It seems like tradition that every year around this time, a bunch of dumbass news stories pop up claiming that the country is losing its mind over some edgy, political change Starbucks has made to its cups. Every year, we click on those headlines, only to find out it's just a meaningless color variation that a few mentally ill people are freaking out about. And for some reason, that's news.
We're tired of it. Not just because it's a dumb, pointless, desperate attempt to harvest clicks, but also because we really want to see some genuinely offensive shit on those cups. So to help out Starbucks and news organizations alike, we've designed new, actually offensive cups that the chain can use, totally free of charge, so the headlines will at least have some merit.
Hot And Black, Like Your Mom's Dildo
When it comes to offensive, you can't go wrong (right) with a "your mom" joke. Invoke the sexual proclivities of the mothers of your customer base, and that will really set people off. If you think a green cup got taken out of context, there's just no proper context for mommy's dildo on the side of a coffee cup, all veiny and triumphant with a sheen of mom glistening in the light.