So a new movie starring Spider-Man villain The Venom has been officially announced, and Sony has assured us that it's going to be rated R. And I, for one, am delighted. I've been a fan of Marvel Comics' The Venom character since I was a little German boy clipping grass for nickels to buy comic books, and there's one thing that has consistently frustrated me with every adaptation of the black-suited villain.
Marvel Entertainment GroupMarvel Entertainment Group
Marvel / Sony Pictures TelevisionMarvel / Columbia Pictures / Sony Pictures
Notice anything? That's right, not a single dick. Not one male sex organ is visibly penduling its way through any of those images. They contain none of the graphic male nudity we faithful readers of The Venom comics have come to expect from this iconic villain.
Long have we suffered through soulless adaptation after adaptation, as animation and cinema executives alike have bugged their eyes out at the opportunity to make millions of dollars off of a popular character while depriving all of us diehard fans from the swirling dicks that made The Venom popular in the first place. By saddling him with PG-13 and Y7 ratings -- the cinematic equivalent of a wet, penisless blanket -- they continuously stripped Marvel Comics' The Venom of the adult edginess that made him so appealing (specifically, the adult penises).
So all I can say is thank Jesus fucking Christ atop his crystal throne in his golden palace of victory, because Sony is finally, finally, going to deliver us the The Venom experience we've spent the past 30 years waiting for, sweating and howling and gnashing our teeth at each failed adaptation that was heartlessly flopped in front of us, like a flaccid penis unburdened by a criminal PG-13 rating (the irony was never lost on us). No longer will we stare up at the moon and wish for a world wherein The Venom can twirl a brace of sturdy cocks in a dazzling nunchaku kata. Nevermore will we tear open a birthday gift and be instantly deflated by the sight of yet another The Venom DVD bearing a mocking PG-13 rating like a scarlet letter (the letter being "D," for "Dicks (None)"). Those days are over. Dawn breaks anew. The Venom will be rated R.
Of course, the obvious question on everyone's mind is "What classic The Venom storyline will they adapt for this big-screen outing?" This is an impossible question to answer, partially because we literally don't know, but also because there are so many incredible story arcs to choose from that are ripe for the landscape of R [Restricted] filmmaking. There's the classic three-issue "Pearls Before Swine" run, in which The Venom sprouts a thick, coiled rope of veiny penises from his alien costume to beat Leland Owlsley to death in a piano store. Or they could look to David Michelinie's masterful "Sins Of The Father" storyline, which sees The Venom excrete a braid of penises from the top of his head and helicopter inside Ryker's Island like Inspector Gadget to eliminate Alistair Smythe. Of course, Sony could always make the wise choice and pick the most commercially accessible story arc: "Patriot Games," the five-issue miniseries (and bestselling trade paperback!) in which The Venom saves President Clinton from assassination at the hands of an international crime syndicate. This is the arc in which we famously learn that the "organic webbing" The Venom uses to websling is actually knuckled strands of ropy ejaculate secreted by the dozens of penises sprouting from his alien costume.
Whatever the case may be, Sony's brave R rating has unlocked a rich tapestry of classic comic book storylines for them to choose from, and this The Venom fan couldn't be more excited. Bring on October 2018!
Tom is on Twitter.
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