I don't mean to disparage all the highly trained schnitzerdoodles and yorkiepoos who carry out their duty with honor and distinction. Heck, even miniature horses can be pressed into legitimate therapeutic service nowadays. However, along with the breed (and species) variation, another thing that's expanded is the number of people who are gaming the system -- by obtaining dubious online paperwork along with a brightly colored vest, fraudulently claiming their pet is a service animal, and then taking their filthy beast into restaurants, onto planes, and to piss and shit all over the grounds of eager-to-accommodate theme parks. And despite the fact that this sort of activity is a federal crime, the Americans With Disabilities Act has made it just as illegal to demand proof of whether an animal is bona fide or not. So some individuals, emboldened by this loophole, don't even bother to confine their chicanery to mammals.

Via dogingtonpost.com

The fact that theme parks put a lot of people in close quarters with one another can make for some big problems when you add an unruly dog into the mix. And if you think paying some shady dude to print out a fake certificate (that says your purse Chihuahua is a vital part of your dyspepsia treatment or some shit) for the purposes of bringing your furry accomplice into one is a victimless crime, you might reassess your opinion after you've been assaulted by a min-pin while waiting in line for the Matterhorn. Or stared in horrified wonder as a pink poodle goes on a fecal rampage through the souvenir stores.

Via poodleforum.com

Until the Byzantine clusterfuck of rules and regulations regarding what is and what isn't a service animal is clarified, there's really no downside for those with an annoying mutt and a lack of scruples to lie their way onto It's A Small World and leave steaming mementos all over the dancing Eskimos. So for now you're just going to have to deal with the occasional snarling lap mongrel menacing you in line, while its Mickey-hat-wearing owner joins in on the snarling with, "He's my emotional support dog! He's mad at you!"

Via dogingtonpost.com

A lot of misbehavior in public settings can be chalked up to ignorance, impatience, or simple misunderstandings. But when you willfully hire a disabled person just to ride on a motherfucking teacup a little bit sooner, you've officially joined the ranks of the world's most magnificent turds.

Via pixabay.com

Before Disney was forced to make changes in their policies regarding such matters, it used to be that people with disabilities were allowed to jump to the front of lines for rides. It's just a nice thing to do, right? Nobody, not even Cruella de Vil or that dickbag Pete The Cat would be so despicably loathsome as to take selfish advantage of something like that, right? Well, of course they would, and new rules had to be drawn up when it came to light that people were hiring the handicapped as "guides," allowing entire groups to cheat their way in front of everyone else.

Via youtube.com

Don't be feeling too sorry for the "guides" -- imagining them like desperate little Tiny Tims just doing what they had to do for survival. Because some of them (like the woman in this video) somehow managed to obtain a handicapped pass for things like "knee and back problems," while gleefully and jauntily accompanying her customers throughout the park for 50 bucks an hour. All while completely unencumbered by something so troublesome as a wheelchair or a crutch. And I'm not suggesting that all disabilities have to be visible to be real, but I get the feeling from all the giggly gloating going on that she just might be bullshitting a wee bit.

Via pixabay.com

So, sorry about that, cancer kids and wounded veterans, but thanks to that age old partnership of selfishness and greed, it looks like you'll have to wait in the hot sun for hours like everyone else to be bored stupid in The Hall Of Presidents. So what are those with more disposable income than patience and decency going to do now that this particular jig is up? Well, they could always just cut out the middleman entirely and join up with the ...

And here is a rather fitter-than-average person for whom one does not appear to be:

Via dailymail.co.uk

But hey, the country's getting fatter every year, so maybe there are just more people who actually need a little motorized assistance once they reach middle age, when self propulsion becomes an undue hardship due to cankle interference. But using such devices to barge in front of children en route to get a better seat for the Doc McStuffins live show? That's a little harder to rationalize. Here's a typical account from a poster named ptdreher on WDWMagic.com:

I found myself getting desensitized to people with disabilities because I don't know if everyone is legitimate or not. I think there should be a handicap certification for these vehicles so you we can provide proper assistance to those who need it. I saw too many folks riding the scooters up to a ride and using the benefits of handicap access and then walking just fine and allowing a family member to ride the vehicle later on.

But how do you even address a situation like this without potentially making life more complicated for those who really do need the scooters? What kind of restrictions could possibly be put into place without violating all sorts of rights and outraging the public at large? Disney's already been sued (unsuccessfully) because assholes made it impossible to continue providing preferential treatment to those with disabilities. So are we doomed to a dark future where vacations in Orlando will start to resemble a clown-car pile-up on the New Jersey Turnpike? I guess we'll just have to deal with it. For now, however, let's at least try to get a law passed that requires the removal of the horns.

You can't travel 20 yards in a Disney park without running into a little girl in a princess costume or a boy in Jedi gear. (Or vice-versa. You do you, kids.) That's just plain adorable. You know what's not so much, though? Fully grown tourists who feel it necessary to put their half-assed cosplay sensibilities out on public display, in the process perplexing the crap out of those previously mentioned little kids. Because a 6-year-old is naturally going to wonder why their favorite movie characters are wearing such shitty homemade get-ups. And possibly if their appearance might be an indicator of an impending mental break, or perhaps some kind of drastic life change.

Via popsugar.com

There's actually a term (aside from "watchlist candidate") for the practice of adults cobbling together random closet bric-a-brac to transform themselves into low-rent doppelgangers of cartoon characters: Disneybounding. And before the powers that be wisely started prohibiting anyone 14 and older from playing dress-up at the expense of their copyrighted characters' dignity, making random passersby wince with a combination of thrift store purchases and poor method acting was all the rage among the sort of folks you'd be wise not to employ as public relations consultants.

Via orlandosentinel.com

Now far be it from me to ruin someone's well-intentioned good time, and during Halloween this sort of thing would be acceptable. But after a while I got pretty damn sick of explaining to my kids that the man in the striped shirt and glued-on mutton chops was not in fact Smee but was closer in age and demeanor to the guy behind the counter at the mall where I used to buy Doc Martens. And the confusion only increased once they placed themselves next to one of the real, presumably highly consternated "cast members" working the crowds.

Via disneyfanatic.com

In addition to the disconcertingly large number of websites still in existence that are devoted solely to Disneybounding, there are also businesses that cater specifically to this aberrant behavior -- with questionable outfits ranging from an uncivilized Scotsman to the morbidly obese pachyderm. And while the new park rules may have significantly cut into these businesses' market share, they still might do decently well among those looking for last-minute gift ideas this coming holiday season. Because what better way is there to express your true feelings than the gift of an ensemble inspired by a cartoon elephant?

Via pinterest.com

They can deny it all they want, but to think that nobody's ever flown their Aunt Gertrude's urn out to the Magic Kingdom to give her pulverized bones a hygienically questionable sendoff would be delusional. Because as the forums at WDWMagic.com plainly illustrate, the world is filled with people like this:

My mother recently told me she wanted to be creamated and that her ashes were to be spread near some flamingo pond in WDW(I forget where exactly). I just wondered... is there some sort of outdoor vaccum that they use around the park..lol..or is there anything in a dead persons ashes that would kill a flamingo? Cause I know things make chickens explode and stuff. Anybody have any advice on any of these topics? especially if you have a better place in mind.

Undertakers in the know call this activity wildcat scatterings, and whether it takes place on a public beach, a golf course, or over the side of a Haunted Mansion Doombuggy, it's a health code violation of the highest order. So if measles concerns aren't enough to strap a surgical face mask on your kids during certain portions of the Disney experience, maybe you'll wish you had when you have to explain to Child Protective Services how exactly they managed to come down with a case of bronchitis brought on by the inhalation of desiccated corpse particulate.

Via giphy.com

That troubling incident happened only weeks before the widely publicized attack, and it was hardly isolated. Here's another bloodthirsty crocodilian from 2009, this time actually doing (oddly casual) battle with an employee (with what may or may not be a gator 'rasslin stick kept immediately on hand for exactly this purpose) right at the base of motherfucking Splash Mountain.

These sorts of near-misses aren't even as recent as this millennium. Check out this account from exactly 30 years ago, and see if any of the details ring a bell:

Joseph and Roberta Santamaria sued last week in federal court in Orlando seeking an unspecified amount in damages for them and their son Paul, now 9, who was attacked at a pond at the Fort Wilderness campground in October 1986. The suit says the boy was pulled into the pond by the gator while he was kneeling and feeding ducks. He was rescued by a brother who knocked the reptile on the head and his sister, who pulled Paul out of the gator's mouth. The boy suffered knee and thigh injuries. The suit charges Disney failed to warn visitors about the alligator, which often sought out people to feed it after "losing its fear of humans."

Via conservativeoutfitters.com

That last part is important. But why were the gators in the vicinity becoming so bold, creeping up on humans like carnivorous pigeons to a senior citizen tossing bits of meatloaf from a park bench? Well, it turns out tourists have been feeding these cold-blooded deathbringers for years. And the reason that Disney didn't take the strict safety measures that one might expect was reportedly because they didn't want to upset the wealthy guests staying in their upscale resorts, who loved tossing the reptiles treats from the safety of their elevated bungalows. In fact, the presence of the alligators may have all been part of a grand scheme, as one "insider" told The Wrap: "With the opening of the bungalows, it brought the guests that much closer to wildlife. Or, the wildlife that much closer to the guests."

Via pixabay.com

A lot of (horrible) people placed the blame squarely on the parents when their toddler was dragged to an untimely death. But I was on that same beach a year before, and I can tell you right now that an alligator attack was the last thing you would expect. Yes, we were in Florida, but this is a man-made lake in the Happiest Place On Earth we're talking about. And while there were "No Swimming" signs around, I didn't see a single one mentioning that a creature whose bite power could lift a truck might be nearby. When my wife asked why swimming wasn't allowed, she was told it had to do with "bacteria levels," and I will be happy to sign an affidavit affirming same. Combine that with the fact that every night there are fireworks and "electric water pageants" drawing visitors close to shore, and the tragedy seems inevitable in retrospect. As inevitable as a douchebag in a beach-adjacent bungalow taking selfies while dropping the remainder of a room-service Mickey burger into the jaws of a predator.

E. Reid Ross also pokes various creatures with a stick over at The Featured Creature. Feel free to follow him on Twitter here.

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