So look, J.B. Watters. Can I call you B.J Watters? Cool. So look, B.J. Watters. I've got some advice for your next apology: Don't do it. That's right, just kick back, slap some more Axe on your scalp, and skip it. No matter what you do or how you apologize, people will see it for the turgid river of horse poop that it is. Because you see, Jesse "I Just Blew Myself" Watters, you are one of those rare people who can't make an apology without making it worse. Like United Airlines or human blobfish Alex Jones, you ooze insincerity out of every pore. Every time you make excuses or say you're sorry, it only underscores how actually not-sorry you are, and that you are a greasy hangover shit in human form. Just keep quiet and hope that you'll fall into the sweet merciful obscurity of people not caring all that much about you and your dumb show. Unless, of course, that's what you fear the most.
Katie Goldin is not sorry for her Tweets.
The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we're living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house's lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world-changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.
Join Jack O'Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, and Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler, for a retelling of history's biggest moments you didn't realize everyone was drunk for.
Get your tickets here:
For more, check out The 5 Most Obnoxious Ways People Screw Up Apologies and 6 Types of Apologies That Aren't Apologies at All.
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