The 12 Best Valentine's Day Gifts for True Nerds
It's crunch time, nerds. We have one week left to pick out an awesome Valentine's Day gift for the person we tricked into going out with us, or just a little something for our lonely, weeping selves. Don't freak out -- that's plenty of time, and I, John "Love Tornado" Cheese, have your back. If you're not a nerd, please ignore this article and leave these awesome gifts for the rest of us. Go buy your partner ... I dunno, like a sports team or something. For everyone else ...
A Chunk of Gallium
Gallium is a metal with a melting point of 85.57 degrees Fahrenheit, which means that at room temperature it is a solid, silvery chunk. But hold it in your hand and that shit melts like a T-1000 terminator in a lava and sparks factory. There's nothing about this gift that fits the traditional theme of hearts and love -- maybe if you melt it and let it solidify in a heart-shaped mold -- but it does say, "I know you. And I know that nothing would bring you as much joy as the feeling of power you'd get from pretending to crush a chunk of metal into a molten puddle in front of your friends."
Or I suppose if you're the sentimental type you could do the heart-shape thing and put the metal in their hand. Then when it starts to melt, just look at them victoriously and yell, "METAPHOR!" The great thing about gallium is that it's cheap. You can get 20 grams for $16 at Amazon.
Normally, a necktie is a gift that says "I hate you" or "You're my dad." Or "I hate you, Dad." But an 8-bit tie? Holy shit, that's a whole different message. I don't think there are many better ways to tell someone "You chose the right person, baby" than a clip-on tie that looks like it came straight out of an old-school Nintendo game. Or Minecraft.
And don't for one second think that this is a guy-only gift. Imagine your nerd gal in a white dress shirt and that tie ... and nothing else. The stereo playing the midi soundtrack from Super Mario Bros. as you pull out your love mushroom. Then she just stomps the living shit out of it, making "bwOOOP" sounds with her mouth. For $20 at ThinkGeek.com, I consider that a sound investment.
Darth Vader Headphones
I'd consider this a good gift for couples who either don't live together or have lived together for a really long time and need some occasional isolation. There's nothing wrong with that -- it means you're in a normal human relationship and you both understand how mortals work.
My only regret with this product is that it doesn't change everything you hear into Darth Vader's voice. If that were the case, these things would be worth more than my car instead of the humble $26 deal they're offering on Amazon. And you can't tell me that you could put those on without pretending you're aboard the Death Star and you bought them from the gift shop in the lobby.
Stuffed Animal Computer Monitor Wipes
Some people prefer to go the traditional route on Valentine's Day, and a good old-fashioned stuffed animal never goes wrong. That doesn't mean they can't serve a practical, nerdy purpose. These cute little bastards have a chamois belly, and they're lemon scented. You put them on the top of your monitor like they're peeking over the back, and when you sneeze on your screen or coat it in chili dog sauce from a violent frenzy of angry eating, you just grab it and wipe off your filth. Obviously, it's best to pretend that you're using a real, live animal -- at least it is for me.
The best part? They're cheap! Vat19.com is offering them for 10 measly bucks. Even if you're poor as fuck, you could get that by selling some blood and still have enough left over for some Mad Dog 20/20.
Binary "I Love You" Print
It's important to note that the frame isn't included, but for $15, you can't really bitch about that. It's an 8-by-10-inch digital print of "I Love You" written in binary code, and the person (Sandra) who runs the Etsy shop does custom work. Does this mean she can make you one in the shape of a penis? I have no idea. You'll have to email her and ask.
Hard Drive Clock
OK, this one is just flat out cool. Rita and Rob have an Etsy shop where they sell some pretty awesome clocks made out of old computer parts. Most of the merchandise is between $40 and $50, which isn't bad, considering that they're all hand made, and you were probably just going to spend that money on cocaine anyway. If your human crotch target is a big ol' computer geek (or clock geek, too, I guess), it's definitely worth checking out. Otherwise, you've made it very clear that you don't truly love that person.
Game of Thrones "Wildfire" Necklace
A vial of wildfire from Game of Thrones that glows in black light? And it's only $15? Hell yes. Kyra-lin's Etsy shop is full of awesome stuff like this, including my personal favorite, the standard video game potions:
Imagine busting one of those bad boys out in the middle of a fistfight. It would totally be worth taking an ass-whipping. Not to stray from the Game of Thrones theme, though, you could always get your nerdy true love a life-size replica of Joffrey's throne. It's officially licensed by HBO, made of fiberglass ... and only $33,000.
Space is the core of geekdom. If you can look up at a night sky or watch a space documentary without becoming awash in awe and wonder, you're probably not as much of a nerd as you think. For $22, you can relax under the cosmos while doing the other thing that geeks love so much: staying inside. Tell me it wouldn't be awesome to turn that on, get naked, and spend the night yelling, "We're space-fucking!" It's what Valentine's Day is all about.
Careful with this one. Giving someone a dragon mug is telling them that you believe they have the strength to wield such power. Not everyone can. Especially this badass, which is made out of stainless goddamn steel. I'd recommend sitting beside someone you don't like the first few times you use it, because once you take the last drink, your natural impulse will be to smash it over the nearest person's head and loot them of their spoils.
For only $10, you should have already placed your order by now. You'll only have yourself to blame if your true love walks into a dragon mug situation unarmed.
Lord of the Rings ... Um ... Ring
Jewelry is always the go-to gift if you have the blood money to fling around. The way I see it, if you're going to get a ring, you might as well get the one that oppresses all the other ones. It's 18-karat gold-plated tungsten carbide, and it'll run you around $100, which isn't that bad, considering that the last person who had it paid for it with the lives of the innocent and shitloads of walking.
And if you wanted to go full-on geek and dare to cross your nerd genre streams, you could always gift wrap it in a companion cube box from Portal. Just make sure the recipient can handle that much awesome all at one time, though. You don't want to have to clean up their exploded remains on the year's most romantic day.
Math Equation Watch
Nothing, and I do mean nomotherfuckingthing, says "nerd" like math. It is the singularity in the black hole of nerdositude. The primordial soup in which the ... what I'm saying is that this is a watch with math equations where the normal numbers should be, and it is awesome. Especially for $40. Hell, I'd dare say that even people who aren't math nerds would like this just because it's different and quirky. If I didn't already wear a $1.5 million Rolex, I'd buy this for myself.
Your Face Made of Chocolate
So why is a chocolate face considered geeky? It's the technology behind it. A company called Choc Edge has developed a 3D printer that uses chocolate instead of ink ... and you don't have to be there for them to make it. That's what you'd expect, right? They'd have to construct some sort of mold for you to slam your big ol' floppy face down into? Nope, instead, it constructs a 3D model, using pictures that you send them, and after a bunch of crazy computer shit, they ship you one of the creepiest gifts you'll ever give to another human whom you don't hate. And then you just sit back and force them to eat your face, right in front of you. Probably while you masturbate.