Good news! All those letters and petitions we forced our interns to write on your behalf have finally paid off. We've been listening to your sloppily forged feedback, and we're as pleased as you that this weekly T-shirt store update is now the most anticipated piece of content we run each week! The number of you clicking on it only reflects your zeal, proving that none of you are reading these alone, but rather in huddled groups around a single computer with everyone you know. We are bringing people together, and we can only apologize that it's taken us an entire week to finally say "You're welcome."
Now on with the thrust ...
We have awesome new shirts, and the Cracked Dispensary is releasing a new shirt every other week, plus a couple of new designs next week, just in time for everyone who'd rather hand out something more substantial this Halloween than chocolate-covered corn syrup. Our shirts are 100 percent cotton, made in the U.S., and significantly easier to hide a razor blade in than a popcorn ball, so it's your choice, really. You can also still get a whopping 15 percent off every purchase with the promo code HAUNTME2013 through the end of October.
We are still accepting submissions through Friday the 25th in the contest for the new Cracked branded T-shirt. We are throwing $500 at the winner (and any other design we like enough to print on a shirt), so if you have a killer idea and want to take a stab at it, please do it soon. We will hold a new contest every month with a new premise. Ultimately, it would be crazy for us not to ask for your involvement; we honestly want to make something you, our core readers, want to wear. Even if you aren't great at design, we'll help you hone your rough idea if we like it, so everyone is free to submit. We will pay you for every idea we turn into a shirt.
We also want to turn your favorite Photoplasty entries into T-shirts. It seems like a shame that our favorite funny images only live on our front page for a few days and then collect dust in the archive until the sun eats the Earth. We've opened a forum thread where you can breathe new life into any Photoplasty that you loved. Assuming they are good fits, we'll pay the original creator $400 and make the shirt. After all, dusting off old Photoplasty entries was how we ended up with one of our favorites in the Dispensary.
Finally, we will have an ongoing competition in which you can submit a photo of yourself wearing our clothes. It's that simple: just take a picture and upload it, then we pick our favorites every other week, offering $100 to the winner, plus any shirt in the store.
Look, it's no secret that the editorial brain trust of Cracked is quite possibly the most intelligent collective ever amassed toward the singular goal of genital jokes in all of human history. The Nobel people have sent handfuls of crumpled, crayoned messages through our interns announcing that they are aware of our immeasurable contributions to society and that they are saving the very best prize for us. But proud as we are, we remain humble enough to acknowledge when we've been bested. Occasionally we see T-shirt designs on other sites we are furious we didn't think of first. But since they have no tangible store window through which to throw a brick, we'll honor them instead. In a staggering act of maturity that surprised even us, we've decided each week to highlight five shirts we love from around the Web with no foreseeable gain. We just like these goddamn shirts, and we think that you might, too. Here are our favorites this week:
Lastly, we've almost exhausted our supply of one product in our store. Soon we will have no choice but to retire the shirt we've lovingly called "The Commemorative Tesla (Fuck That Dickbag Edison) T-shirt."
It's sad, but we have to move on. We'll continue adding new shirts to the Cracked Dispensary every other week, and we'll certainly brag about them here in these weekly posts. If you want a Tesla shirt, order it now, because it will be gone soon.
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.