montana Doesn't Understand Astronomy

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15

Lloyd Banks Envisions An Insane Jaws Prequel

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14

Rick Ross Is A Piece Of Shit

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The Lyrics:

"Trayvon Martin, I'm never missing my target."

The Problem:

On the one hand, this sounds exactly like something a former corrections officer would say, so shout out to Rick for staying true to his self in that regard. Beyond that, there's way too much wrong about this line to even begin to dig into all of it in this column. For now, all you really need to know is that Rick Ross is an awful goddamn person.

13

Chief Keef Will Fuck Your Mom (On Every Song)

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12

Kanye West Needlessly Disses A Quality Vehicle

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The Lyrics:

"What you think I rap for, to push a fuckin' RAV4?"

The Problem:

Well just where in the hell is this animosity coming from, Mr. West? I'll have you know a lot of hardworking Americans drive Toyotas of all sorts, including the RAV4. Was a RAV4 involved in that famous accident that nearly derailed your career? Did a RAV4 cast the deciding vote when Taylor Swift won that VMA over Beyonce? For years now, I've wondered exactly what Kanye's beef with mid-sized SUVs might be, and I've yet to come up with a single worthwhile explanation.

11

Young Dro Questions Your Familiarity With Dog Meat

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The Lyrics:

"What you know 'bout shark meat, perch, and tilapia? ... Alligator, dog meat, caviar, we mafia."

The Problem:

Well, right off the bat, let's address the most obvious issue with these lyrics. He's right, I don't know shit about shark meat. As a land-based mammal, I don't "fucks wit" the ocean, as the kids like to yolo these days. Sure, I could buy shark meat and cook it on the grill, but I'm not 100 percent convinced that sharks won't develop ground attack abilities someday, so I abstain from eating them so that I'll look more like an ally if and when that day arrives.

Right, there's also that part about dog meat. I've listened to this song approximately 750 times trying to convince myself that I don't hear what I think I hear, and not once have I come away from it convinced that not only does Young Dro know what dog meat tastes like, but also that it must be quite damn delicious if he's willing to go public with his love for it. Or maybe he's saying he feeds alligator meat to his dogs? Do his dogs really give a shit about that kind of thing? Wouldn't they be just as happy with cow meat, like normal dogs? These are my questions. I need them answered.

10

What the Fuck Is LL Cool J Saying?

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The Lyrics:

"Milky, and I'm back. My ace in the hole was this brand-new track."

The Problem:

Why in the fuck does this song start with LL Cool J yelling the word "milky" at the top of his lungs? Why? WHY??? I've listened to rap music for a lot of years, and this questioned has plagued me for every single one of them. Yes, before you ask, I did consult Genius.com for clues. They offer absolutely nothing in the way of an explanation. Even more bothersome is the fact that LL did shit like this more than once throughout his career. Remember his verse on Craig Mack's "Flava In Ya Ear" remix? If not, I'd like to remind you that it starts like this:

"Hee-shee, uh blowticious / Skeevee, delicious"

What the hell did he just say to me? At least "milky" is an actual word. Granted, it's a batshit bizarre way to start a diss track, or any song, for that matter. But still, at least it's a word.

9

Remember When Jay Z Shit On The Institution Of Marriage?

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The Lyrics:

"Me give my heart to a woman? Not for nothin', never happen I'll be forever mackin'"

The Problem:

I don't think a rapper has gone back on a promise this hard on record since Dr. Dre swore he'd never smoke weed on "Express Yourself" by N.W.A. Time proved that Jay Z very much would give his heart to a woman. Maybe he'd cheat on that woman someday. Maybe she'd record an entire album about it, threatening to leave him for all the world to hear. Maybe he'd release it as an exclusive on the streaming music service he owns. Maybe Jay Z was wrong. "Big Pimpin'" was still a pretty great song, though.

8

Pitbull Thinks You Still Carry a Camera

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7

Wait ... So Then Where Is Lil Wayne's Head?

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The Lyrics:

"Fuck Pusha T and anybody that love him / His head up his ass, I'mma have to headbutt him"

The Problem:

Before we get into the questions and problems portion of this entry, let's take a moment to acknowledge that as far as opening lines of diss songs go, "Fuck Pusha T and anybody that love him" is about as perfect as it gets. Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse almost immediately after that deceptively strong start. The issue lies in Wayne's insistence that his rival's head is so far up his own ass that the only reasonable next step is to headbutt him. I'm no professional wrestler, but wouldn't a move like that require that Lil Wayne's head also be inside the aforementioned ass? What makes this taunt an especially poor choice is that a lot of the beef between these two centers around the idea that Lil Wayne ripped off his style from Pusha T and The Clipse. Their single "Mr. Me Too" is thought to be a reference to this belief. So was Wayne's head already up there when Pusha T decided to join him?

6

Busta Rhymes Lives A Horror Movie, Considers It A Win

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The Lyrics:

"Rock to the beat and then, turn into a walrus / You remain nameless, my victory remains flawless."

The Problem:

Is that "turn into a walrus" part permanent? If so, I think you'll have a tough time convincing anyone that this situation merits being described as a victory. Maybe if you were a huge pile of trash before and then magically transformed into a walrus, we could talk improvement, but going from Busta Rhymes to one of the sea's most immobile creatures strikes me as a huge step down. There's actually a horror movie with this exact premise. It's called Tusk, and it's completely fucking stupid, but that doesn't change the fact that most normal people consider the prospect of turning into a walrus to be a full-fledged nightmare.

5

Future Is Apparently Bulletproof

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4

Noreaga Paints Himself Into A Corner

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The Lyrics:

"You like 37, let's give it up man."

The Problem:

To give you some background, this line is taken from a diss track Noreaga wrote about his former music business mentor, a rapper named Tragedy Khadafi. There was somewhat of an age difference between the two, so what's happening here is the younger half of the quarrel telling the older half that, at the age of 37, it's time to think about giving up on trying to be a rapper.

Well, fast-forward a decade or so later, and guess who's 38 and still rapping? Even better, his most recent album has a title perfectly befitting a dude who thinks a person should be done having fun by their late 30s.

Fine, maybe some people should quit rapping in their 30s.

3

Cam'Ron Implies He's A Pedophile

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The Lyrics:

"Take your daughter, R. Kelly, have my way with her face."

The Problem:

This line was said in reference to the daughter of rival rapper Nas. Gross, dude. Just gross. There are low blows, and then there's vowing to piss in a child's face for sexual pleasure. Can you imagine the backlash and protests a line like this would've caused had it been said by someone who still has a career? At least we dodged a bullet in that respect.

2

2 Chainz Takes His Slang Too Far

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1

Fred Durst Briefly Forgets Who He Is

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