The Players: Winston Churchill, one of BritainÂs best-loved Prime Ministers, helped lead the nation to victory in World War II by sitting on his fat ass, smoking cigars, and delivering more quotable lines than an entire staff of Simpsons writers. Churchill was such a powerful force in English politics that his death ensured work for ugly British actors for at least the next millennia. During his time in Parliament, he often had the occasion to square off against the conservative Lady Astor, first female member of Parliament and renowned wit. Whether AstorÂs penchant for attacking Churchill was due to his being a heavy drinker, occasionally sexist, or simply a worthy sparring partner, their scuffles proved that if thereÂs anything politicians do well, itÂs talk some serious shit.
The Players: Dorothy Parker and Clare Boothe Luce are the type of women destined to make this list. Both were renowned for their incisive wit, both were prolific and award-winning writers, and both loved a good old-fashioned cat fight. Parker was one of the founding members of the Algonquin Roundtable, a group of writers, editors, and intellectuals who met for lunch every day to say quotable things and laugh urbanely about how much smarter than the general public they all were. Luce, aside from being a playwright, served as U.S. Ambassador to Italy and a Congresswoman, thereby posthumously zinging the hell out of Lady Astor.
The Players: Churchill you may remember from several minutes ago. At this point in our story, heÂs still the British Prime Minister, still drinks and smokes like a fishÂs chimney, and still seems to spout off horrendous burns like some kind of reverse fireman. This time, the target of his fire hose is George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, author of
The Players: Oscar Wilde, author of The Importance of Being Earnest and The Picture of Dorian Gray, was a renowned Irish playwright and wit who wore fur coats in public, had catty feuds with other poets, and just went around generally acting so gay that he was ultimately put on trial and imprisoned for his homosexuality. His works and legacy are still going strong, despite tremendous efforts to silence his ÂindecencyÂ in his own time, although his is still occasionally mistaken for actor Gene Wilder, probably because heÂs as close to Willy Wonka as any living humanÂs ever been. Lewis Morris was another poet and friend of OscarÂs who wasnÂt nearly as gay and has therefore rightly been forgotten.
The Players: Albert Einstein, a Nazi defector, is best known for the series of posters he appeared on with his tongue sticking out. He also invented radiation, daily exposure to which tragically caused him to always have Âstatic electricity hair.Â This obvious physical defect led to his name becoming synonymous with idiocy or buffoonery (i.e., Âgreat job irradiating my turtles, Einstein; theyÂve transformed into man-sized ninja monstersÂ). Neils Bohr was a Nobel Laureate physicist with the Manhattan Project who provided powerful insights into atomic structure and early quantum mechanics. His mother was from a wealthy political family, his father had a molecular function named after him (the ÂBohr shiftÂ), and his brother was an Olympian. He is considered to be one of the fathers of modern physics, and was considered ÂadequateÂ by his parents.
The Players: Keith Moon, of The Who, is one of the greatest drummers and rock stars to ever grace a stage. His unique style of drumming like a goddamned madman and insisting that the drums be treated as a lead instrument paved the way for 32-piece, revolving drum sets everywhere. Further, his habit of utterly trashing hotel rooms, throwing TV sets out of windows, and blowing up toilets got him personally banned from no less than three major hotel chains and basically started the trend. He was a tortured, bizarre little man who hit his women, forced enough drugs through his system to mildly discomfort Keith Richards, and made some of the best noises in the history of rock. IÂd tell you who Jimmy Page is, but that kind of gives away the comeback, so IÂll act like youÂve lived under a rock for forty years and have no idea.
Things could always be much, much worse.
You've probably never heard of it.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.