And that your "feud" with him has been utterly one-sided, as he gets on with the business of leading a rich, successful life while you sneak up on him in various locales and punch him in the back of the head before sprinting away, perhaps accidentally knocking down a mysterious gypsy woman as you do so.
You ... you got me. I'm sorry. I'll stop bothering you.
Oh no. I need you. Guys like Andy never need my advice. You and I are bound together forever, my strange crummy-cocked friend.
It's just that ... oh crap! There's someone at the door!
Is it you?
Of course n- oh wait. It might be.
Indeed. Your nemesis, having woken up in your body, has concluded that you had done the same and were about to start stealing his things.
I hadn't even considered doing that!
Don't worry; we'd have gotten there.
He's shouting and banging on the door. What do I do?
OK. We go full Home Alone here. You take some nails and a paint can, and you hammer those nails into the paint can, and then you whip it at him.
Zedcor Wholly Owned/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Also, see if you can find an old computer monitor and some C4.
Wait. Won't that hurt me?
Oh right. You still want that body back, huh? Are you sure? It sounds like Andy's body is better than yours.
Still. I'd gotten kind of attached to it. Holy crap! He just kicked the door in! There's no way my body could do that.
Your forearms must be in OK shape.
What? Fuck you.
What's he doing now?
He's yelling at me. He wants his body back!
Threaten to punch yourself in the nuts!
It's called mutually assured destruction. He can't attack you without assuring the destruction of his own nuts. Quickly. Grab two of his weights, lift them above your head, spread your legs, and explain all this to him calmly, but steely eyed, like Ronald Reagan would.
This story of how Ronald Reagan defeated communism is not accurate, but it is much better than the accurate one.
He says that's nuts.
What's he doing now?
He says he wants his body back, because mine has corn chip crumbs everywhere, and everyone in my building spat on him when he left the apartment.
People spit on you?
I've got a lot of nemeses, actually.
Tell him no deal. And that if he doesn't give you the PIN number to all his accounts, you'll start whaling away at his tackle.
I really don't want to do that.
What part? The tackle-whaling, or the tackle-whaling-blackmailing?
Both? Oh God! He's coming!
No time to think! Whale yourself in the nuts!
What's he doing?
He's asking what the hell is wrong with me.
It's a trap! He's looking for weaknesses to exploit.
He's also saying that it doesn't matter what body he has. What does that mean?
He means that even in your crummy shell, he'd soon make himself a success. Meanwhile, you, having woken in a perfect body, with all the advantages in the world, are now lying twisted on the floor, having pounded your own nuts into rubble.
He kind of has a point.
He kind of does. Wait. What's that noise?
The cops are here.
I guess they're curious why Andy/you broke your door, and why you/Andy are demolishing your testicles in response.
They are wondering that. But they're also arresting Andy.
See, I told you I'd get you out of this! That might actually be a first for this column.
Poor Andy. I mean Andy/me.
Exactly. That was kind of a stupid thing he did. Maybe being trapped in your body made him just a little bit dumber. Are you feeling any smarter?
A little. I mean, wow. My old body is kind of a disaster. It's funny what a bit of perspective can do.
Yeah. Wait. Oh no. You dumb motherfucker.
STOP LEARNING IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS!
THE GYPSY'S CURSE IS GOING TO END NOW THAT YOU'VE LEARNED AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON, RE: HOW AWFUL YOU ARE. AND YOU'RE GOING TO GO BACK TO YOUR BODY, RE: THE BODY NOW GOING TO JAIL.
WHERE IT IS GOING TO HAVE ITS NUTS POUNDED, AMONG OTHER THINGS. KIND OF AS AN OPENING ACT, ACTUALLY.
WHAT DO I DO?
Congratulations on completing this advice guide; you will soon no longer be trapped in your worst enemy's body. Should you require any further advice, please consult our guide, "So Your Nuts Are Being Pounded (Among Other Things) Because of a Crime Your Body Committed Without You."
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and make him reconsider that.
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