This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
We all have weird ways of falling asleep. Some of us count sheep. Some of us meditate. Some of us watch any Kevin Costner movie made after 2002, HEY-O. But before you resort to something truly weird, try fixing the more obvious thing: your bed. Bring your sad slumber pit into the 21st century with some space-age materials from SHEEX.
Humans are terribly and unpredictably fickle. In an instant, we can go from feeling scorching hot to feeling so cold that we'd jump inside a sliced-open Tauntaun. To help keep your body temperature in check while you sleep, SHEEX sheets keep air flowing and moisture from accumulating. They're made of 87 percent microfiber, and the rest is stretchy spandex, so you can stop fighting against them for full-body coverage when it gets too chilly. They usually cost $179, but the price is currently dropped all the way to $125.99.
Duvet covers are like the offensive lineman of household linens, and not just because they're thick and huddled together. Duvet covers protect your comforter from sweat and dust particles. This SHEEX Performance Cooling Duvet Cover will do all of those things and keep your sheets cooler than The Fonz in a snowstorm. And it can be had for $44 less than MSRP when you buy it from us, just $174.99.
"High-performance" is a phrase that we usually use to describe Gatorade-sponsored athletes and cars that we don't really know anything about. But this baby does more than enough to earn the descriptor. It's got the same cooling touch as the SHEEX sheets, but it's also filled with ventilating CoolX Phase Change Material to dynamically regulate temperature. It's even got several layers of squishy, supportive memory foam to provide unparalleled support for your weary bones. A SHEEX Performance Cooling Mattress comes in every expected size, and the Queen version is only $1,049.99.
Whether it's due to an aggressive case of asthma or a Tippi-Hedren-esque fear of birds, not everyone can get down with feather down. That's why the SHEEX Original Performance Down Alt Comforter is stuffed with hollow CoolX fibers to keep you dry and thermally regulated without having to harm a single duck. You're welcome, Daffy. Save 20 percent on the Queen size when you order it from the Cracked Shop for $278.99.
Keep both sides of the pillow equally cool and eliminate the midnight toss-n-fluff once and for all with the SHEEX Performance Pillowcase Set. Using what we can only imagine is the very pinnacle of pillow technology, SHEEX pillowcases transfer body heat twice as effectively as traditional cotton and breathe nearly 50 percent better. It's got an identical feel to the rest of their soft offerings, and you get two for only $39.99, 18 percent off the normal price.
Truthfully, a box spring isn't going to improve your physical comfort. However, the psychological comfort of making your bed look like something that belongs to a responsible adult is unparalleled. Sleep well knowing that you've upgraded from college apartment status and complete the SHEEX set in style for just $53.99, 21 percent off retail.
There's no point in working hard if you can't play even harder. So party on, Bane. Get your kicks out early so you can bid the rest of the nightwalkers good night as you settle in for the best darn sleep of your life. You earned it; you had a big day.
Movies are never more unrealistic than when they're showing us exactly what a dollar can buy.
I don't usually go in for conspiracy theories.