Like most of you, I grew up in a place where every local used car dealer and mattress retailer was crazy. It was the only way to explain their insane prices! They each produced commercials bragging about their mental disorders, and I remember one pawn shop owner in my area who chainsawed furniture in half who probably wasn't lying. These commercials taught us many things, and all of them were this: If you want to be successful in sales, you need to stop paying attention to the warnings on modeling glue. This may explain why so many sellers on Amazon.com are legitimate, unmedicated lunatics.
Unless you think a sane salesperson kept track of this for 20 years in the hopes of a penny.
And what maniac lets the Bloodsport soundtrack go for less than four figures!?
I scoured Amazon.com and collected 10 of the most luxuriously and insanely overpriced items from their sprawling, madman-populated database. Rich people, drop another panda heart into your helicopter's dog kennel and let's get ready to shop! Poor people, this seems like a good time to warn you that I'm in a helicopter, hunting you.
Imagine the elegance of a television mount that moves your TV for you. It's the final step in telling your body from the neck down that you're done with it. How much would you pay for that? Three trillion dollars? Two trillion dollars? Try one trillion dollars. That's less than the cost of 14 million surrogate pregnancies and a sacrificial dais!
That may seem like a lot of money, but look at what you get: a free 7-foot HDMI cable. And can you really put a price on owning the only robot arm not designed for masturbating humans?
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: Fat Boys 3 x 3 on VHS
I know what you're thinking about this wall mount, trillionaires. "I don't want to configure another goddamn device with my universal remote. My television chamber's trap door already opens every time I switch to Spanish audio. Hold on, that's just a trapped landscaper screaming for help. Excuse me for a moment. Cadbury, ring the Rancor bell!"
A more sensible entertainment option might be this VHS collection of three H E A V Y videos by those W I D E A N G L E rappers, the Fat Boys. It's only $2,536.81, although there is a $3,034.73 version available if you want a second copy. The tape unfortunately does not include liner notes, but if you fill the box with yogurt and squeeze it in your armpit, it will recite the lyrics for you.
At first you might think that a video game with 14 days of free play is worth more than $15,492.78. You're wrong. It's actually worth far, far less. This is about $300 worth of toys with a $15,100 personal shopper fee for putting them all in the same box. It does come with a World of Warcraft hat, which will help explain to people why you disappeared for several months and returned as a manatee.
Actually, $15,492.78 isn't too overpriced. Because let's be honest -- if you love Warcraft enough to wear a Warcraft hat, the closest thing you have to a second hobby is beard fungus critic, and that's not a big economic drain.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: The 2006-2011 World Outlook for Saline Breast Implants (Digital PDF)
If you're looking for vaguely depressing computer entertainment, this PDF file about international saline breast implants is less than $800. It won't be quite as fun as cultivating body fat from inside Azeroth, but both are a great way to learn about some pretty strangely shaped breasts.
If you have a surgical opening leaking fecal waste out of your body, you're not really in the mood to haggle over the price of a diaper bag. That being said, if you quoted me a price of $45,021 for a box of 10, I'd ask you how much for just a mop.
Note the strangely written product description. The seller says, "Peace of mind knowing that the pouch is discreet and is made of t". Made of what, you greedy lunatic!? Made of ... oh. I get what happened here. You know, if you wore those ileostomy pouches instead of upselling them on the Internet, you might not have died on a keyboard crapping out of a second asshole, asshole.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: The Autopsy, Chapter One: Unraveling Life's Mysteries (VHS)
Now that we know where to find a corpse, it's time to brush up on our autopsy skills. I found this 30-minute VHS tape of one for right under $100,000. That seems expensive, but if you have a pile of dead bodies who died from swallowing money, this video practically pays for itself.
Imagine if someone offered to show you how to wiggle around in a chair for only $50 a minute. Stop dreaming! It's here!
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: Revo 4-Wheel Scooter (Color Blue)
If you don't mind spending 1,000 times more, you can laugh at fitness from your $991,599 motorized scooter. That price doesn't include an oil slick feature, but if you're sitting in one of these, you're already secreting enough canola oil to thwart pursuers.
At this price, why not buy 24 and race them?
The ANSR Sole Callus Remover is a $120 device that sands chunks of your feet off. It's also shaped exactly like a massager for women who want to accidentally buff away their vagina one sleepy night. You might be wondering, "Surprise vaginoplasties and centaur-smooth feet for only $120? What's the catch?"
Here's the catch: The replacement pads are $5.3 trillion each. Which is why, right now, American spies are installing ill-fitting high heels into the closets of high-ranking Chinese officials. If we can give their leaders bunions, a few foot-polishing-plate sales could eliminate our national debt completely. You're welcome, America. Again.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: 11 Inch Purple Birthday All-Around Printed Balloons
For $49,999.90, a fraction of the cost of foot-polishing pads, you can distract your friends from your horrible feet with birthday balloons! Let's look at some of the product features:
1: 100 per package
That's only $499.99 per balloon! If you can't afford that, maybe celebrating isn't the right activity for you.
2: Qualatex Birthday Balloons
I'm not sure what this is, but it sounds like something a professional partier would choose.
3: Helium Quality Balloons
I don't need to tell you the meaning of that because there isn't one.
4: Qualatex - The Choice of Professionals
I knew it!
They come uninflated? Uninflated!? For $49,999.90, I want these delivered by wind currents and a terrified man clinging to a cluster of balloons. I want them delivered on the body of Kourtney Kardashian, who will cry while she pops each one. This is the worst $50,000 I've spent since I bought half a VHS tape about autopsies.
There might be cheaper ways to learn bass than Steve Bailey's $99,999.99 Fretless Bass, but are you willing to risk it? To put that price tag into perspective, Geddy Lee's personal appearance fee is $60,000, and the bass player from the Spin Doctors will come to your house and put his mouth around you as long as your dick is in a pizza.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: Disposable Earplugs Plugstation
For less than half the price of Fretless Bass, you can get this Goin' Green NASCAR-branded earplug dispenser. Stick a couple in and play bass as fretfully as you want. Do you have small ear canals? What am I saying? You're a NASCAR fan -- tiny ear holes are the least of your birth defects. You're probably halfway through eating the dispenser already and wondering why this $46,710 tub of popcorn sucks so much.
$6,901 for six boxes of Cheerios? Have they been passed through the Queen of England?
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: Video Introduction to Adult Swallowing Disorders (VHS)
If you're on a budget, avoid Cheerios and try swallowing less expensive things like ethnic children or fossilized dinosaur semen. This can be dangerous, so pick up a $2,846.23 VHS tape on adult swallowing disorders. It's a steal! You don't have to take my word for it -- just listen to these reviews!
Student SLP gave this video five stars! He or she thinks it's a "great investment" and also a "book."
J. Shackelford only gave it three stars, since its PAL format will make it impossible to watch on an American VCR should he or she ever come across the video.
So if you've ever wondered what kind of people buy a $2,846.23 tape on throat disorders, you were right: retarded ones.
This $99,999.84 case is probably more than you spent for your actual iPod Shuffle, but it comes with a Free eBigValue Hand Strap and a Key Ring. Assuming those are the Korean words for "weapons-grade uranium" and "treasure map," this is a bargain. Plus, it comes with keys!!!
No, wait. Shit.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: 3-Carat Diamond Pacifier
Let's face it: If you're walking around with a $100,000 iPod Shuffle case, you're doing that so poor people hate you. Get the same effect for a fraction of the cost by jamming this diamond-studded pacifier in your infant's mouth. It's the fastest way to tell nearby child psychologists that your baby will have a sex tape by the time it's 18 months old.
For a quarter of a million dollars, you can have the book rights and the movie rights for Pez Outlaw Diary, a novel(?) about the intrigue surrounding Pez dispenser dealing. The author, Pez Outlaw, has written what he says is "the most unique book ever written about Pez." That sounds impossible, but judging by the manic sentence fragments he used to describe the book, I believe him. Take a look:
"Pez Outlaw Diary - PEZ bio of 11 year quest for success. International travel. Money and deception. Now a fight for restitution Buying this listing gets you both the book + movie rights of this story. The True Story of Pez.. The 1/2 Million Dollar Fraud, PEZ Pez. A Story of Fraud, Dishonesty, Betrayal, Envy and Greed. Welcome to the Pez Outlaw world. I accept all facebook friend requests."
"The 1/2 Million Dollar Fraud, PEZ Pez"!? Like Aliens vs. Predator, that walks the line between a great elevator pitch and the ramblings of a madman. Who would have thought that decades of eating sweetened chalk out of the neck of Batman could make a person crazy?
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: ?????????
For only $10,014.89, you can ... actually, I have no goddamn idea what this one is.
Wow! Sixty virility pills for $999,944.99!? If Coach Mike Ditka told me he was only going to charge me $16,665.75 per erection, I'd be so excited that he'd accidentally give me one for free.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: The REAL DEAL on Breastfeeding (DVD)
I'm not a math scientist, but let's work this out. $999.99 is more than most DVDs cost, yet dividing $999.99 worth of breasts by infinite replayability equals free erections for life. In your face, Ditka.
For the Bizarro version of this article, see 8 Ridiculous Products for Sale on Amazon.com for One Penny. Or just enjoy If Violent Video Games Really Got Banned.