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Echinacea

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Zinc

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Americans spend over $100 million a year on zinc supplements, so the word is definitely out that this shitty metal does something. It's mostly marketed as a way of relieving cold symptoms, and it stands to reason that since zinc is a metal and a cold is caused by a virus, that the zinc will stab the virus to death with little metal hands and your nose will stop running. But, and be prepared to be totally boogalooed by this little chestnut, it turns out there's no science backing that shit up at all.

As it happens, a few studies indicate zinc may lessen the duration of a cold, but not that it can prevent one or affect symptoms. All in all, that's better than nothing, right? It would be if that's all zinc did, but that's not all zinc does. It's mostly famous for causing nausea, because you're just eating a shitty metal, and also for giving you chronic toilet mouth. Again, because it's a shitty metal. It makes your mouth taste shitty. So now you have that going on and the trade off is your cold lasts a day less. Worth it yet?

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Of greater concern than zinc's penchant for vomitousness is that it apparently can also completely destroy your sense of smell. Is that not the most weirdly random of side effects? 130 people complained to the FDA about various zinc-based nasal sprays for colds, and several products were taken off the market as a result. In some cases, the damage done by the sprays was permanent. There are people out there right now not smelling jack shit because they sprayed zinc up their nose. Considering the most common application of zinc is galvanization, there's a good reason to take a moment and consider just how much of this stuff you really need in your body anyway. It's used to make alloys strong and shiny. Do you need that in your lungs and butt and whatnot?

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Hand Sanitizer

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A fun product to use in this modern world when you can't find the time to bathe after wiping your own ass is hand sanitizer. You can punch turds and fist donkeys all day, and then a little squirt resets your clock -- just like how saying sorry to a priest absolves you of all those fires you set. Sweet deal. Only is it really that easy?

First and foremost, stop setting fires. Secondly, wash your hands with soap, you butt-fiddler. Next, as far as sanitizer is concerned, use this stuff in a pinch or somewhere gross like a hospital. I never touch anything at a hospital, including myself. Fuck that, I'm not risking it. I'll lather up with sanitizer every 10 feet I walk, and if some rancid, oozing, dysentery-infused ghoul even looks in my direction, I'm putting on a second coat. I will not go down without a fight. But that's a special circumstance.

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Out in the real world, you're going to want to lay off the hand sanitizer. Sure, it kills germs ... if you have a kind which contains enough alcohol, and not all do. (Check the label for 60 percent. If it has less, you're basically washing your hands with a margarita, and ass germs are more than happy to bathe in that.) But who cares? If it's a sanitizer with Triclosan included as an antibacterial agent, you should just start swallowing pieces of jagged metal now, because you're really screwing your insides.

Triclosan is a vile substance known for doing things like walking up to your immune system and digging a hole in it to use as a latrine. Aside from being a compound that can lead to the formation of antibiotic-resistant bacteria, triclosan itself gets in your bloodstream and maybe gives you cancer, or alters hormone levels, or causes allergies, infertility, or neurological issues. It's like the hand sanitizer people wanted to make sure they had concentrated evil in their product, but a wide-spectrum evil that would cause a grab bag of terrible side effects.

Pixabay Public Domain

If none of that turns you off hand sanitizer, consider this: If your sanitizer smells like anything other than moonshine, it's because they perfumed it. Most of those perfumes are the result of phthalates -- chemicals that you might eat later when you pop some Skittles with your sanitizer-encrusted hands. Once inside you, phthalates proceed right to the Chuck Palahniuk and Clive Barker Memorial Church of Fucked Uppery and proceed to do unthinkable things to your body. The Swan Study showed that women who were exposed to excessive phthalates gave birth to children with wrongly-positioned anal openings. So for the cost of some lavender scent in your hand sanitizer, you're breeding a generation of kids whose assholes aren't where their assholes should be. Where are their assholes? I couldn't find an answer! They're just not in the right place, and I will go out on a limb and say that if your asshole shows up in any place other than the middle of your ass, your life is going to be a fucking chore.

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