14

Aladdin

Walt Disney Pictures

A huge camel Eaton plays dirty with Aladdin.

I can't even think of the scene this maniac is struggling to reference. It's like they typed up an excerpt from their dream journal by mistake.

Also, Jasmine's father says "Praise Allah!" when they're talking about her getting married.

This is listed under "Frightening/Intense Scenes."

13

Tango & Cash

Warner Bros.

Tango and Cash are seen naked from behind walking into a shower.

Sexual Frustration Bot's processors were simply not built to endure such a powerful sensory overload as the combined nude mountain ranges of 1980s Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell. He is politely warning us of dude butts in advance, so that we do not suffer the same fate.

Warner Bros.
"SAVE YOURSELVES."

12

The Three Musketeers

Walt Disney Pictures

First things first -- there are a whole lot of women in The Three Musketeers, and apparently almost all of them have breasts:

One long cleavage shot. The heroes have women falling all over them and most of the women are [about] to fall out of their costumes -- lots of heaving bosoms.

Walt Disney Pictures
"What was that? I couldn't hear you over all the heaving bosoms."

A woman takes a bath and appears nudes from the waist up, we see her bare back.

But don't you try to grab those breasts. They don't belong to you:

A man tries to grope a woman who pulls a knife on him, placing it at his private area.

In the background of all those heaving bosoms are a whole bunch of people getting horrifically murdered:

A man is whipped and then stabbed.

Several men are crushed by a falling chandelier.

The dungeon scenes are pretty intense with a man getting killed by spikes.

Walt Disney Pictures
"... wait, what happened to the bosoms?"

11

Predator 2

20th Century Fox

Some time-paradoxical calculotron sat down to record every single utterance of the word "fuck" in Predator 2, but hit their data ceiling at "around 69" and stopped counting:

Around 69 f-words (possibly more). A few s-word. Lots of other swearing as well.

They do allow for the possibility of more F-words, but you can go punch yourself in the motherfucking face if you think they're going to count any further than that.

20th Century Fox
"There's probably like two or three 'fucks' here, right? Let's say three."

10

Ichi the Killer

Media Blasters

I will be the first to admit that children have no business watching Ichi the Killer. The Parents Guide doesn't really need to go any further than this sentence:

A woman has her nipples and labia cut off, these are seen being pulled by a clamp briefly.

If you are a parent and you need more information than that before deciding whether or not to add Ichi the Killer to the Family Movie Night rotation, you are doing it wrong. But the heroes of the IMDb Parents Guide don't want to take that chance, so they detail several more examples of the movie's objectionable material to help inform your decision (be warned -- there is no line of decency that Ichi the Killer won't cross):

Men are seen topless.

Yep. Good luck trying to explain that scene to your children, if you can manage to get them to stop crying for long enough.

9

The Monster Squad

TriStar Pictures

Most of the swearing comes from the mouths of the kids.

It doesn't help that one of the most bizarre concerns you could possibly level at a movie is phrased like a shape-shifting alien trying to blend in with human society.

A kid calls his friend "buttlove."

This is starting to read like a serial killer's enemies list. I'm pretty sure that last sentence was written in lipstick.

A teenage boy with binoculars checks out a teenage girl undressing (no nudity is seen, just underwear).

8

Conan the Barbarian

Universal Pictures/20th Century Fox

It is insinuated that Conan has sex in one scene.

Universal Pictures/20th Century Fox
Because Conan is a master of subtlety.

7

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

Paramount Pictures

6

Short Circuit

TriStar Pictures

I can barely find the strength to comment on this hit parade:

We see the robots mixing a gin and tonic in the first few minutes of the movie.

There are a number of laser beams fired from the robots which destroy vehicles.

TriStar Pictures

5

Space Jam

Warner Bros.

A cartoon has his pants pulled down and we see cartoon buttocks.

"I CAN NO LONGER TRUST THESE FILMS WITH THE SPINNING OF MY GONADAL COGS. MY ROBOT PENIS WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS."

4

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

Warner Bros.

3

Jurassic Park

Universal Pictures/Amblin Entertainment

A T-Rex attacks children, they are all right, though.

"I BREATHE A SIGH OF ROBOT RELIEF. THE CHILDREN ARE UNHARMED."

2

Back to the Future

Universal Pictures/Amblin Entertainment

The Parents Guide for Back to the Future was evidently written by one of the characters from the film (specifically from the part that takes place during the Eisenhower administration):

The members of the band playing at the dance are seen smoking outside of the high school and it's implied they're smoking "reefers."

A "XXX" cinema is seen in the background of a small town twice.

That's right -- twice.

A van crashes into a small structure with people in it. We don't know if they had died.

The fate of the Libyan terrorists has long weighed on our minds. Even as we delight in the time-hopping adventures of Marty and Doc, IMDb Parents Guide will not allow us to ignore our conscience.

Universal Pictures/Amblin Entertainment
"Never mind me, Marty! Go check on the terrorists!"

1

The Wolf of Wall Street

Paramount Pictures

If IMDb Parents Guides were the Olympics, The Wolf of Wall Street would win every event, because it would be the only country allowed to compete. It's like an insane robot trying to write an episode of Red Shoe Diaries.

A man is shown lying nude on his stomach while a woman straddles his bare buttocks and places a burning candle in his anus; the woman then drips hot wax on his back and he yells. His buttocks are seen.

I like that we have to describe exactly how much of the buttock is visible during the anal candle scene, as if there is some specific exposed-buttcheek-to-asshole-candle ratio that would decide whether this sequence is appropriate for children.

Paramount Pictures
"TOO MUCH."

Several fully nude women are seen on a boat (bare breasts, buttocks, and shaved/unshaved pubic regions are visible).

A man snorts cocaine out of a woman's anus and smacks her bare buttocks; we see the woman's buttocks.

A woman walks in on a gay orgy and witnesses many men having sex in various positions; thrusting, bare chests, abdomens, bare buttocks, and legs are seen. (Two men's genitals are briefly seen from a distance.)

If you took one of Kevin Spacey's journals from Se7en and managed to decode its feverishly scribbled spider language, it would look exactly like the IMDb Parents Guide for The Wolf of Wall Street. Whoever wrote this had to pause each scene and rewind it several times to get all the details right, like they were playing nudity bingo.

Paramount Pictures
"I win!"

A man and a woman have sex; we see him thrusting on top of her, with her bare breasts, vagina, and buttocks visible, while his bare buttocks, back, and legs are seen.

His legs are seen.

We hear that a seagull flew into the engine of a plane and we see the plane explode midair.

A very intoxicated man flies a helicopter and nearly crashes it in his backyard.

Two men smoke crack and behave erratically.

Evidently at some point The Wolf of Wall Street becomes a crossover episode of The A-Team and Miami Vice.

Paramount Pictures
Probably right around this scene.

Read Tom's novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter and Tumblr, where only 40 percent of his buttocks is visible at any given time.

Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.