What animal is the national symbol of Canada?
What is the address of your local Fun and Socialism Center?
Uh ... I know this. I'm required to go there all the time. By the Canadian Taco Depot?
What was the name of the sexy-lady Transformer?
I definitely know this. This really confused me for a long time, and made puberty way more complicated than it needed to be. She-bot?
How many tonnes of uranium does Canada mine then bury each year to keep its workers busy and happy?
All of them.
What is your PIN code?
I know this. Wait. This feels like a scam? I need Snopes.com really bad. Dammit. OK, fine. 1234
What's your favorite type of sandwich?
Uranium? No. I just read that word. Idiot. Success?
H: Interesting. You only got the animal one right.
C: Who are y ... wait.
H: That's right! OK. The final phase of the test will involve you trying to memorize new facts. I'll just be back in a second with the equipment. -leaves room-
C: No problem. -While he's gone, I re-read the previous test.- Did he just steal my PIN number? -I carefully write DR. HODGES STOLE YOUR PIN NUMBER on my arm -- then spend the next few minutes staring at it and being furious-
H: All right, Chris. The next phase of the test requires you to memorize this list of numbers and figures.
C: And you are ... -reads forearm- Dr. Hodges?
H: Correct again.
C: -angry- You are kind of bushy.
H: What have you got on your arm there?
C: Not angry musings, I'll tell you that much.
H: Let me see that.
H: Come here.
-He twists my arm around, reading the notes scribbled on it-
C: Can you tell if that says bushy or pushy? It's gotten kind of smeared and both of them fit.
H: You can't write notes to yourself. That completely invalidates the test. Also, holy shit do you sweat a lot. How can one man be so sweaty?
C: I'm sure I'd remember if I had the Internet. -I check my arm- Because you're kind of bushy? Is that a thing that turns me on? It must be; look at me. I'm glowing. -wipes forehead with forearm.
H: OK, this is over.
C: -scribbles more notes on arm-
H: What did you write there?
H: Show me! -We wrestle for a moment. Although I know a great deal about fighting from things I've read on webpages, I can remember none of this at the critical time and am quickly overpowered-
H: Why did you just write DO NOT RUN THROUGH DR. HODGES WITH A SPEAR MADE OF A TABLE LEG?
C: It seems like good advice. I thought you'd approve.
H: It's the kind of thing which usually doesn't need to be specified. And why did you write DO NOT in small, faint letters, on the sweatiest part of your arm?
C: Because I hate you.
H: Get out of here.
C: I'm not done remembering yet.
-I wipe my arm on my head, read it, wipe again more vigorously, check again-
Close enough. -I flip the table over, and begin wrestling with the leg.
But before I could free and then embed the table leg in Dr. Hodges abdomen, he returned my smartphone to me, causing both my memory to return and a very small orgasm. After righting the table, apologizing profusely and giving him my phone number, I returned back to the Cracked offices, ready to write this column. Unfortunately I had forgotten everything that happened there, and was forced to fabricate this entire story based on scraps of movies I'd seen, as is my manner.
If there's any lessons to be learned here, I guess it's that the Internet is an umbilical cord, and a leash, and a nourishing teet, and a poor martial arts instructor, and a thousand things beside that. But has it damaged our brains? It's hard to say. I may have memory problems because of the Internet, or because of genetics, or because of that refrigerator I hid in for six days as a child. Ultimately, if we want to know the real answer, there's only one place we can check ...
Be sure to check out more from Bucholz in Online Dating Strategies and Cosmo Quiz: What Kind of Girl Are You?.
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