9

What's the Deal With "Throwback" Uniforms?

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The Philadelphia Eagles' throwback uniforms ensured that they would not be run over when crossing the street at night.

Sometimes you turn on the game and all the players seem to be wearing hideous uniforms from another era, or maybe borrowed from a generous high school team. The announcers keep talking about these "throwback" uniforms. What does it all mean?

Supposedly they are tributes to the team's history, bringing back old uniforms from the past that make winning teams proud of their tradition and losing teams remember a glimpse of light from a time when they didn't suck. Actually, though, given the constant rancor between the NFL owners and the NFL players' union, I suspect that these are passive-aggressive moves by the owners, who, unable to get the salary concessions they wanted, are lashing out petulantly by forcing players to occasionally dress up like circus clowns.

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Or circus tents.

8

How Come the Pittsburgh "Steelers" Team Name Is Misspelled?

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Illiterates.

If you've seen the Pittsburgh Steelers play, you've probably wondered why they misspelled "stealers," and then, whether "stealers" is even a real word. It isn't, obviously; the correct word would be "thieves."

Which goes back to an interesting story. Pittsburgh started as a booming manufacturing town (I think they made steel or something) with a solid working class, but as times changed and the demand for manufacturing dropped, a great deal of people lost their jobs and the city fell into chaos and rampant looting, sort of like RoboCop's Detroit, or actually, modern day Detroit.

What's the difference, really?

Civilization fell apart, and the only law was the law of the Thunderdome. The school systems crumbled into ruin, and the only way to earn a living was through scavenging and theft. With their lack of education, the roving bands of pillagers scrawled their semiliterate graffiti calling cards around the city with phrases like "The steelers wuz here" or, on the front of a recently looted house, "Steelers owned u."

7

Why Is a Safety Both a Guy and a Play?

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Pool safety.

If you haven't watched football before, you're probably only familiar with "safety" as an abstract concept of freedom from danger, or maybe a kind of dance. However, football gives it two totally new and confusing meanings.

A safety is a kind of defensive player who goes all the way back and tries to stop receivers from catching the ball. I guess they are called safeties because they are the last line of defense, and once you get past them, there is nobody to stop you. One of the safeties is called a strong safety (because he is strong) and one of them is called a free safety (because he's not a conformist). You could probably do a good buddy movie with two safeties.

I'm not married to the title.

Unfortunately for the new football viewer, a safety is also a kind of play. When the offensive team is so far back that the ball carrier gets taken down in his own end zone, the defensive team gets two points for humiliating them in such a manner. Theoretically, a safety could cause a safety, which is really really confusing.

Why are these terms so confusing? I'm pretty sure it's part of the NFL's master plan to keep regular people from thinking that football is easy to understand, because otherwise you will start complaining more, and they think you already complain enough. If you think it is a mysterious, complex thing that you can't possibly grasp the ins and outs of, then the commentators will keep their jobs and the teams will supposedly get less complaints.

That probably sounds crazy, but keep in mind that the NFL kept the All-22 footage (a high-up camera angle of every game that shows what every player on the field is doing) under wraps for so many years specifically because they didn't want fans to find more stuff to criticize coaches about. Well, it's public as of this year, so take a look and complain your heart out. See if you can find any safeties causing safeties.

6

How Can You "Run Downhill" on a Flat Field?

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This is not what the politicians would call a "level playing field."

One thing you'll notice a lot if you listen to the commentators (which you probably shouldn't) is that they keep saying that a running back "runs downhill" or "needs to run downhill," which seems to imply that he should leave the stadium and go for a jog somewhere, because the playing field is flat.

I mean, obviously this is some kind of expression or metaphor for a guy building up so much momentum that it's like he's running down a hill, or something. At least it usually refers to a guy who pretty much smashes straight ahead through defensive players like a bowling ball, as opposed to going sideways and trying to run around them. Why the commentators won't use words like "direct" or "straight," I don't know; I guess it's tradition, or part of the conspiracy I mentioned above.

I propose getting revenge for being confused by making up our own random directional phrases. "They have Eric Decker running a counterclockwise route on the anti-meridian." "Frank Gore is getting some great yardage going south-southwest." "Matt Forte needs to follow the trade winds."

5

Why Do so Many Football Terms Sound Dirty?

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If you have the slightest hint of immaturity in your mind and you watch a football game with the commentary on, you will hear a lot of things that make you giggle. Like:

- He really knows how to work the seam.
- They're really pounding it up the middle.
- They're getting great penetration in the backfield.
- The tight end was wide open.
- The call is "illegal touching." (Yes, that's an official call.)
- Trent Dilfer (retired quarterback and current commentator)

4

Why Are People Just Milling Around When the Game Isn't Over Yet?

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One of the most confusing things for me at first was watching everyone mill around on the field, chatting and shaking hands like the game was over, when there were like 40 seconds left on the clock. "Man," I thought, "these people are quitters! What's wrong with you! Why are you just giving up?"

Then I found out about kneel downs and how teams with a certain number of plays left can just have the quarterback kneel down, ending the play, and let the time tick down while they prematurely (technically) congratulate each other. Obviously you only do this if you are ahead. I still think it's weird that the other team just lets you do that, but I guess it's an unwritten rule everybody follows, except a rogue coach here and there, and when they don't follow it, everybody gets mad.

Still, there's something weird about watching the final seconds of the game tick down while you're walking around socializing.

3

Is There Really Still a Team Called the Redskins in This Day and Age?

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2

Why Is There a Baseball Field on the Football Field?

If you've asked this question, you were likely watching an Oakland Raiders game, in which case, I'm sorry. The Oakland Raiders are kind of like the Harlem Globetrotters of football, if the Globetrotters' humor was unintentional and they usually lost. While they provide ample entertainment with their off-field drama and their often bumbling play, they top it all with the last multipurpose stadium in North America, shared with Major League Baseball's Oakland Athletics.

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It's currently called the O.co Coliseum, believe it or not.

Once upon a time, some people thought that multi-use stadiums were the future, so they built some. Now they know better.

The end of baseball season runs into the beginning of football season, so for the first few Raiders games, there's a big dirt baseball diamond in the middle of the football field. In addition to just looking hilarious, I can't imagine how this screws around with actual play.

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Fumble at ... second base?

Fortunately, being a true Oakland team, the A's don't usually get very far in the postseason, so the Raiders only have to put up with it for a few games.

1

What's the Deal With Fantasy Football?

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You might have seen "fantasy football" stats running across the bottom of the screen during an NFL game broadcast, and you might have heard that fantasy football is a billion-dollar industry, and you might have tried to talk about football with a co-worker or associate and been treated to a long-winded discussion of their fantasy football team.

Fantasy football is not that different from women's fantasies, but is adapted to appeal to guys. While women may fantasize about some sexy guy coming to deliver pizza, whereupon the woman finds out that she has no money and wonders if there is some other way she can pay for it, guys' fantasies are somewhat different, in that they imagine Aaron Rodgers coming to deliver pizza, whereupon the man finds out that he has no money and wonders if there is some other way he can pay for it. I don't want to go into detail with minors on this site, but it all ends up in a hot tub with Rodgers and Clay Matthews.

It could be you in that tub with your poorly Photoshopped heroes!

Again, I want to emphasize that I've been following the teachings of Ms. Rand in not looking anything up and relying on myself in coming up with these explanations, so I could be totally off base. Obviously I've heard from guys that fantasy football seems to have a lot to do with pretending you are the owner of the team and "buying" a whole stable full of players, which sounds like a pretty hot setup to me.

Check out more from Christina in 6 Reasons The NFL Is The Trashiest Reality Show on TV and The First QB to Ever Eat Himself Out of the NFL.